This Leviticus Translation is Perfect for a Gay Wedding

Does a notoriously homophobic Bible passage actually consecrate same-sex marriage?

Just stay away from shrimp and polyester, boys (Flickr)

Leviticus also takes a dim view of polyester, just fyi (Flickr)

Recently, I was looking for a passage of scripture to read at a gay wedding.

Imagine my delight when I discovered new scholarship that indicates a key part of the Bible, long interpreted to condemn homosexuality, had been mistranslated.

Turns out, Leviticus 18:22 doesn’t say, “don’t lie with a man as you would a woman.” It says, “don’t lie to a man as you would a woman.”

In fact, this ground-breaking new translation indicates that Leviticus actually consecrates same-sex unions.

Read the full text and decide for yourself:

1 Then the Lord spake,

“Gurl,

3 “Do not act all like the people in Chelsea, where thou used to live, or like the people of Fire Island, where thou had a quarter-share.

4 “For hast thou looked in the mirror lately?

5 “Thou is lucky to be getting off the market, looking as thou does like a marked-down manager’s special in the meat department.

“And I am talking C-Town, not Whole Foods.

“But if thou obey these decrees and regulations, thou will find a happily gay-married life.

“Do not have sexual relations with any of thy father’s wives, for thou art not on HBO.

“Do not have sexual relations with thy sister or half sister. Not even, ‘because, YOLO!’

10 “Do not get drunk and lie with thy fag hag. Because, trust me.

11 “Do not have sexual relations with thy lesbian friends for the purpose of begetting children. For thou art, shall we say, expendable.

12 “Do not have sexual relations with anyone on thy ‘Celebrity Cheat Pass List.’ Because thou is not actually allowed, no matter what thy husband said.

13 “Do not reveal thyself on Snapchat. For, when one day all those pictures turn up on the internet, is thou really going to be surprised?

14 “Do not choose the cute therapist.

15 “Do not ‘forget’ to erase thine old dating profile, for surely as this trick did not work in Genesis, it will not work now.

16 “Do not kid thyself about the effectiveness of erasing thy browser history.

17 “Do not contract with a woman in Iowa for the purpose of begetting children.

18 “For, surely as thou think thine ex had a meth problem, thou hast not seen anything.

19 “Do not choose ‘Betty White’ as thy safe word, for it is not funny.

20 “Do not defile thyself by shopping in thine own size for ‘anniversary gifts.’

21 “Do not permit any of thy children to be offered as a sacrifice to Molech. JK. Just seeing if thou were still paying attention.

22 “Do not lie to another man as thou would lie to a woman. It is an abomination.

23 “Do not defile thyself by having sexual relations with an animal.

24 “No, ‘finally winning Best in Show after two long years competing against that stuck-up little Bichon Frise’ is not grounds for an exception.

25 If thou obey all these decrees and regulations, surely thou will be blessed with the happiest of gay unions.

26 “PS: A threesome does not count as ‘working on thy marriage.’”