‘Monocles Are In!’ Cries Increasingly Desperate New York Times Style Section

Your new style icon. (Clue)

Your new style icon. (Clue)

“Guys, monocles?” asked a sweaty, hysterical New York Times style section today. “They’re a thing, right?”

The one-eye piece, worn by “the Prussian officer…the effete English lord, and…the New York and London lesbian in the 1920s” as well as “Alan Cumming,” “chefs” and Colonel Mustard from Clue, has seen a sharp rise in sales in the past five years, according to anyone willing to support the Times’s theory on this one.

“All of this is part of a sense of irony and a way of discovering and displaying old artisanal and craft-based technology,” said the increasingly bewildered section of the paper, quoting a British trend forecaster as it forced a smile onto its face and looked at you pleadingly for agreement. “Perhaps the fussiness of this particular mini-trend may make some customers opt for a soft cocktail, the orange blossom water and cream-based Cease and Desist.” The Times then threw up in its mouth a little bit and pretended it was a cough.

As of press time, the Times was nodding its head furiously in agreement with a guy telling it that Steampunk was going to be huge this year.