A Quick Announcement From Your Friend Who ‘Doesn’t Own a TV’

You, not owning a TV. (Opennet.com)

You, not owning a TV. (Opennet.com)

“I don’t own a TV. Sure, I watch stuff on Netflix and Hulu and pirate new episodes of Hannibal off of a bit torent site, but I definitely do not own a physical television, and that is what is important here. I’m just not into vegging out in front of a 60-inch boob tube, you know? I’d much rather squint into my iPad while lying on my bed. I’m just not that materialistic, you know? Not like some of these posers.”

“Another thing I don’t own is an espresso maker. It’s like, ‘Oh, I’m some big-deal yuppie type, going to my job at the office law firm.’ No thanks, William-Sonoma. Better luck on my wedding registry. I make all my coffee with that Nescafe machine at work, and I fucking hate it. As it should be. I’m not saying I’m better than you, but I am definitely better than you.”

“I also don’t have an Internet connection. It’s like, I spend 90 percent of my day plugged in at work, when I get home, I just want to relax and steal my neighbor’s WiFi. Or use my 4G. I’m not going to get screwed over by Time Warner when i could be getting screwed over by Verizon. You sheeple.”

“Oh, you have a cavity? I wouldn’t know…I don’t go to the dentist. No, I have insurance. I just choose to opt-out of that bi-yearly cleaning bullshit. It’s kind of my way of saying ‘fuck you’ to mom and dad for spending all that money on the braces I never asked for. If my molars start to ache, I just slap another Crest Whitening Strip on them to numb the pain. I’m sorry, but if you actually go to the dentist, you’re basically dead to me and I’m blocking you on GChat as we speak.”

“I don’t subscribe to The New York Times. Print journalism is dead, long live my girlfriend’s login to NewYorkTimes.com! If you’re throwing money at a paywall, you’re as dumb of a bitch as she is.”

“I don’t buy groceries. Sorry you hipsters, with all your artisanal nonsense. That’s too twee for me. When I want food, I just reheat the week-old leftover rice from the Chinese restaurant on my block that’s actually on SeamlessWeb. Those loser sell-outs.”

“I don’t pay my Con Edison bill. Are you kidding me? I just get all that nonsense forwarded directly to my parents. Who are fucking idiots.”