1. Why, exactly, has Chloe turned into a Lisbeth Salander cosplayer with a kitchen sink haircut and an arsenal of fingerless gloves?
Because Morris and Prescott were killed. While Morris and Prescott sound like the names of two adorable cartoon bears in the middle of a delicious run of shenanigans, they actually and unfortunately refer to human beings, specifically Chloe’s husband and son. A few years back, Morris and Prescott were taken out by some unknown enemy in a catastrophic car accident Chloe believes was actually meant to kill her, because she knows too much about some vague secret involving Jack Bauer. And so, unable to bring her loved ones back and scared for her life, Chloe gave in to the darkness, stocked up on eyeliner, and made an appointment with a tattoo artist who specializes in mythical reptiles.
2. Speaking of dragons, what has Catelyn Stark been up to since she died on Game of Thrones?
Since her most tragic death at the Red Wedding, Catelyn Stark (known to those of you with terrible imaginations as an actress named Michelle Fairley) has become “24’s” main villain. Margot Al-Harazi is the wife of an al-Qaeda commander and the mother of two white terrorist children. Her daughter Simone is a total badass who outwitted none other than Jack Bauer himself, people with this really dope slashing-her-thigh-and-screaming move that allowed her to escape the trap Jack was setting for her. With her porcelain skin and knife skills, Simone is Aria and Sansa rolled into one.
The interesting thing about Fairley’s “24” character is that Margot actually behaves a whole like Catelyn, reprising the role of the stern though oddly serene matriarch. This is especially true when Margot delivers a speech about the need to sacrifice small battles along the way in order to win the war. The war of murdering the American President rather than the war to sit on the Iron Throne, in this instance.
However, Margot also does this horrible thing where she watches her daughter have sex though a surveillance camera — which honestly feels like a pretty Lannister move.
3. Are computer hackers cute?
Why, yes! It would appear that a lot of them are! Including some of the men who hang out in Chloe’s hacker den and especially Simone’s brother, the terrorist organization’s in-house computer guy and resident total dreamboat.
According to “24,” hackers are handsome, with pretty eyes, breath that is minty fresh, and absolutely no hint of ferret hair on their well-fitting cardigans. They don’t live on Cheetos and Red Vines, are not virgins, and they have probably never even been to 4chan because they’ve deemed it a waste of time that could be better spent combing their lustrous locks, bathing, and yes, even flossing.
And what of the show’s lady hackers? They’re totally gorgeous in that exotic, ethnically ambiguous way that reads on television as “smart.”
How quickly does Alzheimer’s progress?
The Alzheimer’s afflicting President Heller seems to be moving pretty quickly, though there are times when he he isn’t simply lucid but is downright sharp. For example, he quotes Winston Churchill to the British Prime Minister (I assume he does this correctly — I’m no, like, genius but neither are the folks in FOX’s target demographic), which evidences some pretty impressive recall. Or maybe the quote was printed on a fortune found at the center of a crumpet? Someone ask Gwyneth if that’s something they do in London.
What’s inside Jack’s messenger bag?
It’s got to be something pretty important for him to want to carry the thing around all day! But not so important he couldn’t put it down in the middle of a crowded street while escaping the chaos at the American Embassy!
My guess is it’s either a ham sandwich or an atomic bomb.