The Sonja Morgan humiliation tour (coming soon to an alleged audience of 10,000 in Greece!) opens this episode, as Kristen puts out an anemic spread of grapes, potato chips and water for her husband and Ms. Morgan, who has come over to get some business advice from the man who has managed to net his family a rental in TriBeCa (WHAT? KRISTEN BROUGHT IT UP).
“I definitely have a set of listening ears,” Josh tells Sonja initially, which is a greeeat start, but as soon as Sonja starts listing her various business ventures, which apparently include a “Saudi family” and a “Nigerian football team” allegedly planning on “investing in [my] perfume” he cuts her off. Josh’s advice is to drop 30 Gs on a brand consulting team. It seems to me that Sonja could use more help with product development than branding (I’ll save her team the time: everything has to have “SONJA” on it) but I do not rent anything in TriBeCa, so what do I know?
“Stop. Stop feeling,” Josh says.
“I have so many girls asking for the book; tags already for the jewelry,” Sonja babbles.
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“You’re fucking bananas!” Josh exclaims, which may be true, but is definitely not his place to say. He doesn’t even go here!
In other news, Carole has a whole other house in Beverly Hills, WITH A KITCHEN, that she’s hanging out in while her contractors rip out her oven in New York. The house also comes with an enormous dog, Margaret. I’m very curious about this house and this Margaret situation. Does she run the place when Carole is gone? How does this work? (“LA is just way better for my chi than New York” – Margaret)
Carole has her “LA girlfriends” over to complain about her dating life and they listen to a voicemail in which a man dumps her before their first date because he’s met someone else. That is pretty rough. I don’t see it getting much better when she has to explain to future suitors that they can never eat a non-takeout meal in her home, though.
Back in New York, Ramona, with “her gay husband” in tow, because of course Ramona would be the type of woman to run around telling people she has a “gay husband,” meets Heather and Jonathan, Luann and Jacques and Kristen and Josh for a dinner party hosted by Heather because she’s “taking the wives away” for a weekend to her house in the Berkshires.
“THANK YOU, THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU,” Mario “jokes.”
“No one vacations in the Berkshires! No one I know!” Ramona says. Very gracious, Singer family, great job all around. Josh, wearing a pajama shirt underneath his blazer, decides this is an opportune moment to shade Sonja’s business plans. Ramona goes ballistic.
“Who does he think he is?” she asks rhetorically, pointing out that he doesn’t know Sonja from Adam. This may be true, but you don’t have to know Sonja Morgan to know that her toaster oven is not available for purchase anywhere on earth/the solar system, because it doesn’t exist. That’s not an insult, it’s just a statement of fact. Wait, why am I defending Josh? Let’s move on.
Carole has invited a literal vampire (in the guise of a “matchmaker”) into her home to talk to her and Kristen about what men want. Finally, someone is committed to getting to the bottom of this!
“There are men who are looking for accomplished women who are attractive and can hold a conversation,” the matchmaker says. (“Phew!” – Womankind)
“Anyone with legs like yours should never wear pants,” he tells Carole.
“That’s sweet,” says Kristen.
Meanwhile, at antigravity yoga (which looks amaaaaazing, my lower back literally sighed while watching this sequence, but of course the ladies can’t get past the silliness of the “Oms” or even put their hair into GD ponytails long enough to reap any of the benefits, RAMONA) Sonja makes sure that “American Indian” is an okay thing to say (“Yes.” — Luann) before turning the conversation to the free and voluntary upcoming trip to the Berkshires. Apparently, by inviting her to be her guest for the weekend, Heather is forcing Ramona to confront bad memories about her childhood, even though as far as we can tell Ramona did not grow up in Heather’s house in the Berkshires and, moreover, seems kind of fuzzy on where the Berkshires are actually located.
As the ladies flee the city for the weekend we are treated to their mind numbing road trip conversation, like, turn on the radio, gals. They arrive at Heather’s completely lovely house, where she is busy putting out beautiful snacks and pricey booze and generally making things perfect for their arrival.
“Is this the house or the garage?” Ramona asks immediately upon arriving, and the fact that Heather doesn’t tell her to get back into the car and drive her ass home is a testament to her true patience and loveliness as a person. She even carries in Ramona’s luggage, for the love of God. Ramona repays this unbelievable kindness by ordering an air conditioner and having it delivered to the house shortly after they arrive, whereupon she and Sonja try to scream the air conditioner into unpacking and installing itself while Heather, Luanna, Kristen and Carole relax on the lawn.
Later on, Heather takes the ladies to the lake, where their minds boggle at the thought of actually have to drag their canoes into the water. I mean, how middle class. Heather has packed wine for them and it’s the magic hour and those factors together seem to be chemically calming these biddies down for a second. They have fishing tackle and cast lines and Carole actually manages to catch a fish, waving it at a squealing Ramona in true teenage dirtbag fashion.
“We were at Heather’s dinner party with our significant others, so if you weren’t there it’s because you didn’t have a significant other,” Ramona spits at Sonja like a cobra, before immediately telling her that Josh was “bashing” her. Heather and Kristen, who have gotten into the water, swim up to their canoe to eavesdrop. In a show of great restraint, they splash Ramona to break up the gossip sesh rather than capsize the whole boat. She freaks out because this is the second time that she has gotten her hair done before being directly adjacent to a body of water.
“This is two for two! You’re a fucking bitch,” she says to Kristen, before throwing the contents of her wine glass, followed by her actual glass, in Kristen’s direction. The glass hits her in the face and splits her lip.
“I’m a nurse, don’t forget!” yells Luann. Carole literally dives off of her canoe.
Ramona and Sonja paddle to shore, Ramona blaming the entire incident on her childhood.
“I didn’t have water in my hand so I threw what I had,” she shrugs as she gets into the car and peels away. Ice cold! I hope Kristen throws the air conditioner at her next week. See you then!