Game of Thrones wasn’t on last Sunday, and when Game of Thrones isn’t on I get in to some weird shit. Like this. This is a good example.
It’s a guide to figuring out just where in the heck you are in the wide world of Game of Thrones, should you ever find yourself lost and confused.
- Is incest cool? Is murder a pretty normal thing? Do you live in a mud shack amid disgusting squalor while nobles sit in their castles and kings die pretty much every Sunday? Well it looks to me like you’re in Kings Landing, capital of Westeros. Don’t go trying to unravel any assassination plots now, or you will simply lose your head over what happens next, LOL. But seriously, don’t do that.
- Are you standing in the smoking ruins of the place you called home as a child? Is every member of your family dead, presumed dead, or in a situation where they wish they were dead? Are you cold as shit? Look at that, you are standing in Winterfell, capital of the North, and you are probably a Stark. And honestly. that sucks for you.
- Forget about Winterfell cold, are you, like, really cold? Like, frozen beard and instant frostbite cold? Like, sound-the-horn-three-times-White Walkers-are-coming cold? One last, simple question. Are you currently standing on a 700-foot wall made of ice? Good chance you’re on The Wall. You are at the edge of the world, now. How do you feel about the color black and virginity?
- Is the father of that child you’re currently birthing also it’s grandfather? In addition, is he your father, too? Congrats, your family is seriously messed up and your life is pretty terrible! Also, chances are you’re in Craster’s Keep beyond the Wall. Better hope that baby is a girl or you’ll have to sacrifice it to terrifying ice monsters! You wildlings and your crazy customs.
- Are you currently having sex? Is everyone around you having sex? Are you in the middle of such a whirlwind of sand and sex that you can’t tell whose male, whose female, and bastard children are as common as the cold? Good for you, you are in Dorne. Enjoy yourself, and if you get the chance tell Oberyn Martell to answer my fucking fan mail.
- Look to your right. Is there a creepy child who breastfeeds far past the normal age for breastfeeding? Look to your left. Is there an equally creepy grown man named Littlefinger who can’t decide what accent to speak with? Look down. Are you about to fall thousands of feet through a hole in the floor to a gruesome death? You, my friend, are in the Eyrie, high above the Vale of Arryn. The company isn’t the best but it’s great for building sweet snow forts.
- Were you recently liberated from your slave chains by a silver-haired savior with three pet dragons? Congratulations, you are a former slave in Mereen, largest city in Slaver’s Bay. On the flip side, are you currently nailed to a wooden post? Oops, looks like you are a former master in Mereen, largest city in Slaver’s Bay.
- Did the last event you attended end in tables being flipped, pregnant women being stabbed, murder by arrows, murder by swords, and murder by general murder? Congrats, you were at my sweet sixteen. Kidding (kind of). You’re actually in the Twins of the Riverlands, stronghold of the Frey family and home of the Red Wedding. Make sure to pick up a post card, signed “The Lannisters send their regards.”
- Do you see any fountains of fire coming from the ground? What about the sky? Any fire coming from the sky? Are earthquakes cracking the ground beneath your feet, causing the very core of the Earth to bubble over, boiling the oceans and creating a vortex of steam, heat, fire and blood? Friend, you are in Valyria. For the love of God, get the hell out of Valyria.