(Ass) ‘Holes': A Personal Message To Shia LaBeouf

'Nymphomaniac Volume I (long version)' Premiere - 64th Berlinale International Film FestivalDear Mr. LaBeouf,

Over the years of watching you in the public eye, I’ve amassed many things I’ve wanted to say to you, but I never got the chance. Your movies aren’t really interesting enough for me to write about, your “art” is even worse, and I truly was afraid of ever interviewing you. Mostly because I don’t think I could be in your presence for 10 seconds without striking you in some manner.

But you did it. Your arrest last night at the Cabaret performance was the douche that broke the camel’s back. Being disruptive, smoking during the show, generally acting weird and being led away, crying, in handcuffs? All in one night? Alan Cumming is awesome. Who interrupts Alan Cumming? I now finally have an excuse to say these things, in no particular order, because it is finally time, Shia.

  • A lot of people are speculating that your arrest at Cabaret was performance art or method preparation for a role. If it was method acting, I can respect that. I only ask that for your next project, you method act the role of a person who moves to another country and is never heard from again.
  • In fact, the day I’m married, the birth of my first child, and the day they announce Cronut delivery will all pale in comparison to the day you Tweeted you were quitting public life.
  • Nothing was as soul-crushingly disappointing as when you Tweeted twice more literally the same day. Actually, I take that back, because I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in theaters.
  • Seriously though, after surviving boulders, poison arrows, bullets, swords, cults, Nazis, and the Ark of the Covenant, the thing that finally killed Indiana Jones was adding “featuring Shia LaBeouf” to the credits.
  • If I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Shia LaBeouf, Adam Levine, and James Franco, I would shoot myself twice rather than live in a world where the movie Nymphomaniac exists.
  • Perhaps you should stick to directing. It probably took some sort of visionary genius to, during your feud with Alec Baldwin, make the guy who called a photographer a “cocksucking fag” look like the rational party.
  • In a film about two warring tribes of robots from outer space coming to Earth to do battle over a powerful relic called the AllSpark, the least believable thing about Transformers is that Megan Fox  finds you attractive.
  • I’ve never actually seen Holes, so I assume it is a film about where your career is currently headed.

If at any point you would like to respond to this message, I ask only that it does not come in the form of a headbutt, and that you actually write it yourself (as painful as that sounds).

In summation, I find it incredibly ironic that the last time you were likable was at the age of 14, on Even Stevens. Because I can’t even with you right now, Shia.