Binge-Watching: A How-To Guide

Must...finish...Orange is the New Black...

Must…finish…Orange is the New Black

1. Get rations! Who knows how long you’re going to be stuck on your couch, eyes gummed over and legs atrophied. Depending on what you’re watching, this could either be a long weekend (Top of the Lake), week (Orange is the New Black), summer (Lost), or five years (if The Wire wasn’t really “your thing” but you keep giving it another shot because apparently it’s the only DVD box set owned by every guy you’re going to be hooking up with between the ages of 21 and 25. (Well, besides that weird guy who also had Veronica Mars and Supernatural, but he was an improv actor and you never saw him after that first time.))

I suggest you stock up on: Doritos, guacamole, beef jerky, Diet coke, California rolls, Adderall, orange juice, and a catheter.

2. Put an away message on your email. Clean up your bookmark history and clear your cache. Get another Internet provider, just for backup in case one of them goes down whilst Roku’ing. Accept that everyone is going to unfollow you on Twitter, your last remaining lifeline to the outside world. Sorry: no one is going to want to read live-tweets about those ducks from Sopranos‘ first season.

3. Go outside and feel the heat on your skin. Savor the smell of summer. Like one of those vampires in True Blood, walking in the sun should make you want to ejaculate. Keep that memory, savor it, and use it for those dark moments of the soul where you’d rather gnaw through your own wrists than watch another episode about Soooookeh.

4. Join a Reddit sub-forum about your show of choice. Become immediately terrified.

5. Start a Bingo board for all The Simpsons references that went over your head; see how many you can cross off with one show.

Simpson – woke up this morning – soprano from luke skywalker on Vimeo.

6. Abstain from any heavy drinking. It may lead to spoiling all over the Internet. (Especially true if you are on the show.)

7. Delete your Tinder account.

8. Read the books, so you can be THAT asshole.

9. Quit your day job.

10. Quit your night job.