Douchebag (noun) : an obnoxious, self-inflated asshole, typically fills you with an unquenchable desire to punch him in squarely in the face. See also: Jerk Off, Dick Head, Adam Levine.
The Maroon 5 lead singer recently told GQ that he doesn’t know if he’s a douchebag, and I’m here to tell him he’s not. Because to call Adam Levine simply a douche bag is an understatement. He is the Douchemaster. The Doucheking. Lord Douche, ruler of the Planet Douche of the Douche Galaxy.
“So I’m gonna get really intricately self-reflective right now and ask myself the hard questions, to find out, once and for all, definitively, whether or not I’m a douchebag,” Mr. Levine told Jessica Pressler. I can easily lend a helping hand. Throughout the years, Mr. Levine has littered social media, the radio, interviews, and television with a heaping mountain of evidence pointing to the fact that he is, in fact, the biggest douchebag in the universe. Here are the most glaring.
- “I felt like people only knew me as a singer who dated pretty girls. A little bit of a bimbo. Maybe I was kind of a bimbo. I was the music dude that was naked all the time with the girls, and that’s fine, no problem with that.” – Details, 2012
- “You know what yoga’s good for?” Adam Levine asks, pausing in mid-thought as he discusses his healthful lifestyle. He draws to his feet, balances in the private jet’s narrow aisle, points at his crotch, and thrusts his pelvis like a porn star. “I’ll tell you what yoga is good for: Fuuuuck-ing.” – Ibid
- “There are men who are fucking misogynist pigs, and then there are men who just really love women, who think they’re the most amazing people in the world. And that’s me. Maybe the reason I was promiscuous, and wanted to sleep with a lot of them, is that I love them so much.” – plot twist … Ibid.
- This, all of this. Click that link at your own risk, I take no responsibility for any ear bleeding or vomiting that may occur if you do.
- Mr. Levine shitting on Blake Shelton’s car.
- Douchebeard the douchepirate.
- “If I knew everyone in the world, they would love me. Every single last fucking one of them.” – 2014, in the SAME GQ interview where he states he isn’t sure he’s a douchebag.
- “That’s what we want. I want our shows to have masses of sexuality and crying.” – MTV, 2002
- “I spend most of my life naked. In fact, I often have to be told by the people around me that it’s inappropriate to be as naked as I am.” – 2011. Also, this picture.
- And finally, the vast, soulless wasteland of mediocrity, cliche and selfies that is this man’s Twitter account.
Bonus! Douche recognizes douche.