Get Out of the Water! Smithsonian Channel’s ‘Super Predator’ Doc is Terrifying

What ate a Great White Shark?

In 2003, filmmaker Dave Riggs documented the first wild-scale Australian shark-tagging. During the process, a particular mystery began over a great white known as “Shark Alpha.” Four months after the 9-foot shark was tagged for monitoring, something dragged that thing to the bottom of the fucking ocean and ate it. 

Watch the video below as Mr. Riggs calmly describes what we should all actually be very worried about. Should I be barring my windows? When do we decide on human sacrifices? Is there going to be a lottery or…?

Anyway, this is all a lead-in to Mr. Riggs new documentaryHunt for the Super Predator, which covers his attempts to unravel the mystery around “Shark Alpha” and the future ruler of Earth that allegedly ate it. The documentary is premiering on the Smithsonian Channel June 25, and let me be the first to say, nope. Nooope. Nopetown, Population: me.

As much as I’m interested in finding out what happens, I also quite like the ocean. There’s a 97% chance that the documentary concludes with absolutely no findings whatsoever, but I don’t need that 3% chance that proves the fucking Kaijus from Pacific Rim are on their way to our shorelines as we speak. Because no way that guy from Sons of Anarchy is saving the world in real life. Maybe Idris Elba, but it takes two people to power a Jaeger! Who is going to drift with Idris Elba?! Boy, Pacific Rim was a flawed movie. (Ed. Note: We’ve never seen it, but what about the team-up of Charlie Day with the rapist from Craster’s Keep? Didn’t THEY save the world?)

Oh, right, Smithsonian documentary. June 25. Should be crazy.