Keeping Up With ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians,’ Episode 9×2

Bruce JennerWhat happened to the #WorldsMostTalkedAboutFamily this week? We endeavor to faithfully sum up what happened on this week’s episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. 

Khloe tortured Kourtney’s youngest child with the promise of food if she would just. Say. Her. Name.

Sarah: Wait, is that Penelope? She looks exactly like Mason.

Molly: She really does, wow. This is kind of twisted — this little game Khloe is playing with the yogurt and sprinkles.

Sarah: Hahahahaha she loves doing that. Do you remember a few seasons ago when Lamar and Mason did the ‘cheers’ where you link arms, but with a piece of candy?
They’re always trying to feed those kids weird stuff.

Bruce Jenner got a haircut that was fraught with meaning.

Sarah: Bruce looks just like Kylie now.

Molly: OMG, Bruce. “LONG LAYERS.” Same, Bruce. Same.

Sarah: “It doesn’t know what it wants to look like.” Been there.

Molly: He really does look like Kylie. “It’s Kris Jenner, not society — that’s why you’re cutting your hair.”

Sarah: Oh god. This is dark. He’s still, like, her slave even though they’re not married.

Molly: Yeah, what is happening with that? Are they even really separated?

Sarah: I think the deal is that they aren’t going to get a formal divorce because there’s no prenup. And now that Kris is the rich one…

Molly: They look like twins — Bruce and Kris.

Sarah: She is so sinister. “Just because we’re separated doesn’t mean I don’t want him to look and feel his best.” This is how Rob happens.

Molly: That was the weirdest scene.

Kourtney and Scott thought they had found an original Modigliani.

Molly: What is going on. “Modigliani. He’s major.” Did Kourtney really just say that. This is a fun plotline, though, I can feel it. It’s very “Le Divorce.”

Sarah: Yes. Zany.

Molly: The Kardashians must have had a Kate Hudson movie marathon recently.

Sarah: Scott knows about art! Did he read The Goldfinch?

Molly: Also Scott just said “Sothurby’s”

Sarah: I retract what I just said. I have, like, a worrisome crush on Scott.

Molly: I know, he’s great. He definitely was smart to establish himself as “the asshole” early on because he’s kind of morphed into the Greek chorus of the show. Like, he stands in for the American public in constantly questioning everyone’s actions.

Sarah: Very true.

Bruce Jenner broke into his former home to eat half of an abandoned sandwich. Kris became “concerned” and brought groceries to his place in Malibu.

Molly: Bruce is sad he’s not seeing Kylie? What about Kendall? Why not both?

Sarah: Kris brought Bruce groceries that she 100% did not buy herself. I guess Kendall has work so that’s understandable. Kylie is just being a B. What does she have to do on a typical day besides update her Tumblr?

Molly: Yeah, I feel bad for Kylie right now. She’s def the also-ran of the family, if not IRL then at least in plotlines.

Bruce went to a yoga class on the top of a mountain in the hopes of catching a glimpse of his youngest daughter.

Sarah: BRUCE AT YOGA. TALKING ABOUT HIS SURGERIES.

Molly: Yeah, this is weird. Also, Kris is throwing Bruce under the bus. “He didn’t have a close relationship with his boys. I wanna make sure he doesn’t do that again.”

Sarah: Yeah, this is so dark. Bruce has, like, ten biological children.BURT JENNER. NEVER FORGET.

Kourtney and Scott argued over the provenance of their painting. Then Kourtney banged the painting into a wall.

Molly: Ohhhhh bonk! KLASSIK KOURTNEY.

Sarah: LOLOLOL

Kris forced Kylie, Kylie’s friend, and Bruce to go to a climbing gym together. Then she accused Kylie of stealing her clothes. Kylie stormed off.

Sarah: Kylie is a beast.

Molly: She really is. She’s always been snippy. I feel bad because there will probably come a day when she starts to act like a normal human. She just never should have been on this show this young. If there was a show about the way I treated my mom when I was 16 I would probably be too ashamed to leave the house.

Sarah: Agreed. Also, these people are richer than God, why can’t they just all buy the same stuff?

Molly: I KNOW, they have so many fights about clothes!

Sarah: AAAHHH Kris’s cheek implants in this light.

Molly: Seriously, half the fun of this show is seeing how different their faces are every week.

Sarah: Kim is, like, the world’s most beautiful alien now.

Molly: Yeah, she’s definitely a new species. I mean, her skin looks great?????

Sarah: Yes! She’s so pretty but also, like, CGI.

Molly: She looks like she’s been Photoshopped.

Sarah: YES.

Kourtney and Scott argued over whether to get the painting appraised and solve the mystery, or live in blissful ignorance.

Sarah: Kourtney’s home decor is starting to get weird.

Molly: Yeah — like the tin foil throw pillow…

Sarah: And the snakeskin executive chair, and the chevron wallpaper…

Molly: Yeah, what do you think her theme is. “Buried treasure in the pirate ship”?

Kris made the family attend a cooking class.

Sarah: Oh my GOD, Kim’s butt. What do you think it’s like to sit on a butt that huge? Is it like having a throw pillow under you at all times?

Molly: “Kim, you look like such a lady.” “Really? I was trying to look like a whore.”

Sarah: Kim has a mouth on her this season.

Molly: She does! She’s gotten ~snippy~. After you get butt implants do you have to not sit for a few days?

Sah: If I had butt implants, my day-to-day life would be consumed with worrying about them exploding.

Molly: This episode is a study in fake LA careers. Chef/nutritionist, at-home hair dresser, mountaintop yoga facilitator…

Sarah: OH MY GOD. BRUCE’S HAIR GOT IN THE FISH. EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE WORN HAIRNETS. STOP HAIR-SHAMING BRUCE.

Molly: This is painful to watch.

Sarah: This is awful, why is he still agreeing to be on the show?

Molly: He’s so calm, saying Kris is controlling and he doesn’t need it. Ugh, poor Bruce.

Kourtney and Scott had an appraiser come to look at the painting.

Molly: OMGGGG pregnant now sry g2g. Scott is the cutest dad.

Sarah: I knowwww.

Molly: Art appraiser! Great LA career.

Sarah: I like this guy’s ensemble. This is so suspenseful.

Molly: Yeah, wow.

Sarah: I’m chugging wine.

Molly: Hahaahahaha

The appraiser thought the painting could be real.

Molly: This appraiser moonlights as the headless horseman.

Sarah: Kourtney must feel really good about smacking the painting into the wall.

Molly: Okay also, I need to know, how much money do these people ACTUALLY have? Like, one of them just said “Let’s buy her a private jet.”

Sarah: I think the core four (Kim, Kourtney, Khloe and Kris) are ROLLING in it.

Molly: I think part of the genius of this show/family is that they started out kind of average by suburban LA standards, and then just somehow made themselves appear to have this glamorous life, and faked it until they made it.

Sarah: I know! I respect the hustle.

Molly: I love when people can do stuff like that.

Kylie brought Bruce some food on the beach.

Molly: Kylie looks so cool!

Sarah: I know, good outfit.

Molly: I feel like I’m living the plotline of Kim being obsessed with Kylie’s Tumblr, because I literally almost brought a pic of Kylie’s hair from her Instagram to the hairdresser. Also, that was a really nice moment when she brought Bruce a bagged lunch. Good Father’s Day touch.

Scott and Kourtney brought in an art conservator for a second opinion.

Molly: ART CONSERVATOR! Sure, why not?

Sarah: This art conservator seems so annoyed by them.

Molly: “Obviously watercolor on paper.” Obviously.

Sarah: OBVIOUSLY. …It was done on cardboard? Doesn’t that kind of settle it?

Molly: Yeah, I think so. I mean, I’m no art conservator. OMG, WHAT is this show? “Botched”? Holy shit.

Sarah: Starring 2 of the real househusbands of whatever! JK, they’re from Beverly Hills and Orange County. As if I don’t know.

The lab results for the painting came back.

Molly: Here we are, moment of truth.

Sarah: “Are you hoping it’s real so you can leave me?” Yikes.

The painting wasn’t real.

Sarah: Noooooo.

Molly: OMG SCOTT, showing hints of his Vegas self! “Suck me dry.” Charming.

Sarah: I know, he keeps such a tight lid on it. Except when private jets are at stake. “It’s such an amazing piece of art” – Kris. All the Kardashians read The Goldfinch, I have decided. OMG, next week: SCOTT’S MOBILE OFFICE!

Molly: Know what? Kim is the voice of reason sometimes!