Keeping Up With ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians,’ Episode 9×3

rs_500x280-140622141406-KUWTK_910_13What happened to the #WorldsMostTalkedAboutFamily this week? Join us on our divine mission to faithfully sum up what happened each week on ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians.’

Kendall Jenner’s enormous neglected dog couldn’t control her bowels.

Sarah: OMG. Dog shit on Kris Jenner’s floors????? Where are the maids?!
Molly: Yeah, really.
Sarah: That is a HUGE dog. Kendall should not have that dog.
Molly: I’ve never seen this dog before. How did Kim allow it? Can I say that one of the many reasons I identify with Kim Kardashian is that she and I both don’t like dogs that much?
Sarah: I also like that Kim is in full makeup and a bathrobe at 8 in the morning or whenever. When Kim can’t sleep I bet she goes to her vanity and puts on makeup for hours.
Molly: Definitely. Kim is going to make a great eccentric old lady.

Scott had a meltdown about Kourtney interrupting him in his home office when he’s “working.”

Sarah: “I don’t know exactly what I do here” – Scott Disick.
Molly: Do you think the Kardashians write their own subplots? It seems like it, just because of how stupid Scott and Kourtney’s subplots always are.

Kris yelled at Kendall about her enormous, neglected dog. Kendall called her mother a liar.

Sarah: Wait, the dog is named Blu. As in Cantrell?
Molly: Or as in ‘Ivy.’ As in, this is all a massive subtweet aimed at Bey & Jay.
Sarah: Kendall and Kylie are such sassy Bs. Kris must be regretting raising them on TV.
Molly: Yeah, I’m getting really tired of the whole “Kendall and Lylie are bratty teenagers” plotline. Nobody wants to live through this period again, not even vicariously through rich people.

Kris and her daughters attended a spin class.

Sarah: WHY DO THE KARDASHIANS NOT PUT THEIR HAIR UP WHEN THEY WORK OUT.
Molly: Yeah this is an outrage. Okay, now Khloe’s is up. Kris is a MONSTERRRR without Bruce. She’s, like, talking about going to clubs? This just shows how much her relatively happy marriage did to humanize her. Without it she is Medusa.
Sarah: It was the only thing keeping her from thinking she was the 4th Kardashian sister.
Molly: It really was.

Kendall’s enormous, neglected dog pooped in the house some more.

Molly: Okay, this dog diarrhea is horrible.
Sarah: Why have they not trained these dogs?
Molly: Seriously. Kim looks great — her lips are looking normal this week.
Sarah: Everything must be settling.
Molly: Congrats, Kim. Why would they get a giant horse dog for an 18-year-old who is never home?
Sarah: This is legitimately making me angry.

Kris and Kim screamed at each other about cleaning up dog poo.

Sarah: “You are not a good person” – A mother, to her daughter. Also, I like when they pretend they don’t have staff.
Molly: It’s charming.
Sarah: Kim’s solution is to send the dog to a “dog spa” for the weekend. I wonder if she ever wants to send North to the “baby spa.”

Scott and Kourtney looked at new houses because…because…????

Molly: Yeah, what is the Kourtney/Scott subplot right now? I need Sparknotes. He wants a van office where you can eat lunch too? They are getting a new house with bunk beds? What is going on?
Sarah: I hate to suggest this because I love them so much, but I wonder if all this activity is to keep them from realizing that they have nothing in common?
Molly: Hmm. I mean, I feel like they are one of those basic conservative-skewing couples where the whole POINT is that they have nothing in common. Do you know what I mean? “They are running out of ideas in this episode, don’t you think?” – My boyfriend just said to me. He is allegedly making dinner/actually watching “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” with me.

Khloe and Scott used Scott’s “mobile office” to hit up food trucks.

Sarah: I like Khloe and Scott’s dirtbag van tour.
Molly: Scott is no better than the rest of them, but he just adopts this pose of being above it. But what would his job even be if he wasn’t on this show?
Sarah: Literally nothing. He has no skills. I love him.
Molly: Khloe is becoming the main character of the show. She’s the Seinfeld.

Kim participated in some random photoshoot and then lectured her sisters about dog poop.

Molly: What is with Kim and wearing upholstery? That was a straight up table runner around her neck.
Sarah: “It’s couture!” screams Kanye.
Molly: All the sisters hate Kim so much. Khloe is the ringleader. She’s so jeal of Kim. Wait, where’s Rob? Looking over sketches for his new sock line? If Khloe is Jerry Seinfeld, Rob is Newman.
Sarah: :(

Kim met the Gastineau sisters for lunch, who pointed out that she smells like a dog.

Molly: OMG, the GASTINEAU GIRLS!
Sarah: I can’t believe that Kanye West was in the same room as the Gastineau girls for the wedding.
Molly: Kim’s face when she told Lisa Gastineau “Yeah, I’m sure” when she asked if there would be men there…
Sarah: The Gastineau girls are thirsty. Okay. They lock the dog in the laundry room at night?
Molly: Yeah, my boyfriend is freaking out now. He’s Team Dog
Sarah: No wonder it’s shitting everywhere, it’s probably really sad to get banished/not getting enough exercise.
Molly: Yeah, that doesn’t seem right at all.

Kim told her sisters to stop being so mean to their mother.

Molly: Kim is right to say they shouldn’t be mean to their mom.
Sarah: You’re right, but it annoys me. She’s so condescending about it.
Molly: Yeah, I think when you’re that pretty everything you say has a condescending feel to it, though. Like, even when she gives people compliments.
Sarah: THAT’S A GOOD POINT.
Molly: It’s like “Oh, you think youre better than me because you like my purse?!”
Sarah: She looks really good in this episode.
Molly: She’s making me want to get Botox. Why dont they advertise Botox during this show? Such a missed opportunity. They should be advertising, like, Adderall and bandage dresses.
Sarah: Extensions, contouring makeup, black sportswear.
Molly: Ombré hair dye.

Kendall and Khloe finally took Kendall’s enormous, neglected dog for a walk. She complained about her mother getting the dog properly registered without asking her first. There was a montage of Kardashian children being horrible to their mother in the past.

Sarah: Thank god someone is exercising this dog.
Molly: Yeah seriously.
Sarah: Kendall needs to chill.
Molly: OMG, she just complained that her mom helped her. And Khloe is realizing she’s terrible to her loved ones.
Sarah: Wait, Kendall should be the one realizing that she is a garbage person. That is not Khloe’s fault.
Molly: This is the saddest montage I have ever seen. They’re berating the person who brought them into the world.
Sarah: Molly, let me tell you I am 100% serious when I say that I think Kendall would be a better person if she got into a disfiguring accident of some kind.
Molly: This modeling is going to her head, huh. Hahaha I was gonna say maybe she should have to work part time at Dairy Queen this summer.
Sarah: I want Kris to change the locks on Kendall or something.
Molly: Or take away her credit card. So crazy how she wouldn’t give her husband more than, like, $5 a day but the kids all apparently have free rein financially.
Sarah: But her kids are also her clients.

Kourtney sent back Scott’s “mobile office.”

Molly: Ohhh, Kourtney is pulling a total Kris move with this sending-back-the-bus maneuver.
Sarah: Yeah, Scott is Kourtney’s third kid. Also, look at her peasant top and leather pants!
Molly: I like when Kourtney dresses like a kooky free spirited aunt who sells hemp bracelets out of a kiosk at jazz festivals.

Kendall agreed to stop being so mean to Kris, and Khloe and Malika took her for a night on the town.

Sarahi: I love Malika, the aspiring Kardashian. Remember when she and Rob were star-crossed lovers?
Molly: Didn’t they used to put “Actress” under her name?
Sarah: I thought she was Khloe’s “Assistant.”
Molly: She’s too nice to be a Kardashian. She’s too pure to be pink, as Rizzo from “Grease” would say.
Sarah: Black Solo cups? They would.
Molly: That really is the perfect glassware embodiment of the Kardashians — cheap and trashy but also somehow elegant and aspirational.
Sarah: This club looks horrendous.
Molly: LOL, Kris and Khloe have the same duckface dancing faces.
Sarah: “I heard you were coming out” – Scott, father of two
Molly: Did he say what I thought he said? “HI KIDS”? That was adorable, I’m sorry. Also, Kris definitely writes complaints on chain restaurants’ Facebook walls.
Sarah: That’s a perfect note to end on.