The Bachelorette is so good, it’s frustrating that we have to cap it off at a measly two hours per week. That’s why each Tuesday, we’ll be having a Bachelorette morning-after rose ceremony to celebrate the people, places and moments that really made the previous night’s episode shine.
A rose to all the guys who thought they were traveling to Paris or Thailand or Bora Bora, but instead found out they were going to Connecticut. Statistically, fun things are very unlikely to occur in Connecticut. It’s a fact. “It’s one place I’ve always wanted to travel to,” Farmer Chris says in his earnest, soybean-harvesting way. Okay, Farmer Chris, we are SO SURE.
A rose to Dylan, who uses his one-on-one date on the steam train to open up about his tragic past. When he’s done, Andi manages to make Dylan’s big confession all about her. “It’s a big honor that someone is willing to open up to me of all people,” she tells the camera. Then she reviews Dylan’s story as if it were a theatrical performance, telling him, “I can’t stress enough how far beyond and opposite this is than a pity rose. I have never in my life been so moved.” Congratulations, Dylan, you pleased Queen Andi with your tales of familial death.
No roses at all for the duck face Andi makes when she’s concentrating on listening to somebody’s sad story.
A rose to Coach Brian, who goes from zero to hero on the basketball group date. After warming up with some WNBA players who, like Boyz II Men, are way too talented to be on a show this bad, the men face off in a bro-on-bro basketball game. Brian delivers a pep talk worthy of a Disney sports movie, and then leads his team to victory. “He is in his element right now. He looks so hot,” Andi swoons. Andi can pretend to be giving Pantsapreneurs and wedding planners a shot, but in the end it’s going to be Brian and Josh M. duking it out, because let’s be honest, all Andi really wants is a ~sports guy~.
Roses to the members of the white team, who’ve clearly never endured any real hardships. They act like they’ve been sentenced to death when they lose the basketball game, and don’t get to go out with Andi later that night. “What keeps me going is getting to spend that time with her,” J.J. says. “It’s miserable.” Did the show’s paramedics put J.J. on suicide watch after this date? Meanwhile, Tasos, Patrick and Chris sit dejectedly in the dressing room, comforting each other that at least the men on their team played harder than the men on the other team. Josh M. stands alone on the sidelines of the court, staring forlornly up at the empty rows of seats. Good thing these dudes have their priorities sorted out so well.
A rose to Marcus, who probably wanted to go on a nice, romantic date, but instead had to go to the hotel roof and rappel down the side of the building in the freezing, gusting wind. In Connecticut. Hopefully it’ll all pay off for Marcus, because the person who goes on the rappelling/bungee jumping/ski diving/mountain climbing date usually goes far. At dinner, Marcus describes the rappelling as the “most difficult time in his life.” NO BUT SERIOUSLY, THESE MEN’S PRIORITIES. I CAN’T EVEN.
Another rose to Marcus, for having to endure the one thing worse than a private concert: a public concert, but where he and Andi are alone on a raised platform, separated from the rest of the crowd. We notice Andi makes her duck face when she dances, too. Will the tension in her lip muscles might affect her ability to kiss all these men? On the platform, Marcus tells Andi he’s falling in love with her. It’s unclear if he’s actually falling in love with her, or if he just needed a way to fill the awkwardness of dancing with Duck Face Andi on that raised platform.
A rose to Eric, who figures out that the Bachelorette is totally fake and leaves the show of his own volition. At the rose ceremony, Eric corners Andi and tells her she hasn’t been open enough with him. “I came on this [show] to meet a person, not a TV actress,” he says. He accuses Andi of having a poker face all the time. Actually, Eric, it’s called duck face.
A rose to Andi for having the gall to tearfully confront all the men after Eric’s departure and insist that she’s being totally open. “I’m so exhausted!” she cries. Uh, get over yourself, Andi. A political activist or a cattle herder or a kindergarten teacher might describe their work as “exhausting.” You, however, are on a reality TV dating show.
A rose to ABC for handling Eric’s death as appropriately as possible, given the circumstances. Instead of airing the rose ceremony, the network had Chris Harrison and Andi sit down and talk about Eric — from how Andi felt when she first met him, to what she would have changed in their relationship. Andi says she’s sad they won’t be able to resolve their argument on the upcoming Men Tell All episode.