The Bachelorette is so good, it’s frustrating that we have to cap it off at a measly two hours per week. That’s why each Tuesday, we’ll be having a Bachelorette morning-after rose ceremony to celebrate the people, places and moments that really made the previous night’s episode shine.
Before we even get to the actual episode, a rose to Josh M. Maybe it’s your unforgettable Botox-y grin, but after two weeks without the show, you’re the only contestant we actually remember by name. We couldn’t even remember who the Bachelorette is, to be honest. Are we still on Des’s season?
A rose to Andi for 100 percent buying into everything about the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise. “It’s the perfect place to fall in love,” she says of Marseille at the beginning of the episode — as is Connecticut, Cambodia, Germany, Vietnam, the destroyed post-Sandy Jersey Shore, and every other place anyone on the show has ever traveled.
A rose to the entire segment of this episode devoted to Chris Harrison and Andi’s ~*girl talk*~ at a quaint French café. “Are you falling in love?” Chris Harrison asks. “Is it more than one guy?” Way to ask the tough questions, Chris. Suddenly it makes sense why you earn tens of thousands of dollars per episode. Also, great turtleneck sweater. Trés Francais.
A rose to Josh M. for playing the athlete card so hard, even though he only played pro baseball from ages 17 to 22. While yachting with Andi, he tells her he’d never go back to playing pro sports because he wants to have a family now — as if going back to playing baseball is even a remotely realistic option anymore. Sorry dude, but it’s been like ten years and now you’re trying to find love on a reality TV show. Yet still, we’re pretty sure he’s managed to convince Andi he’s fielding calls with the Atlanta Braves in between one-on-one dates and rose ceremonies. Unsurprisingly, she gives him a rose.
A rose to JJ for sewing — get it? sewing? pants? — all the drama surrounding Andrew, the jerky social media manager who’s really only in it to get with Patrick. A few weeks ago, JJ confronted Andrew for giving his number to a waitress. Now, he informs Marquel that when he and former contestant Ron got roses, Andrew whispered, “She gave it to the two blackies.” You go, JJ. Stir that pot. Also, WTF Andrew? No roses for you ever again.
All the roses to Marquel for a) speaking out against Andrew’s assholery, and b) inadvertently addressing the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise’s rampant tokenism. “I hate like, getting emotional over it, but judge me off of me,” Marquel says, near tears. “It’s crazy to think that the first thing people are going to recognize about me is, ‘Okay, he’s a black guy.’ That’s the reality of it. It’s not like, ‘Hey, that dude’s a good dude’… It would be nice to not be seen as just, ‘Hey, this is a black guy.’ But I guess that’s what it is.”
An extra rose to Marquel for actually being an excellent mime. Future career option if rivaling Rob Kardashian’s sock company doesn’t work out?
A very silent rose to Dylan’s guess at what a mime is: “They use a lot of their, like, hands, and do activities.”
OMG you guys, a rose to Cody who’s still on this show and putting so much effort into everything and constantly smiling like a big, dopey dinosaur even though he’s never had a meaningful conversation with Andi. “I got my mime on my money and my money on my mime,” he tells the camera, in full mime attire. Oh, Cody, take that fantastic sense of humor and intellect to a woman who’ll appreciate you more than Andi does.
Another rose to JJ for his group date ingenuity. Usually the designated pot stirrer doesn’t go far romantically (lookin’ at you, Tanner P.), but JJ pulls Andi aside on the group date and reveals that he’s somehow booked them a private ride on a Ferris wheel that happens to be right outside the bar. They share a nice kiss on the Ferris wheel, probably because this time JJ isn’t dressed up like a liver spotted old man, lying to innocent people in the park.
A rose to Nick for literally shutting Andi up by kissing her at the cocktail party. Nick is so nerdy compared to the other he-men Andi is keeping around, but he is so unexpectedly smooth. It’s kind of an incredible combination. Andi is clearly feeling it too, except now the other dudes have successfully planted a seed of doubt in her mind. “Am I oblivious to who Nick really is?” No, Andi. The alpha males are just jealous of his skillz. TEAM NICK!
A rose to Marcus for laying the “You’re worth all this [stripping, miming, general humiliation]” line on Andi. Obviously she loved that nonsense. Also, thanks for letting us see your tongue, Marcus! Everyone on this show needs to save that kind of kissing for secret trysts in the ocean.
A rose to Marquel for handling a rumor that Andrew had referred to him as “blackie” (uh…) perfectly, which had the side effect of making all the other dudes fall in foreverlove with him. I lost count at how many times they freaked out about Marquel handling things like such a “MAN,” but I think it was about a billion.
A rose to Andrew for trying the old “This [infighting among the bros] makes me wonder if this is worth it” gambit on Andi. What a dumb-dumb. She doesn’t like you enough for that to work, dude!
Another rose to Andrew for using the phrase “This — for lack of a better word — competition” in front of Andi. Even though she clearly loves men competing over her, to speak about it aloud is to commit one of the deadliest sins in Bachelorettelandia.
“I love to cook, I’m a foodie myself.” A rose to Cody thinking he still has a shot and getting bummed out about missing the cooking one-on-one date. That honor went to Brian the basketball coach instead. But the joke’s on me, because Cody has lived to fight another day! Cody is the Craig of this season. “Who is Craig?” Exactly.
A rose to Brian and Andi for suffering through the ABC marketing tie-in that they are always doing with some ridonk romcom, wherein they make the Bachelor/ette and their date watch a movie and say the title about 3,000 times. This movie features a lot of cooking and so Andi “decides” that they should go to the market and cook back at her place, just like they did in that movie! What was it called again? (Genuinely can’t remember; we are impervious to your ways, ABC).
AND THEN, a frillion roses to Brian for hating cooking SO MUCH that he completely shuts down on Andi, being actively rude to her and making her wonder if she did something to make him mad. What freaks you out so much about having food prepared for you, Brian? I know that the producers made you cook frog legs, but you could have handled the asparagus or whatever. No need to have a meltdown! The bad energy permeates the food, Simply Irresistible-style, so they end up going out to a restaurant. As soon as Brian is no longer in a kitchen he turns normal again. If I were Andi I would be thinking that a life with Brian seems like one long slog through take-out menus and tiny baby tantrums, but she thinks he is “A MAN” and so they make out and he gets a rose.
A rose to Andi for her scary black gown/braid up-do, fitting for the rose ceremony bloodbath she has planned. She tells Chris that she doesn’t want a cocktail party — she wants to go straight to the elimination! I love when they do this.
A rose to Patrick for calling this “devastating news.”
In the end, Patrick, Andrew, and Marquel are sent away (Patrick and Andrew, this is your chance to be together!), and Patrick earns a final rose for the following: “I’ve heard from multiple people — not just girls — that I have qualities that are paramount for being a husband.” LOLOLOL okay.
Next week: Cody gets a one-on-one date? Andi, what are you doing with your life?