RHONY Episode 6×17: Hatchet Job

RHONY 6.17A huge problem with this late-season string of episodes has been that, with Aviva offending production and getting left out of episodes left and right, there isn’t a Housewife to cut to who is not in Montana. I would die to see even one passive-aggressive luncheon at Delicatessen to offset all of the RHONYs kicking dust into each other’s eyes out West, but alas.

We pick up right where we left off, which means that Heather is still drunk, Kristen is still pissed, and everyone else is slightly less drunk. The girls return from the failed geocaching mission to see that after she stormed off from the group activity, Ramona went back to Beaver Cabin and put some fruit and cheese on a plate and a few Coronas on ice for her girls. Sonja is losing her mind over the spread. “THAT’S A REAL HOSTESS,” she keeps yelling, as if Kristen couldn’t have found these ladies Coronas if she knew that they would ever deign to drink something so declassé. I mean, I thought Ramona denied the existence of any other beverage besides Ramona Pinot Grigio!

While the Countess sips on a Corona like she’s Vin Diesel in The Fast and the Furious, Carole goes to the other cabin to check on Kristen. Here’s the deal with Kristen: she has been treated really badly by the RHONYs on this trip, and she’s feeling underappreciated. This taps into feelings I think she also has about her marriage, which makes her even angrier. She’s picking fights with the ladies in order to fight with her husband by proxy about how she thinks he doesn’t value her. I understand why it’s happening, but that doesn’t mean it’s not annoying.

Also annoyed is Heather, who is defending her “healthy buzz” to the other ladies, which is why she continues to be the best. And that’s it for Beaver Cabin, because the next phase of this endless trip is “glamping.”

Ramona goes to check on Sonja when it’s time for them to leave, finding her not packed and still in bed. Sonja hops out of bed wearing an outfit stolen from the Coyote Ugly girls and yells that she’s “geocrashing.” I rewind this moment thirty times.

Despite most of the ladies complaining that they COULDN’T POSSIBLY camp in a tent, they arrive at the “tent,” which is a full cabin with furniture and electricity and running water and queen sized beds and a full staff of handsome twentysomething men for Sonja to sexually harass. In other words, it has everything! While they’re getting situated Heather tells Kristen playfully “Move over, bitch!” and Kristen gets all “What did you just call me?” and Heather literally says “Do you want to make a big deal about it?”

Turns out, Kristen does not want to make a big deal about it.

Meanwhile, when Ramona isn’t harassing Adam the ranch hand about their wine options, she’s yelling at Kristen about how she hasn’t been a good hostess, because Ramona was the person who demanded that space heaters be brought in.

“I’ve got my fur, so I’m good,” Kristen says rather petulantly, but also, Ramona, it’s time to relax. Kristen can only be mad at one person at a time, however, and today it’s still Heather. She accuses Heather (who is verrrrry drunk now) of being a control freak, and Heather responds by standing on a chair and demanding that everyone refer to her as “bossy bitch” from now on. Clearly not getting the rise out of Heather that she wanted, Kristen says that Heather also bosses her husband around as Ramona looks on, loving it.

While Carole points out that it’s not cool to talk about someone else’s marriage, Kristen keeps trying to run away from the bomb she just detonated at the table, saying that she didn’t mean anything bad when she said that Heather was a domineering wife, it was a compliment! When the table continues to turn on her she reaches her limit and storms off.

“There goes Dynasty,” Sonja slurs. I love her.

Ramona goes after Kristen and they bond over how they both think that Heather’s husband is scared of her. Better that than cheating on her, hmm? With everyone separated, a bigger fight is avoided and everyone goes to bed. The next morning, Heather wakes up and predicts another full day of drinking ahead of her in order to deal with Kristen.

“Rappelling popped a brain cell or something,” she says, and she is probably right. Kristen calls Josh to engage in their favorite shared pastime — gossip — and is disappointed when he “takes Heather’s side,” which mostly amounts to being confused about why Heather’s assertiveness is so offensive to Kristen. Kristen tries and fails to explain why it’s bothering her (“Because it reminds her of how little agency she has in your marriage!” I scream at the television, alone), and then gives up.

We learn the following things about Sonja: she owns at least one Mrs. Rochester-esque nightgown, 3pm is too late to poop, and she’s sick of jeans. The ladies rouse themselves and head to the rodeo, looking like Charlotte Russe models circa Madonna’s “Don’t Tell Me” video. They are overdressed, overly freaked out by the calf roping, and Kristen is overly committed to keeping her beef with Heather alive. Even Carole the diplomat is like “Give it a rest, boo.”

On the final leg of their trip, Kristen has arranged a barbecue with the resort staff where a very tall, former pro-basketball player-turned-cowboy teaches the ladies to throw hatchets. Everyone is drinking, throwing weapons, and flirting with the staff. Contentment abounds. Kristen pulls Heather aside to talk, blaming her antagonism on having “a really rough day.”

“That’s why I tried to get wasted with ya!” Heather says. Kristen continues to go on and on about how badly she was treated, blah blah blah projection, and Heather finally tells her that her tone sucks and she needs to chill. Kristen just stares at her, but the interruption has worked, like when you jangle a set of keys in order to get a baby to look at the camera for a photo. Despite Kristen claiming that she is apologizing without the word “sorry” ever coming out of her mouth, Heather agrees to move on. We get sepia-toned flashbacks to things in Montana that happened within the confines of the episode we are watching (we are not goldfish, Bravo) and everyone “Woo”s and presumably commits an indiscretion with a ranch hand. Farewell, Montana!

Next week: the Countess refuses to sing at karaoke!