What a season, everyone. This year’s run included Bookgate, epic romances, Elvis impersonators, Revolutionary Road-esque marriages, an extremely boring trip to Montana, emphatic use of inhalers and so much more! I barely even remember Aviva’s father’s engagement party at the Museum of Sex, that’s how much happened this season. It would break my heart if this season was it for these ladies. Before we all call our friends with helicopters to airlift us to the Hamptons, let’s run down what happened in the final episode of season six.
We open with Sonja in silk pajamas lying in bed and being attended to by interns, two of whom are attempting to place an ice pack on her leg. After Harry “left the party” “with Luann,” Sonja apparently took a tumble down some stairs that definitely had nothing to do with alcohol, no sir. The interns have wrapped the ice pack in a tea towel.
“I can’t deal with this aesthetically,” Sonja moans. “Bring me my French [towels].” Someone call Nicolas Cage, because this woman is a National Treasure.
Ramona and Kristen come by to get the next-day briefing and Sonja cries as she tells them about Larry (that’s Luann and Harry’s fake-couple portmanteau). Ramona and Kristen are sympathetic in the way that girlfriends are when you all unite against a common enemy. Even though this storyline is a load of bunk, it’s nice to see Sonja being supported.
Speaking of support, Kristen goes home to Josh and he isn’t emotionally abusive toward her! Wow, they really are making progress after going to thera—oh, one of Josh’s “business partners” is there? That explains the sunny attitude. Apparently E-Boost needs a model for a billboard, and although Josh’s initial thought re: casting was “25, 25, 25, HOW CAN I PUT A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD IN MY EYES” he agrees to consider his wife for the gig.
Back at Grey Gardens, Sonja is scooting down the stairs in a cocktail dress holding one of her dogs, which she exchanges for a pair of crutches proffered to her by Pickles. I feel like a portal has opened up in the space/time continuum and we’re seeing what Sonja is going to be up to in a quarter century or so. She goes to the dining room so she and Pickles can plan the party she’s throwing for “Team Sonja” at Le Cirque. Who is part of Team Sonja, you ask?
“Team Sonja is no less than 35 people,” Sexy J says. “My dog groomer, my acupuncturist, my surgeon …” Not a financial adviser among them, apparently. The party planning is put on hold when Luann rolls in and Sonja immediately accuses her of absconding with Harry. Luann initially laughs it off (the correct response), then starts talking about she was really bummed about her breakup (uhhh) and just wanted to go dancing (nooooo what are you doing???) and then flips the script on Sonja, becoming enraged that Sonja would suspect that anything untoward was happening in the first place. Through all of this Pickles lurks in the background, looking terrified. The fight isn’t exactly resolved, because fake fights can never be truly over, but Luann categorically denies that anything shady was happening.
With that, we are on to Purse Shopping for Charity with Heather and Carole, a new Bravo show that will be canceled after one season due to everyone involved dying of boredom. Carole and Heather have a legitimate friendship moment when they discuss her son’s hearing issues. It’s nice.
Back to things that don’t matter! Kristen has landed the billboard for the E-Boost campaign, which is basically her Kim Kardashian-in-Vogue moment. Josh shows up to set and Kristen is being super weird and keeps inexplicably calling him “player.” She shoots the campaign, it seems to go well, and she is happy that Josh got to see her in her element, but not so happy that she doesn’t recoil from him kissing her at the end of the scene. And that’s it for the Taekman marriage this season, everyone! Everything seems really great and fine with those two, for sure.
Speaking of doomed romances, Harry and Sonja meet for a drink and she grills him about leaving with Luann. He brushes it off, insisting that nothing happened, but Sonja’s heart is a glittering diamond of un-forgiveness. She gives him his ring back! I’m not proud of it, but I let out a tiny little yelp of sadness when that happened. Sonja says she thinks she has “another 10 to 20 years of marriage ahead of [her],” and she and Harry can try again after that.
“Oh, god!” Someone (it could be anyone) wails alone on her couch. “But you two are made for each other!”
“This is nothing to end a 25-year relationship over,” Harry and the same mystery person say in unison. But end it she does.
We cut to Carole’s apartment post-renovation, as if anyone cares what her new ceiling looks like after we just watched the Bella and Edward of the Baby Boomer era walk away from each other for good. Kristen and Heather come over to admire it AND look at copies of The Widow’s Guide to Sex and Dating AND say mean stuff about Aviva. Ramona dated Fabio once. That’s not a non-sequitur, that’s just something we learn in the 90 second *~goofy~* clip that always airs in the back half of unscripted Bravo shows, and while there wasn’t a great place to put it in the recap, everyone needs to know.
At last, we have arrived at the Team Sonja party, and in fact we have arrived there before Sonja herself. The room is full of randoms, and I’m not just talking about the Housewives. The ladies only seem to be interested in talking to each other about Aviva, who has entered the room to a rather frosty reception. Sonja finally shows up and gives a rambling speech while telling us in a talking head interview that things are looking up for Team Sonja: they have “contract[s] on the table” with unnamed department stores, manufacturers of French clothing lines and makers of perfumes.
“IS THAT SO?” All the toaster oven truthers crow from their couches in unison. Nonetheless, I think Sonja deserves a break. She just bid goodbye to the SWEATY LOVE OF HER LIFE, for heaven’s sake.