The Bachelorette is so good, it’s frustrating that we have to cap it off at a measly two hours per week. That’s why each Tuesday, we’ll be having a Bachelorette morning-after rose ceremony to celebrate the people, places and moments that really made the previous night’s episode shine.
A rose to Nick’s leather jacket and scarf, which we see have made it all the way from Europe back to Wisconsin. We must say, the items pair fabulously with the Packers Cheesehead hat he places on Andi’s head at the market. Also, hold up—did they only go to Europe? What kind of lame ass journey of love is that? Ooooh that’s right, they also went to Connecticut. We take everything back.
A rose to Nick for keeping us on our toes. He genuinely seems boyishly happy to be on a date with Andi in his hometown, but it’s confusing because we know he might also be an evil mastermind who wants to pledge his allegiance to Andi by drinking her blood or something. As the couple dances happily to polka music in the beer hall, we can’t help but wonder, terrified: have we misjudged Nick all along, or is this just the calm before some kind of horrific storm?
A rose to Nick’s family, a.k.a. Wisconsin’s answer to the Duggars, minus the Christian zeal. Seriously—there are like 7 million of them. They all seem nice enough, but nevertheless, important question: would self-lovin’ Andi get frustrated if she weren’t the center of attention in this freakishly huge family?
Okay, just kidding. But seriously, Nick’s family:
Time for Farmer Chris’ hometown date in northeastern Iowa! Honestly, a rose to Andi for even remotely considering this as a viable option. Then again, Farmer Chris looks SO FREAKING HOT IN HIS FARMER CLOTHES APOSDIJFAPDOIFJKDJVASVJH that we kind of understand Andi’s reasoning. We’re assuming Chris ditched his scarf in Brussels. Maybe he chucked it into the pottery kiln.
A rose to Farmer Chris for owning his own really nice house! Then again, we can’t imagine real estate demand in the farmlands of Iowa is particularly high. He’s probably paying the same for that as we pay for our one-bedroom in Queens. Er, why do we live in Queens, again? Oh yeah, because there’s legit nothing to do in northeastern Iowa, evidenced by the fact that Chris takes Andi on a tractor ride in a big empty field to show her what he does for fun.
A rose, again, to my (Jordyn’s) dad, who at this point texted me, “Staaaaaaaaaaaaaap. A tractor.”
A rose to Chris’ mom, who is NOT BEATING AROUND THE BUSH. She and Andi have an emotional conversation (where Andi is inexplicably gripping Chris’ mom’s upper thigh?!?!?!) where she tells Andi she thinks she and Chris will have beautiful babies. Then she throws around the word “gumption” a lot, so we can’t not like her.
After dinner, the family goes outside and plays an adorable game of hide-and-seek. We gaze outside our window at the expanses of dirty concrete and garbage and think it might just be time for us to get back to nature. Aaaanyway, a rose to Andi, who seems truly happy and has managed to keep the duck face to a minimum all night. Huge success.
A rose goes to Josh’s dog Sable, because all dogs automatically get roses. Those are the rules.
A rose goes to Andi’s many faces when she realized that if she marries into Josh’s family, she is going to have to spend 90 percent of her life talking about football. At least she’d be marrying Josh and not Aaron, where it appears the likelihood would be closer to 100 percent? She gamely pretends with Josh’s dad that her dream for her life has always been to follow her husband’s younger brother’s NFL career obsessively, but we all know the truth.
A rose also goes to Andi’s manners. She put her shoes on Josh’s family’s couch. Were you raised in a BARN? The Murrays get their revenge by making her play touch football in the yard.
Um, a rose goes to Marcus for thinking that it was a good idea to reenact the Magic Mike group date on his hometown visit, complete with dragging Andi to an empty bar in the middle of the day that has red crocodile patterned leather seats and light fixtures made out of champagne flutes. Andi is feeling it, but not in a Forever Love way. While everyone else offered her promises of 10 siblings-in-law, acres of land and/or a front row seat to more NFL games than one human being can reasonably stand, Marcus took his clothes off for her at, like, 2 p.m. In retrospect, we should have seen his elimination coming.
A rose goes to Marcus for the scene when everyone is brought to Harrison’s house (!!!!!!!!), and he’s keeping the tiny scarf tradition cultivated among all the guys in Europe alive.
A rose goes to the show for mostly handling the death of Eric Hill with dignity and grace. That said, it doesn’t mean it was easy to watch (…or particularly interesting, given that we have already seen a Chris/Andi sitdown on the subject). It mostly went like this.
Hopefully, now, the thoughts and feelings of people who knew him for a handful of days have been sufficiently dealt with.
And a rose goes to Marcus, for being smoking hot, willing to declare his Forever Love and landing one of the coveted rappelling dates, and still getting the boot this week.
How do you not hang on to him for the Fantasy Suite dates, Andi? This is the most mind boggling decision since letting go of Carl the Firefighter.