‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Contestant Predictions: Who’s Most Likely…

It’s been a long seven days since ABC forced us to watch Bachelorette Andi Dorfman choose Josh “Not like most athletes” Murray over Nick “You made love to me” Viall. Thankfully, the non-existent wait is over: the inaugural season of Bachelor in Paradise premieres tonight.

Here’s how the show’s described on ABC’s website:

“The romantic dating series will feature new twists, shocking surprises, unexpected guests and some of the most unlikely relationships in ‘Bachelor’ history, plus all the usual romance, drama and tears we’ve come to expect from the ‘Bachelor’ franchise.”

To prepare you for what honestly sounds like the greatest event in TV history, we’ve made some predictions about what’ll happen to this lucky crop of 25 Bachelor, Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad alums. Who will do the most crying? Will a murder take place? Most importantly, will Michelle Money and Cody fall passionately in love and ride off into the sunset on horseback? Let’s find out.

Clare Crawley, 33,  – The Bachelor, Season 18 (Juan Pablo)

Clare Crawley, 33, – The Bachelor, Season 18 (Juan Pablo)

Most Likely To: Get dumped, cry a lot, seek solace in the arms of every remaining male contestant, get rejected, cry some more, and ultimately descend into a psychotic rampage that ends with her forcefully breaking into Chris Harrison’s sleeping chamber (because you know it’s a chamber), fangs bared, demanding to be sent home.

Marcus Grodd, 26 - The Bachelorette, Season 10 (Andi)

Marcus Grodd, 26 – The Bachelorette, Season 10 (Andi)

Most Likely To: Get drunk and try to break out that sailor stripping routine, only to realize the third time isn’t, in fact, the charm.

Chris Bukowski, 27 - The Bachelorette, Season 8 (Emily) & Bachelor Pad, Season 3

Chris Bukowski, 27 – The Bachelorette, Season 8 (Emily) & Bachelor Pad, Season 3

Most Likely To: Commit an actual murder.

Christy Hansen, 25 - The Bachelor, Season 18 (Juan Pablo)

Christy Hansen, 25 – The Bachelor, Season 18 (Juan Pablo)

Most Likely To: Be too overwhelmed by this whole ridiculous show to emerge from the comfort of her favorite cabana. She looks terrified in this photo, tbh.

Michelle Money, 33 - The Bachelor, Season 16 (Brad) & Bachelor Pad, Season 2

Michelle Money, 33 – The Bachelor, Season 16 (Brad) & Bachelor Pad, Season 2

Most Likely To: Get accidentally crushed when Cody rolls on top of her on the bunk bed they’re sharing.

Tasos Hernandez, 30 - The Bachelorette, Season 10 (Andi)

Tasos Hernandez, 30 – The Bachelorette, Season 10 (Andi)

Most Likely To: Get really disappointed when he’s sent home and people still don’t know who he is.

Brooks Forester, 29 - The Bachelorette, Season 9 (Desiree)

Brooks Forester, 29 – The Bachelorette, Season 9 (Desiree)

Most Likely To: Show up in Converse for a long walk on the beach.

Sarah Herron, 27 - The Bachelor, Season 17 (Sean)

Sarah Herron, 27 – The Bachelor, Season 17 (Sean)

Most Likely To: Be coerced into an onslaught of traumatizing physical activities, like that time Sean made her GO ROLLER-SKATING.

Robert Graham, 31- The Bachelorette, Season 9 (Desiree)

Robert Graham, 31- The Bachelorette, Season 9 (Desiree)

Most Likely To: Get way too competitive and start yelling about being a “grown-ass man” when another guy — Chris Bukowski, probably — starts flirting with his date.

Cody Sattler, 28 - The Bachelorette, Season 10 (Andi)

Cody Sattler, 28 – The Bachelorette, Season 10 (Andi)

Most Likely To: Be mistaken for a coconut.

Danielle Ronco, 26 - The Bachelor, Season 18 (Juan Pablo)

Danielle Ronco, 26 – The Bachelor, Season 18 (Juan Pablo)

Most Likely To: Hook up with Tasos after the two escape to some private beach and the producers forget they were ever even on the show to begin with.

Jackie Parr, 26 - The Bachelor, Season 17 (Sean)

Jackie Parr, 26 – The Bachelor, Season 17 (Sean)

Most Likely To: Try repeatedly to convince Cody that Michelle Money isn’t with him for the right reasons.

Kalon McMahon, 29 - The Bachelorette, Season 8 (Emily) & Bachelor Pad, Season 3

Kalon McMahon, 29 – The Bachelorette, Season 8 (Emily) & Bachelor Pad, Season 3

Most Likely To: Set up a Christian Grey-esque Red Room of Pain in some secluded cave, but have Marquel be the only one to show up to check it out (he’s trying to be supportive).

Zack Kalter, 29 - The Bachelorette, Season 9 (Desiree)

Zack Kalter, 29 – The Bachelorette, Season 9 (Desiree)

Most Likely To: Just wanna play frisbee on the beach and not worry about chicks, bro.

Lucy Aragon, 25 - The Bachelor, Season 18 (Juan Pablo)

Lucy Aragon, 25 – The Bachelor, Season 18 (Juan Pablo)

Most Likely To: Not wear clothes for the duration of the show, obviously.

Jesse Kovacs, 32 - The Bachelorette, Season 5 (Jillian) & Bachelor Pad, Season 1

Jesse Kovacs, 32 – The Bachelorette, Season 5 (Jillian) & Bachelor Pad, Season 1

Most Likely To: Disappoint us because he’s basically a poor man’s Ames Brown. Um, follow-up question — is it too late to cast Ames on this show, too?

AshLee Frazier, 33 - The Bachelor, Season 17 (Sean)

AshLee Frazier, 33 – The Bachelor, Season 17 (Sean)

Most Likely To: Try to win a guy by presenting him with a D.I.Y. pukka shell necklace and a rudimentary stick-figure drawing in the sand that she spent hours on.

Ben Scott, 30 - The Bachelorette, Season 9 (Desiree)

Ben Scott, 30 – The Bachelorette, Season 9 (Desiree)

Most Like To: Whine about missing his kid back home zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz please make it be over.

Daniella McBride, 26 - The Bachelor, Season 17 (Sean)

Daniella McBride, 26 – The Bachelor, Season 17 (Sean)

Most Likely To: Hook up with Ben? I don’t know, she looks pretty wholesome.

Elise Mosca, 28 - The Bachelor, Season 18 (Juan Pablo)

Elise Mosca, 28 – The Bachelor, Season 18 (Juan Pablo)

Most Likely To: Try to catch a frisbee with her boobs.

Graham Bunn, 36 - The Bachelorette, Season 4 (Deanna) & Bachelor Pad, Season 2

Graham Bunn, 36 – The Bachelorette, Season 4 (Deanna) & Bachelor Pad, Season 2

Most Likely To: Commiserate with fellow old fart Chris Harrison about how frisky all those young whippersnappers can be, and not be able to join in on any of the contestants’ conversations about Snapchat and Ariana Grande.

Lacy Faddoul, 25 - The Bachelor, Season 18 (Juan Pablo)

Lacy Faddoul, 25 – The Bachelor, Season 18 (Juan Pablo)

Most Likely To: Be really confused when she finds out this isn’t, in fact, the taping for Toddlers in Tiaras.

Michelle Kujawa, 30 - The Bachelor, Season 14 (Jake) & Bachelor Pad, Season 1

Michelle Kujawa, 30 – The Bachelor, Season 14 (Jake) & Bachelor Pad, Season 1

Most Likely To: Immediately quit the show after the plane ride to Mexico triggers her Jake Pavelka-related PTSD.

Dylan Petit,

Dylan Petit – The Bachelorette, Season 10 (Andi)

Most Likely To: Come out of his shell now that he’s not forced to go on dates in Connecticut, surrounded by painful memories of his dead family members.

Marquel Martin - The Bachelorette, Season 10 (Andi)

Marquel Martin – The Bachelorette, Season 10 (Andi)

Most Likely To: Try to work a power clashing pocket square into his swimwear.