Bachelor in Paradise is our reward for slogging through weeks of Bachelorette Andi’s nonsense. Join us, as contestants from Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons past stop being polite and start getting real (drunk and crazy).
A rose goes to Harrison for not even bothering to hide his excitement over Bachelor In Paradise’s crew member/cast member forbidden romance. Turns out that the reason Michelle K. was being such a sketchy weirdo, besides all the usual reasons, was that she was engaging in a flirtation with a show employee who brought her “floss and hand picked flowers.” There are many hilarious things about this (the dude’s name is Putz; he misjudged the distance between a balcony and the ground, resulting in two broken legs) but the funniest is how delighted Chris Harrison is about the whole thing. I hope he sent the guy flowers in the hospital with a card that just read “lol.”
A rose to the handler who discovered this relationship while “taking Daniela to her psychiatrist” and has to serve as the narrator in the show’s Investigation Discovery-esque DRAMATIC REENACTMENT of the balcony jump. Another rose to her because she can’t get through telling the story without laughing.
A rose to Michelle K., who claims that she doesn’t want to confess the affair to Chris Harrison because he’s “just a host.” It goes without saying that Harrison is A. listening in when she says it and B. tickled pink.
A rose goes to the show’s Inception-light BWAAAAAAAAAMP musical cues to denote dramatic action. This rose will also have to be shared with Graham, who is only thirty five in real life but about 1,000 in Bachelor years, and looks every inch the grizzled veteran in every single shot. He looks older than Harrison!
A rose goes to Chris Bukowski for rolling up on the beach and immediately earning his keep via mind games. He has a date card which he first uses to take Clare out, but then quickly starts flirting with Elise, creating friction between her and her true love Dylan and paving the way for Clare to make a love connection with the fairly normal and completely unmemorable other new arrival, Zack — but not before she falls for a healthy amount of Chris’s Crap.
A rose to Elise for hearing Dylan say that he would be fine with her “meeting other people” and ignoring the true meaning of his words, which were “I would like to meet other people before you do.” She immediately jumps into the ocean with Chris (not a euphemism, but they did make out) and then is confused when Dylan is mad at her, as well she should be. She took you at your word, bro! Wash your hands!
However, that rose is getting taken right back for Elise concluding that Dylan is setting up a little “if you love someone, set them free” kind of situation, in which he “wanted [her] to be fed to the sharks so he knew [she] was coming back.” In the words of Harrison, “lol no.”
No roses to Dylan, who’s desperate to a) ditch Elise and b) still get a rose, and so asks poor, meek, boyfriend-less Sarah if she’d like to accompany him on his date. She only has one arm — she should be begging to get on that date, right? WRONG, DYLAN. Sarah tells Dylan she’s interested, but she has to talk with Elise first, because Elise is her best friend and might actually be conducting animal sacrifices in the name of her and Dylan’s love as they speak. I’m glad Sarah took Dylan’s ego down a peg, but on the flip side, this is Bachelor in Paradise, not BFF in Paradise — especially if your BFF is a total loon.
Um, can we give all the roses, plus an ACTUAL EMMY to Elise’s psychotic breakdown over Dylan? Somehow, she’s convinced herself that Dylan’s efforts to get the hell away from her (to throw her into the “shark tank,” as she puts it) are actually signs of how much he cares about her.
“If he picked me, his mind would be other places and I want him to have fun — I want you to have fun,” Elise tells Sarah when Sarah asks permission to go on a date with Dylan. “If I would have wanted him to ask anyone in the house, I trust you.” Her voice is wavering. “I’m glad he asked you. You deserve it.” She’s somehow smiling and on the verge of tears all at once. “Now is not the right time for me to go with him.” She’s legit crying. “It’s a good thing.” SHE’S CRYING A LOT. Oh — and let’s all just remind ourselves that Elise and Dylan have never been on an actual date. They went swimming together like, once. I’ve developed closer bonds with passengers on a crowded subway ride.
A limp, sad-looking rose to Dylan’s pathetic attempts to pretend he’s actually into Sarah, and not just on a date with her because he desperately wants a rose. He says her personality’s “unbelievable,” and that she’s “hilarious.” But is she, Dylan? IS SHE???
A rose to that time AshLee told Elise she was being crazy about Dylan. FYI, if AshLee tells you you’re being crazy, congratulations, you are CLINICALLY INSANE.
A rose to the bizarre, most-likely-producer-engineered plotline wherein Marcus and Marquel are poking around Ben’s stupid ninja turtle backpack, and discover a handwritten love letter from a paramour back home. Um, who carries around a handwritten love letter? What is this, Victorian England? Did Ben’s lover secretly write it as she took a turn about the room, stow it in her bosom, and furtively pass it to him before his carriage took him to the shipyard where he’d board a vessel bound for Tulum?
A rose to the biggest twist of this episode: we’ve actually been watching the filming of a telenovela! Dramatic music swells in the background as everyone — especially Michelle Money — reams Ben out for having a girlfriend back home.
Eventually, Ben swings that stupid backpack over his shirtless shoulder and heads home, where he’ll finally be reunited with Lady Constance Elizabeth and they’ll hit croquet balls together into the sunset.
Since the women hold the power this week, you’d think the guys would be clamoring to win their favor. Nope! Claaassic men, amiright? No roses to Marquel, who somehow thinks it’s okay to sit down with Michelle Money and list the things he doesn’t like about her, namely that she “likes to drink.” Uh, that’s a bold statement from someone whose outfit looks like it was definitely assembled under the influence of alcohol.
A rose to each of Dylan’s pathetic attempts to break up with Elise before the rose ceremony. The lines he uses include “You’re a great friend of mine,” “I think you should take full advantage of situations that are happening right now,” and “Chris actually really likes you.”
Time for the rose ceremony! Because, again, these macho men don’t seem to realize the women have the power to keep them on the show, Dylan rejects Elise’s offer of a rose. A thousand, trillion roses to the speech Elise makes in response:
“I want to thank Dylan because I as a woman, and every woman here, deserves 100 percent, and a man that’s going to fight for her. I know that you know that life brings a lot of things. Life brings ups and downs, and I know that myself and everyone woman here deserves someone that’s going to be there through thick and thin, through sickness and health, everything, and Chris, will you accept this rose?”
Here’s how the rest of the rose ceremony plays out:
Lacy gives a rose to Marcus, obv.
AshLee gives a rose to Graham, who’s too scared to ask anybody for help.
Clare gives a rose to Zack.
Michelle gives rose to Marquel, even though he thinks she’s a raging alcoholic.
Sarah gives a rose to Robert, not Dylan.
SMELL YA LATER DYLAN, SEE YA NEVER.