‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Morning-After Rose Ceremony: Week 3

Alright, they're kinda meant for each other, tbh.

Alright, they’re kinda meant for each other, tbh.

Bachelor in Paradise is our reward for slogging through weeks of Bachelorette Andi’s nonsense. Join us, as contestants from Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons past stop being polite and start getting real (drunk and crazy).

rose iconWhen the episode starts, everyone’s still recovering from Elise’s crazy performance at last week’s rose ceremony. Though Elise is certifiably insane, no roses to Graham and AshLee, who sit there snootily criticizing her: “It just came off very egotistical to me,” AshLee says. “If she wanted Chris, she should have called Chris, and not put Dylan through that.” Um, can you get off your high horse and remember you all elected to come on a bad realty TV dating show that’s a spinoff of another bad reality TV dating show?

SETTLE, GRAHAM.

“That young lady’s behavior was simply despicable, I do say! Pish posh!”

rose iconA rose to Elise for more great love metaphors right from the get-go. Last week she was all about a “shark tank” or something when it came to Dylan (whatever the heck that meant), but this week, she’s really into the weather metaphors to describe her newfound passion for Chris Bukowski. “I really want to fall in love with Chris,” she says to the camera earnestly, her smile barely masking how close she is to another psychotic breakdown, “I want this whole experience to have been a blessing in disguise, and through the storm comes a rainbow. And I want Chris to be my rainbow.” K.

"I’m so excited I gave the rose to Chris. i can’t believe there was actually any other doubt in my mind." Funny, because five minutes ago we're pretty sure you would have sacrificed your firstborn for a date with Dylan.

“I’m so excited I gave the rose to Chris. I can’t believe there was actually any other doubt in my mind.” Funny, because five minutes ago we’re pretty sure you would have sacrificed your firstborn for a date with Dylan.

rose iconA rose to Michelle Money’s totally awesome idea for when new cast members show up in Tulum with date cards: let them pick whomever they want, and don’t let them know who’s already coupled up! Awesome plan! This obviously backfires (how could it not?) when newcomer Danielle invites Marquel — who says yes.

 

"I am SO over Marquel, and SO into Robert now. Also, wtf is up with your awkward waist tan line?"

“I am SO over Marquel, and SO into Robert now.”

"LOLOLOL what's a Michelle?"

“LOLOLOL what’s a Michelle?”

rose iconIf we could only give one rose this whole episode, it’d go to the face Elise makes when she finds out there’s a date card for her.

 

Chris, prepare to either have a great time or be murdered.

Chris, prepare to either have a great time or be violently murdered.

rose iconHe might be a dick, but a rose to Chris Bukowski, who has a TORN MENISCUS (basically an unusable knee) and yet still agrees to a date with Crazy Elise. What a trooper! At dinner, Chris silently endures excruciating pain as Elise says totally normal things like “It’s not just one day that changed things. You changed things,” and “Trust me, you will be blessed for being so sweet to me. You will be so blessed.” At the end of the night, at least Chris gets to make out with her in a pool, and then “enjoy her behind closed doors” — his words, not ours.

"I literally can't walk."

“I literally can’t walk.”

"But I wore this seizure-inducing sequined bikini for you!"

“But I wore this seizure-inducing sequined bikini for you!”

rose iconA LOT of roses to Sarah, who’s devastated when Michelle and Clare plan a double date with Robert and Zack. Sarah likes Robert, and wishes she had the confidence to do something like that. “I’ve always felt like an outcast, and I always feel like I’m not the same as other girls, and I really tried to come here not having that mentality,” she says. It’s genuinely heartbreaking. Stop making us feel emotions, Bachelor in Paradise! “I chose Robert because he seems to be like the kind of guy I would actually want to date. But I feel like he wants one of these perfectly put-together Bachelor girls.”

STOP IT SARAH YOU ARE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

STOP IT SARAH YOU ARE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

But Sarah has no need to worry, because Michelle wants a kiss with Robert, but gets this lame-o hug instead.

Also you have no need to worry, because Michelle Money goes in for a kiss with Robert but gets this lame-o hug instead.

“Hey, buddy.”

rose iconA rose to Marquel, who’s also keeping this show interesting — mainly because we don’t think he realizes he’s allowed to say “no” to date invitations. When another newcomer, Jackie, shows up with a date card, Marquel agrees to go with her. Now Danielle — who only came on the show in the hopes of meeting Marquel — gets shafted.

Womp womp.

Womp womp.

rose iconA rose to Graham, who takes the brave step of discussing his hostage situation during a walk with Michelle on the beach, even as AshLee explains her hostage-taking philosophy to Danielle from a balcony as she keeps a watchful eye on Graham and Michelle. I feel like the reason that Graham doesn’t get a ton of screen time is that AshLee keeps him on ice in a refrigerated locker somewhere, and he was only able to get out here because he told her he was going to talk to Michelle about proposal ideas.

Bachelor in Paradise

“HELP”

Bachelor in Paradise 1.3

“If he goes too far it just gives him, like, a little shock. Like a finger pricking sensation.”

rose iconA rose to Marquel and Jackie for kissing on the first date and then both claiming that they totally never kiss on the first date. I’m going to go on a limb and say that kissing on a first date while you’re on camera is roughly equivalent to 1,000,000 first date kisses off-camera, but sure, guys. You are both the biggest prudes on Bachelor In Paradise by a mile. Congrats.

Bachelor in Paradise 1.3

V. chaste.

rose iconA rose to Elise for Misery-ing Chris making the best of a tough situation by deciding to nurse Chris’s bum leg back to health through the twin powers of damp washcloths and cuddling. Unfortunately, neither of those things are a match for actual surgery, so Chris ends up sending himself home — but not before falling on the rainbow grenade and asking Elise to leave Paradise with him before she can decide that Zack is her One True Love. Zack’s gain is our great loss. Farewell, Elise. You were bonkers, and I hope you’ll be back for Bachelor in Paradise Pts. 2, 3, 4 and 5.

Bachelor in Paradise 1.3

Hot take: can anyone prove that it wasn’t Elise that incapacitated Chris?

rose iconA rose to Clare for turning that frown right upside down in the middle of a conversation with Zack about her late father when she sees a turtle. The turtle either symbolizes “new life,” “Clare’s dad” or “the Earth,” according to SpiritAnimal.info.

Bachelor in Paradise 1.3

I’m not making fun of this, because it was actually a sweet moment. Also can we get some lights in here?

Bachelor in Paradise 1.3

Sup

Bachelor in Paradise 1.3

Turtle time!

 

rose iconAnd finally, a baker’s dozen of roses to AshLee, who is proving with grace and aplomb that it is possible to be actually cuckoo bananas insane and still find a guy to date if you are conventionally attractive enough. From telling Graham on their date “It’s been three weeks but it feels like an eternity,” to talking about how she could tell he was a good person based on his Instagram account, to telling the camera “I am semi-obsessed with Graham,” to her geriatric shimmying to some live music on their date thanks to the size and length of her dress, AshLee’s coordinates on the Hot/Crazy Scale are way above average. Brava.

Bachelor in Paradise 1.3

This happened.

Bachelor in Paradise 1.3

Graham bowed to it.

In the end, the pairs stand thusly:

- Marcus and Lacy

- Clare and Zack

- Marquel and Jackie

- Graham and AshLee

- Robert and Sarah

- Chris and Michelle (except he’s leaving with Elise, so the cheese stands alone)

And Danielle is cast out of paradise forever! We hardly knew ye.

Next week: CODY COMES FOR US ALL and Graham possibly builds a raft to escape AshLee.