Jon Hamm, Bras and ‘Wahlburgers': Things That Should (But Won’t) Happen at the Emmys

"Lol more than The Wire? Seriously?"

“Lol more than The Wire? Seriously?”

Over at tvDownload, we have been having a good-natured, ongoing debate series over who we think should win what come Emmy-time next Monday. But those conversations are based on things like facts and enjoyment value and people who were actually nominated. (Most of the time. Like 80% of the time.)

What we failed to mention in any of those debates is that for a lot of the time the Emmys are boring, and when they aren’t boring they are often just giving awards to people they shouldn’t be (what’s up Jeff Daniels!) These are the things that should happen to make Emmy night a joy to watch.

  • I think True Detective’s Cary Joji Fukanaga is basically a lock to win Best Directing. Some people disagree. Whatever, moving on. Unless Mr. Fukanaga’s acceptance speech is a 6-minute long tracking shot, starting about a mile away from the event at a crack head stash house Nic Pizzolatto’s Emmy party and ending on stage. Mr. Fukanaga should drag Downton Abbey’s David Evans the entire way in a head lock. “I wish I could have done this from the start, you fucking moron,” Mr. Fukanaga would probably say.
  • The Emmys should definitely, definitely give an award to Jon Hamm. Oh, not for Mad Men, or his performance as Don Draper ON Mad Men. Yeah, that show has no chance of winning any category it is nominated for. It’s just that Jon Hamm has zero individual Emmys, and that just feels wrong. I think if they gave him a statue, and the plate on it just read “handsome,” I think we’d all be okay with that.
  • I don’t think I get Lena Dunham. Maybe I just don’t like it that the voice of my generation once said, “Why would you even have a snack if you didn’t tell anybody? Why bother eating?” So I’m not really too keen on her winning any Emmys. But the Emmys do need musical performances, so I nominate this.

  • Sofia Vergara should win for Outstanding Supporting Bra.
  • Sometime during the ceremony the production should quickly cut outside to where Charles Dance and Pablo Pascal are having their own Emmys, because they didn’t want those awards for Game of Thrones anyway. Orphan Black‘s Tatiana Maslany is tending the bar. For the hell of it the bouncer is Hafthor Bjornsson, the guy who plays Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane on Thrones. You would think you could probably get into this party of non-nominees but then there’s this video of Mr. Bjornnsen throwing a washing machine.
  • Woody Harrelson should win Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama. Not only would this create the best moment of shock in Emmy history, but it would mark the end of the McConnaissance and usher in the Harrelsonejuvenation™.
  • Wahlburgers should win for Outstanding Unstructured Reality Program, simply so that I can reference that fact that fucking Wahlburgers has more Emmys than the The Wire in every single thing I write until the end of time.
  • The cast of The Big Bang Theory shouldn’t bother to show up, because obviously they aren’t being paid enough to do so. If he’s making absolute bank creating such priceless works of art that each episode of Big Bang Theory is, Jim Parsons is going to need at least double to lower himself to sit amongst the mere mortals that don’t have even have a catchphrase on network TV.

In case you were wondering about all the things that will happen but shouldn’t: Big Bang Theory and Modern Family will share every category they are nominated for, and Aaron Paul will say the word “bitch” no less than 1,000 times. See you Monday!