It’s Conor’s 14th birthday! Mom and Dad didn’t remember but they were both busy getting laid and stuff. Ray had sex with Ashley and Abby was out with her cop boyfriend, Jim. Ray slept on the couch so Abby wouldn’t know he was out all night. Perfect plan. Somebody remembered the big day, Tommy Wheeler, the actor with the sort of inappropriate video chat relationship with Conor.
Conor wakes up to a b-day greeting from Tommy who’s shooting a movie in London. Tommy also confides in Conor, telling him that London has him feeling lonely and he’s started “sucking dick again.” That time change can be brutal. This leads to a moment of awkward silence that’s broken by Tommy giving Conor his gift of three topless British women with “Happy Birthday Conor” written on them in lipstick. Holy crap, shut up about nobody remembering your birthday. You just had an action hero confess his sexual identity crisis and you saw live naked boobs. Rich kids never appreciate anything. Good thing those naked ladies yelled happy birthday because Ray was able to overhear. Now Ray can act like he remembered the whole time.
Ray goes looking for Abby to tell her about Conor but she got up early to go meet up with Jim at a cheap motel. Abby is sitting alone on the bed waiting when Ray calls. She doesn’t pick up because nothing spoils daytime motel sex like a call from your husband. There’s a knock at the door. It’s go time. Officer Jim and Abby are going to get it on. Abby is nervous and tells Jim, “I’ve only had sex with one person in 20 years. I only know how to do it like my husband likes it.” She fails to mention that the way Ray likes it is violently. Doesn’t matter to Jim because why would it? Phone rings, it’s Ray again. Abby figures she better take the call or Ray is going to keep interrupting her. If she would just have sex at night, like Ray, this wouldn’t be a problem.
When Ray reminds her that it’s Conor’s birthday Abby plays it like she knew, saying she’s out picking up the cake now. Ray asks, “What are we doing for him?” Abby figures that because she’s cutting her date short to go get a cake, Ray can deal with other plans. Jim tries to get Abby to stay but she’s freaked out that she forgot her Conor’s birthday. She runs out the door saying she’s confused. So close, Jim. Now he’ll have to go to the firing range to meet more lonely wives.
“Happy birthday kiddo.” Ray acts all casual like he didn’t forget and offers to get floor seats for the Laker game. Doesn’t fool Conor. “You forget my fucking birthday.” Ray admits to it right away. Conor doesn’t want to go to a basketball game. All he wants is a party with the whole family including Terry, Bunchy, Daryll and Mickey. This has got to be the only 14 year-old that wants to spend more time with his family. All the Donovans are getting together. What could go wrong?
On his way over to see Steve Knight, the self-help guy paying Ray 100k a month, Ray calls Terry to invite him to the party and tells him to tell Bunchy, too. Terry asks some money questions about the gym but Ray puts him off. He agrees to come to the party but insists they need to talk tonight.
Bunchy is drinking some coffee with his sexual abuse support group (SNAP) pal Stan. We’ve only seen Stan one other time in the first episode this season. It kind of seemed like Stan was asking Bunchy out on a date when they met but Bunch didn’t pick up on it and couldn’t go anyway. So now Bunchy is telling Stan about his new lady and the Viagra story. Stan tells Bunchy he should be seeing other people. He also seems bummed out the more Bunchy talks about Patty. Since he seems kind of sad, Bunchy invites Stan to Conor’s birthday party. This party is getting better.
What’s going on with Steve Knight? He’s hanging at Ashley’s and that stalker, Bob Lepecka from last season, is back and he’s taking pictures. Steve is divorcing his wife and he can’t have pictures of him with Ashley around. That’s easy enough. Ray comes up from behind Bob, grabs his camera and smashes it on a rock. He also pockets the memory card. Bob insists that Steve is the bad guy. All Bob has done is watch Ashley while jerking off in her car once when she left it unlocked. That sounds like a victimless crime.
The bakery is all out of cakes. What’s Abby going to do other than go to another bakery or supermarket or Carvel? Doesn’t Conor want a Carvel cake? Abby is a busy woman just starting to dabble in infidelity. She doesn’t have time to find another cake. So she bribes the kid behind the counter to hook her up. Somebody else is going cakeless because of Abby’s neglect. This is spiraling out of control.
Mick’s going to the party. Conor invited him and Ray Ok’d it. He’s bringing a date, too. That leaves Shorty all alone. Mickey pays Cherry, his hooker neighbor, to keep Shorty company and do anything else Shorty feels capable of.
While waiting to talk to Harriet about selling the gym, Terry tells Francis she has to go to the party. She hates Ray because he threatened her once. Big deal. Bad news about the gym. It’s a bad market and Ray needs to consent to the sale since he’s the majority owner. Don’t worry, that’ll be perfect party talk.
Abby brings the cake home and Bridgett points out that oops, Conor’s name is misspelled, “Conner.” Oh and Bridgette isn’t hanging out for some lame party. She’s going to the recording studio with Marvin Gaye Washington. When Abby tells her she has to stay Bridgette asks her why she was out so late last night.
Marvin and his gangster friend Cookie Brown are waiting out front of the Donovan house blasting music out of their SUV when Ray pulls up. Ray grabs Bridgett to bring her back in the house. Cookie apologizes and tells Ray that they have some business to discuss with Lee Drexler.
So it’s Claudette whom Mickey is bringing to the party. Daryll is driving them there in Mick’s Cadillac. Oh, the memories. Like that time Daryll drove that car when he was twelve. He always loved Mickey’s Cadillac. They really shoehorned that story in.
While they’re getting ready for the party Ray asks Abby where she was last night. Bad move. “You got some balls to ask me that. What time did you get in last night and why’d you sleep downstairs? You have someone’s stink on you?” Touché, Abby.
Party time. It’s the perfect 14-year-old birthday. Liquor and 80’s music. Everybody is getting loaded. Terry is already talking about selling the gym. He’s there with Francis and Bunchy is there with his buddy Stan.
The party really gets kicking when Mickey shows up with Daryll and Claudette. Since Mickey cheated on their mom with Claudette Ray, Terry and Bunchy don’t like her. That would make sense if Ray didn’t cheat on Abby all the time and Terry wasn’t moving to Ireland with a married woman. It also happened 30+ years ago. Let something go, you maniacs.
Now that Terry is really drunk he needs to talk business. Terry needs to sell the gym and move to Ireland to start a business with Francis. They need to move to Ireland because Francis hates Ray so much that she won’t be with Terry unless they leave the country.
Hey, Abby. Meet Stan. Long story short, he was molested by his scoutmaster and now he’s hanging with Bunchy. Stan keeps getting annoyed when Bunchy talks about dating Patty. When Mickey finds out that Stan is in SNAP he tells him a pedophile priest joke about acne and…you really have to hear Mick tell it. It’s all in the delivery. It’s not funny to Stan who then goes outside. Bunchy tries to apologize and Stan tries to kiss him. Bunchy pulls away and says he is not gay. So Stan tries to convince Bunchy that he might be gay because he needed a Viagra to be with Patty. This gay predator character is starting to feel a little homophobic. At least Ray gets a good laugh out of it and tells Bunchy not to worry. “Relax, it’s just a kiss.”
Cake time! Ray makes a sweet drunken toast. Everybody is having a nice time. Then Mickey gives his present to Conor, his Cadillac. Ouch, Daryll was just saying how much he loved that car and now it gets given to a 14-year-old kid.
Bridget is hiding away in her room texting Marvin. Ray comes in drunk and tells her that Marvin is dangerous. A good way to get your drunk dad to stop complaining about your boyfriend is to tell him that mom came home at two in the morning last night. He forgets all about what he was talking about. Oh great, Bridget. Now Ray is angry drunk when everybody else is having fun dancing together to P-Funk.
Time to make this party memorable. Ray tells Abby he’s on to her. Then he kicks out Mickey and starts yelling, “This is my house.” Once someone starts telling you who’s house it is, party’s over.
Ray doesn’t stop there. He tells Terry he’s not moving to Ireland or selling the gym. Why not? Mickey is happy to break the news to Terry that the gym exists to launder Ray’s cash. This whole time Terry thought he was a good business man. Nah, that gym doesn’t make money, silly. Ray owns up to the money laundering and then adds that Terry would be nothing if Ray hadn’t taken care of him. That’s enough. Terry and Francis are out of there. When Terry walks out the door he sees Daryll taking a baseball bat to Mick’s Caddy.
“This is my fucking car!” Daryll screams while he bashes it with a bat. This is awkward. Conor gives him back the keys saying he’s only 14 and doesn’t need the car. Looks like Daryll’s plan worked.
Ray walks back in the house and tells Abby, “Conor wanted the family. Conor got the family.” Abby calls up Jim and goes to meet him. Everybody’s drunk dialing. Ray calls Kate and tells her to come to LA so they can have sex. What are you thinking, Ray? You just got rid of that nosey reporter. Also, she is in Boston. You’ll probably be sobered up by the time she gets there.
Over at Ashley’s, Bob is back to watching and Steve is breaking stuff. It also looks like Ashley got punched in the face. She and Bob wave to each other. Now she’s just asking to have her car jerked off in.
Well, that party went to shit. How do you make up for it? Ray gives a Conor one of his watches and then they blast Run DMC and dance together. Best birthday ever!
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