‘Running Wild’ Recap: Ben Stiller Is a Terrible Mountaineer

Last week on Running Wild with Bear Grylls, Bear and Zac Efron basically became best friends and ran around the woods shirtless. I was only supposed to recap that one episode, but darnit watching Bear Grylls attempting to murder a celebrity with nature was so entertaining that I’m back for week two. While this episode was much less bro-y (not one shirtless ATV ride was had, sigh), it more than made up for it by having Ben Stiller uncomfortable, miserable, and generally having zero fun the entire time. Meanwhile, Bear laughs and pushes him off cliffs. This show.

Here are the absolute most pivotal moments of Bear Grylls and Ben Stiller’s trek through Scotland’s Isle of Skye.

  • The show starts with Bear forcing Ben to ride on the outside of a helicopter with him. No explanation is given for why the outside is more practical. Suddenly, beeps and alarms that would be worrisome should I ever be riding on the outside of a helicopter start to sound. Don’t worry, it’s just the ‘terrain alert,’ letting the pilot know that this vast wasteland of terrain contains terrain.
I assume pressing enter brings you to the TERROR PAGE.

I assume pressing enter brings you to the TERROR PAGE.

  • “It’s almost a cliché, great mountaineers coming climbing in Scotland and then dying.” Today I learned that Bear Grylls and I have a very different idea of what a cliche is.
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Bear is filled with fun Scotland facts this episode.

  • For the sake of meaningful conversation, Bear has to pretend he doesn’t know who Ben’s parents are. Either that, or living your life in the wild keeps you from ever seeing a rerun of Seinfeld or King of Queens.
"My parents were the camp owners in Heavy Weights you outdoor fuck"

“My parents were the camp owners in Heavy Weights, you outdoor fuck”

  • Due to lack of climbing equipment, Bear trusts a pair of antler horns wedged in a crevice to hold the weight of two grown men dangling over a cliff. “This right here is the perfect time to use the antler, because it is a commiting slab rock,” Bear explains. Today I learned Bear Grylls and I have a different idea of what the perfect time to use an antler is.
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At least I now know what the exact opposite of the word “safe” is.

  • Ben Stiller might be the comedian in this group, but probably the greatest moment of this episode comes when Bear flexes his pun skills. Ben lobs a softball at the survival expert, asking him about ferns. “They can save your life. You ever get in trouble, you just fern home,” Bear responds, absolutely NAILING IT. Somewhere, off in the distance, Bear’s trained pet chimpanzee gives him a rimshot.
They stood like this for twenty minutes.

Then they stood like this for 20 minutes.

  • As Ben and Bear repel down the side of a cliff, held only by a knot tied bytherecently-just-learned-how-to-tie-a-knot Ben Stiller, Bear says “Ben has never repelled before, soItry and make italittle bit fun.” Today I leaned thatBearGrylls and I have a very different definition of the word fun. Also thatBearGrylls is fucking crazy.

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    Pictured: “fun”

  • Bear Grylls spends an unreasonable amount of time talking about how delicious the water they found in a cave was. He even finds time to mock New York (“In New York City, that’s $20 a bottle”). Don’t turn me against you, Bear! Also, the look on Ben’s face immediately disproves all delicious cave water theories.
BS11

I’ll pay $20 to not die of Histoplasmosis. Look it up.

  • After spending the night in the Cave of Delicious Miracle Water,™ Bear and Ben have to scale back up that cliff they already scaled down. This proves troublesome for Ben, which proves troublesome for any hardcore fans of Tropic Thunder.

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Luckily for Ben, they were incredibly close to the top of the cliff when he said this.

lol no they weren't.

lol no they weren’t.

  • The duo’s final challenge was to leap off a cliff into the ocean, where their rendezvous plane was waiting to pick them up. And just like last week, Bear threw their bags off the cliff first. Note to self: never go camping with Bear Grylls, well, ever. But if the situation happens to arise, keep that crazy bastard away from your bag.
BS14

This is what brings joy to Bear Grylls’ life.

  • Thankfully, Bear and Ben eventually make it to the plane (not before slow-motion, cliff-jumping Ben Stiller makes an appearance, though). Bear has some nice words for Ben, praising his never-give-up spirit and whatnot. Ben meanwhile looks like he wouldn’t mind if Bear fell out of the sea plane and died a miserable death.
This week's Running Wild, summed up.

This week’s Running Wild, summed up.

If you missed the premiere’s abundance of biceps, abs and fist bumps, boy does NBC have some good news for you next week when the guest adventurer will be Channing Tatum. Previews show Channing doing a back flip off the side of a helicopter, otherwise known as a normal Monday night for Channing Tatum.