‘The Real Housewives of Melbourne,’ 1 x 4: Ski Bunnies and Sabertooth Tigers

When this week’s episode begins, Jackie and Andrea are at their respective houses preparing for a ski trip at Lydia’s mystical winter palace. Jackie has never skied in her life, but she’s excited to get to know Andrea on a more personal level. So far, she’s gotten the impression that Andrea’s quite “posh,” which is Australian for rich, conservative, and suuuuper lame.

True to form, Andrea — who also has little to no skiing experience — is trying on an expensive-looking dead animal to wear on the slopes, while her obedient servants family members look on.

Definitely practical.

Definitely practical.

The girls take off to meet Lydia at Thredbo, a ski resort in a portion of Australia that apparently contains snow. In the car, they talk about how excited they are, and how awesome it’ll be not to have non-psychic-believer Gina there.

"Stupid Gina and her stupid glitter and her stupid hair and her stupid beliefs!"

“Stupid Gina and her stupid glitter and her stupid hair and her stupid beliefs!”

When the women arrive, Lydia offers them champagne and takes them on a tour of the lavishly decorated house. “Andrea and I have known each other for a while, so it was really nice to have Jackie as our new friend.” Lydia says. Er, does this all of a sudden feel like an episode of The L Word to anyone?

"LOL but no seriously do you guys wanna see the bedroom?"

“LOL but no seriously do you guys wanna see the bedroom?”

Back in somewhere where it’s not snowing, Chyka and Gina arrive at the Hotel Windsor to help newly-divorced Janet get ready for her first date in 17 years. She’s 55, and is going out with a 35-year-old. Get it, girl.

I do the same thing before my boyfriend takes me out for dinner.

I, too, book a luxury hotel suite every time my boyfriend takes me out to dinner.

Gina, meanwhile, promises she isn’t going to bring up the drama that went down at Jackie’s housewarming party, because she doesn’t want to take the focus away from Janet — either that, or producers begged her to stop talking about the godforsaken psychic drama before all the show’s viewers stabbed forks in their eyeballs.

Back at the ranch snow palace, Lydia has an entire room devoted to storing designer skiwear. Psychic Jackie chooses an alarmingly bright orange jacket, because “orange represents power and peace and that’s what I am.” Andrea chooses a boring black Prada jacket because she’s literally the dullest.

We can't wait till she pairs that with last week's Native American headdress.

We can’t wait till she pairs that with last week’s Native American headdress.

After the dress-up party, the Thredbo ladies go out to dinner. Lydia wants to talk about the psychic drama that went down at the housewarming party, and SWEET JESUS WHEN CAN WE BE DONE WITH THIS PLOTLINE. Lydia throws the phrase “Chinese whispers” around a few more times, and everyone seems to agree that Gina was out of line for bringing drama to Jackie’s party.

Actually, everyone’s pretty mean to Gina — especially Andrea. Andrea makes fun of Gina’s drag queen-esque style, declaring that her favorite film must be Priscilla: Queen of the Desert. GOOD ONE, ANDREA. In case you weren’t aware yet, Andrea is easily the lamest housewife.

SETTLE, LADIES.

SETTLE, LADIES.

Meanwhile, it’s time for Janet to head out on her date. “My friends said we can’t call ourselves cougars anymore, because sometimes 30-year-old people are called cougars,” Janet tells the camera. “So we’re more like saber-tooth tigers.”

More than just a cougar.

More than just a cougar.

What kind of guy is into a saber-tooth tiger? This guy, apparently. Hey, Marty:

He seems to be really into her. It's cute.

He seems to be really into her. It’s cute.

As saber-tooth Janet gets wined and dined by Marty, Chyka and Gina spy on the couple from the bar. Remember when Theresa Giudice and Jacqueline Laurita did the same thing with Danielle Staub on the Real Housewives of New Jersey? Just me? Okay. Anyway, Chyka and Gina eventually reveal themselves to Janet, and Janet is surprisingly not mad or creeped out at all. We’ve got to hand it to the Melbourne housewives: they’re classy. If this were on American soil, somebody would’ve probably thrown a glass of wine — or maybe a leg.

Anyway, Janet and Marty have a great date, and she invites him up to her suite to “spread out.” They kiss over the table, and it looks a little stiff, tbh.

#BotoxProblems

#BotoxProblems

Back at Thredbo, it’s time to do some actual skiing — who woulda thought? Lydia hooks Jackie and Andrea up with an instructor because they suck so much. “Whoever falls over first has to pay for the Schnapps,” Andrea declares.

We guess we know who's paying for Schnapps.

We guess we know who’s paying for Schnapps.

“Jackie looked hot because she was wearing designer duds, but in terms of skiing she looked like a clown,” Andrea comments. WOW ANDREA, KEEP THE INGENIUS INSULTS COMIN’.

The morning after Janet’s date, Chyka and Gina show up at the hotel to check on her. Is Janet needy, or what? Anyway, Janet tells the ladies what she and Marty did when they got back to the hotel suite: “We came back here, we had the television going, we had the other television going… We did jump on the bed.” Sounds kinky. Janet’s into him, but says they’re going to keep an open relationship.

"I can't explain it, you guys, but TVs just turn me on."

“We had the television going, if you know what I mean.”

"I literally have no idea what you mean."

“I literally have no idea what you mean.”

You know what I crave after a long day of skiing? Shots. Andrea, who is basically a piece of toast, says she’s going to drink hers slowly, like red wine.

"Standby while I spend the next three hours consuming this shot."

“Standby while I spend the next three hours consuming this shot.”

The Thredbo girls call up the Windsor girls, who are having pedicures. Janet invites the women to her upcoming birthday party, which’ll take place at “gay night” at a bar called the Love Room. She promises drag queens will be in attendance. “Like Gina,” Jackie mutters.

Lydia and Jackie take Andrea to a Thredbo boutique, where they encourage her to try on some ~alternative~ clothes to help break her out of her shell.

Nope, still zzzzzzzz.

Nope, still zzzzzzzz.

Just when we thought we’d never have to hear about the psychic drama again… we do! At the hotel, Gina explains that she believes in Jackie’s powers, but fears she’s tapping into a bad source, whatever that means. Then she launches into a bizarre speech about that time she had cancer and told a demon to “get behind her.” So is that what Jackie was talking to when she thought she was talking to Gina’s grandmother? What even is this show?

Blah blah Jackie blah blah cancer blah blah demon.

Blah blah Jackie blah blah cancer blah blah demon.

Thankfully, the episode ends on a happy note: Jackie, Lydia and Andrea having one last bonding sesh in Thredbo. Tonight’s topic of conversation? What they’re doing to keep their kids from being materialistic. Andrea says each of her kids has had a World Vision child to look after since they were 2 or 3. She also makes her kids clean up the bird poop on their tennis courts. Sounds like a foolproof plan.

Anyway, Lydia declares they’re all a lot closer now. How nice.

BFFAEAE

~BFF 4EVA #Thredbo2014 #memories #bffs #funtimes~