Wow, True Blood sure got off to a really exciting start this week. There was a visually stunning black and white hue, ominous, building music, smoke, ravenous fans and oh this is just the preview for the Jay Z and Beyonce HBO special.
Unfortunately, after that, True Blood actually started and still nothing that interesting was happening.
Eric and Pam are questioning Sarah Newlin’s sister, Amber, and overall doing a pretty terrible job of it. Amber spills the beans on Sarah being the cure for Hep-V, which is pretty useful information. Not inerested in hearing any more useful information, Eric stakes the shit out of Amber.
Meanwhile, back in Bon Temps, Andy and Holly are on the hunt for
Frodo Wade and Adilyn, their children who happen to be fucking each other. While searching Fort Bellefleur, they search everywhere except for the tree house directly in the middle of Fort Bellefleur. Only after the brilliant detective move of calling the teenagers cell phones do they realize their kids were there at some point, but are gone now. The hunt continues.
Little do their parents know, Wade and Adilyn are actually being led through Violet’s polar bear-adorned house. Violet is sympathetic to the two young lovers/siblings plight. “When I was your age, I used to fuck my brother, too. A lot,” she says, quite reasonably. Personally, that phrase is usually when I stop believing someone has my best interests at heart, but to each their own, I suppose.
Helpful Violet leads Wade and Adilyn to her own personal sex dungeon, complete with sex hammocks and handcuffs and medieval wooden dildos. Standard stuff. For some reason Wade, a perfectly normal teenage boy, has no idea what dildos are used for. Isn’t Adilyn the one that is technically a year old? Come on Wade. Do your strap-on research before you decide to fuck your infant sister oh my God what did I just write?
Back at Bill’s house, Jessica is still crying blood. I bet Deborah Ann Wall was thrilled to recieve her final season scripts that each read “Jessica cries blood some more” every week. Sookie, on the other hand, refuses to believe their is no cure for Hep-V, and doesn’t understand Bill’s rapidly spreading disease. “Is it because I’m fae?” she asks. Yes, Sookie, it is probably because you’re fae. Newsflash, everything bad that happens is because you are fae.
Elsewhere. Arlene is cleaning up Bellefleur’s alone when Keith the Vampire Drummer shows up. He offers to walk her home, then transitions to intense vampire staring, then moves right on to against-her-will kissing. I guess consent to enter a house is the only thing vampires need permission for. Well, Arlene doesn’t seem to mind because before you know it they are having hot, freaky pool table sex. The reason it is so passionate and intense and doesn’t lead directly to anyone dying horribly is because it’s just one of them vampire blood sex dreams. Lame.
The Yokonomo Corporation has a new plan for Sarah Newlin that doesn’t involve killing her. Now they want to capture her, synthesize her Hep-V antidote blood, and distribute it under the name New Blood. I know this storyline has turned into one giant 80’s metaphor, but I don’t recall New Coke curing AIDS. Then again, I wasn’t around back then so what do I know. Anyway, Mr. Gus Jr. wants Eric to be the poster boy for New Blood, and for some reason this gives Eric leverage over him. As if there aren’t any other vampires out there who would be willing to be the spokesman for New Blood in exchange for millions of dollars and a cure for their Vampire Aids. Nope. Only Eric will work because boy is he handsome.
Sookie and Jessica are still really sad over Bill. “What are you going to do?” Jessica asks Sookie tearfully. “I’m going to hope for a miracle because I’m useless,” responds Sookie, basically.
SPEAKING OF USELESS the show transitions into another Bill Compton flashback. In this one, Bill is angry that he is being forced to pose for the cover of a Young-Adult romance novel.
Just kidding, he just looks like that because it’s 1855. And he’s all mad because he wants to marry for love, but his dying father is forcing him to marry that “comely” Shelby girl from next door. #1855probs, am I right?
Hoyt comes back to town to identify his dead mother, but first drops by Bellefleur’s for some breakfast. He brings his inexplicably hot new blonde girlfriend Bridget along with him. I guess the girls must have flocked to him once he lost all that weight and landed the lead role in Guardians of the Galaxy.
We cut back to the infant-sibling sex fest back at Violet’s house. Adilyn reads Wade’s mind and finds out he isn’t into all the dildos and nipple clamps that Violet provided. Ungrateful prude.
You know who isn’t a prude? Hoyt’s inexplicably hot new blonde girlfriend Bridget! She starts making floozy eyes at Jason the second he walks into the bar, and even invites him to eat breakfast with them. Hoyt, of course, had Jason glamoured right out of his head so he doesn’t remember that Jason already fucked one of his girlfriends. Over at the morgue, Jason and Hoyt have a tearful discussion of how Hoyt’s mother died. Which, quick reminder, was horribly. Jason leaves out some important details. like Maxine Fortenberry being a gun-wielding maniac, which was thoughtful. It’s the least he could do, I guess, before he totally steals another girlfriend from Hoyt.
In other news, that horrifying little doctor from Seasons 2 and 4 makes an appearance, immediately frightening me more than any other thing on this show. Which is insensitive I suppose, but if you want a kindhearted recap of True Blood head over to the place where they compare this mess of a show to the classic hallway fight scene from Oldboy. Yikes.
Back in Bill’s flashback, the True Blood writer’s room officially forgets that they only have three more episodes ever to have something interesting happen, and spends far too long on Bill courting his wife in 1855 while dressing like the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland.
In present day, Dr. Nightmare Fuel declares Bill a hopeless case. She then freaks out when Sookie mentions asking Niall Brigant for some advice. Remember Niall, Sookie’s faerie grandfather from last season that True Blood really wanted Gary Busey to play but could only afford a knock off version? Well Sookie does end up asking her long-dead grandfather for advice, and gets really, really unreasonably angry when he can’t cure Bill’s uncurable disease with magic. At least he teaches Sookie a valuable lesson about the miracle of childbirth. Or something.
Then, about 49 minutes into this episode, I think the producers realize “holy crap we filled this episode with useless, set up filler!” and speed-rounded through some plot points. I’ll run them down just as quickly as they did.
- Sam (AKA the Mayor of Crazy) is sad and conflicted over whether he can stand to stay in Bon Temps without the woman he knocked up but hasn’t really known for that long.
- Lettie Mae and Lafayette are digging holes in the front yard of Tara’s old house. This is terrifying to an onlooking little girl.
- Violet interrupts sibling sex hour and throws Wade into a wall. I don’t enjoy stating the obvious, but they probably should have seen that coming.
- Arlene tells Keith the Vampire Drummer they can’t have sex because she is Hep-V positive. Keith responds, “Just dance, it’ll be okay.” Or something along those lines.
- Sarah Newlin argues with her hallucination ex-boyfriends about how many people she has slept with. Then they tell her she is going to die. Special shout out to Governor Burrell’s decapitated head cameo.
- The cast of Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift show up at Sarah Newlin’s hiding spot with Eric and Pam in tow. Finally, something exciting is about to happen. JUST KIDDING because we cut away to…
Sookie getting to Bill’s house the only way she knows how — by running through the mist in a white dress. She gets to Bill’s house and finally the moment
they’ve been shoving down our throats we have been waiting for all season, Sookie and Bill kiss! They are in love again, apparently, because nothing turns Sookie on more than impending death. Then they have sex — gross, veiny Hep-V sex — and that’s it for this week.
Listen, I know I make a lot of snipes about this show quickly running out of time but, like, they seriously are now. Three more episodes. Unless they pull a Game of Thrones episode 9 move that focuses solely on Eric and Pam — the only characters moving in a productive, interesting forward narrative — then I’m going to start missing the days of the Maenad in season 2. And no one misses the Maenad from season 2.