‘True Blood’ Series Finale Recap: ‘Thank You’

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Just dooooo it already. (HBO)

I’ve been through a lot of show ending finales. And for the really memorable ones, negative or positive, I always remember where I was. I remember where I was sitting when the Sopranos faded to black. I remember who I was with when Jack Shephard closed his eyes on The Island for the last time. Recently, I remember my feelings when Ted Mosby presented Robin with the blue french horn, or when Walter White slowly bled out among the meth lab he had come to love.

So, the question is people…will you remember where you were when Sookie Stackhouse got knocked up by the faceless, bearded man?!

Where to even begin with you, True Blood finale. Watching the VERY appropriately titled “Thank You” was a little like watching a three-legged horse enter the Kentucky Derby. Like, you don’t expect it to do well at all. You expect it to sort of, maybe limp across the finish line because that is all it is capable of at this point. You can’t be mad. You can’t even be dissapointed. You just have to accept that maybe it’s time to retire it for good, because it’s just getting sad now.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves! We have to recap this thing, because unfortunately, my editors rejected my first draft of this piece. To be fair, it was only three letters long. Apparently “lol” doesn’t sum up this entire episode quite enough. So strap in, because ‘Thank You’ opens with what this season has been building the tension for ten episodes: a Sookie and Bill conversation, baby.

This conversation takes place in Sookie’s living room. “This room, this is where I first called on you,” Bill says. Please stop saying “called on you,” Mr. Compton. Sookie, in turn, responds by pronouncing the word nostalgic weirdly a bunch of times.

The conversation quickly turns heated. “How many times have you said no more vampires?” Bill asks. A billion. No, really. Go back and watch the entire series. Sookie says this one billion times.

“I’m afraid that you’ll drop dead any minute, and I’ll have no idea why you’re doing this,” Sookie says tearfully. To be fair, though, everyone has been saying that Bill could drop dead any minute for like four episodes. And despite the fact that he has SUPER ACCELERATED FAERIE HEP-V, he still looks a lot better than most of the vampires that we’ve seen with Hep-V. I think he’ll be able to at least last this very long-winded conversation.

It turns out Bill is so set on dying because he wants to be with his dead family, and he also wants Sookie to have her own family one day that will probably all die horribly because they live in Bon Temps. But forget about that possibility for a second.  “I’ve seen you around children. I’ve seen how you light up around them.” First of all, Bill, Sookie is constantly lighting up because that is the only stupid super power she has. Second, when the fuck did Bill ever hang out with Sookie and children? Jason doesn’t count!

“Why don’t you just break up with me?” Sookie asks. In a relationship that involves a faerie, a vampire, a love triangle with another vampire AND a werewolf, that momentarily got interrupted when one of the participants literally became a god, are we really still using phrases as simple as “breaking up?” Oh, but Bill can’t do that. Because he loves Sookie, and he wants her to kill him with her super faerie light ball that would also strip Sookie of her faerie-ness.

“What you are is extraordinary, but so is being human,” Bill reasons. Eh, I’ve seen a couple episodes. It’s alright. I wouldn’t say extraordinary. With the decision still up in the air, Bill leaves Sookie’s house. Probably to go watch some Being Human before he dies.

WOW, we haven’t even gotten to the opening credits yet. This one is going to be a doozy. Still with me?  Hey, it isn’t every day that True Blood comes to an end.

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“That conversation was so concerning,” Anna Paquin acting.

Elsewhere, the Yakuza are driving towards Sookie’s house in their souped-up car, listening to Generic Villain Rock Song #6 from the Generic Villain Rock Songs Collection.

Mr. Gus Jr. doesn’t tag along though, he’s back at Fangtasia. In the basement, however, Eric tells Pam to unchain Sarah Newlin. “Are you just winging it, or do you have a plan here?” Pam asks, and I can’t tell if she is talking to Eric or the writers of True Blood. Turns out at least Eric has a plan, and that is to kill Mr. Gus Jr. Because it turns out that Eric finally realized that the 12 Yakuza guys are human, and he is a vampire, and the only thing True Blood has kept consistent is that it is really easy for vampires to kill humans (unless the human sneaks up on the vampire in their sex dungeon, but that isn’t fair.)

When Mr. Gus Jr. realizes Eric has set Sarah free, he follows after her down the Fangtasia back tunnel. Pam is confused as to why Eric would let him go like that. Eric’s response is to grab a gas can. “Humans are slow,” he says. Well, DUHHH Eric. The humans have been slow this whole time. Even last week when it looked like you were super afraid they were going to kill Pam with their weird hanging stake contraption. Why the sudden change of attitude?

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“Hey I found my balls in this gasoline container.”

Oh, so when Eric said humans are slow he meant the human viewers of True Blood “won’t mind if we kill off this character that has been built up as the major villain of this season in about .6 seconds.” Because THAT”S WHAT HAPPENED. And god was it underwhelming. Unless you’re a fan of off-screen death. In which case, you absolutely loved the EPIC SHOWDOWN at Sookie’s house between the Yakuza and Eric. Remember last week when we all thought there was chance something cool might happen when the Yakuza find out where Sookie lives? Nope. They sent four guys. Eric kills those four guys. We don’t know how because we don’t see it. Also, he steals their car and drives off and it is about 1000x less satisfying than the last time that happened in a finale.

Pam tracks Sarah Newlin and finds her eating garbage in a carousel. My first thought is, vampires don’t control electricity. How did Pam turn on the carousel lights? She must know a guy. Anyway, Sarah Newlin asks Pam to turn her into a vampire, and for some horrifying seconds I thought True Blood would do it, because that’s True Blood logic. But Pam just drinks Sarah’s blood. Womp womp.

Jessica and her deep-voiced new boyfriend that looks a lot like Hoyt show up at Bill’s house. Although she still doesn’t want Bill to die, she does want him to know she is going to be okay. “I thought about it on the way here, and that’s what I would want to hear, from me, if I was you.” Are you sure he wouldn’t also want about 15 minutes worth of uninteresting dialogue? Better give him that too, just to be sure. Basically, Jessica is okay with Bill dying because she loves Hoyt and his weird accent and Hoyt loves her too even though he once almost killed her but the past is the past, am I right?

“I hate to be presumptuous, but as a dying man I guess I get to take certain liberties,” Bill says, right before they all have a passionate threesome in one of the strangest scenes in True Blood history.

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“Let’s do this.”

Just kidding. Bill just makes things awkward by asking if Hoyt plans on marrying Jessica. Hoyt, who you may remember recently almost threw Bridgette out a window for bringing up having kids, is all for it. But Jessica needs to talk to Bill because this finale needs another intimate conversation.

Jessica and Bill go upstairs and Bill has some lessons to teach Jess about True Love, but is quickly interrupted when he’s all, “Ouch my Hep-V.” And I’m sitting there like “Yes, Bill, yes explode already,” but he doesn’t. What does happen is Jessica just needs a hug. And Bill just wants to know Jessica will be “spoken for” after he does eventually explode (which at this pace looks like it’s never going to happen.) In conclusion, Jessica wants to marry Hoyt right that second. LOL WHAT?

Sookie sits in her kitchen, having a pleasant flashback to Teenage Tara and Teenage Sookie. And wow, an Emmy to whoever cast Teenage Tara because they nailed that. Teenage Sookie? Not so much.

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I demand more gap.

Teenage Tara and Teenage Whoever The Hell That’s Supposed To Be have a conversation about how boys are yucky, but Gran is having none of that and WE CAN NOT ONLY BE 20 MINUTES INTO THIS.

Sookie then shows up at Jason’s apartment to find Bridgette in Jason’s boxers and t-shirt. Bridgette is just astonished that Sookie would think she slept with Jason the night before. Again, I repeat, Sookie shows up to dind her in Jason’s apartment wearing his clothes. Jason gets a call from Hoyt, because Hoyt wants Jason to be his best man in the wedding that is happening right now. I’ll just leave this here.

So everyone actually gathers for this wedding as if it is a good idea. Bill asks Andy Bellefleur, who will be performing the service, if he will accept his house after he dies. He wants Andy to rent it to Hoyt and Jessica, for the sum of one dollar a month. “If for any reason they forget to pay, maybe you can look away,” Bill says. Fuck that, dude. If I’m letting someone stay in a house for literally one dollar, can they really not at least give me that dollar every month?

Wedding stuff, wedding stuff, wedding stuff. Hoyt and Jason are okay now, but Jason is still really bad at fixing ties. The writers show their penchant for lazy writing by having Hoyt and Jessica being like “we didn’t have time to write vows!” but really the writers room is not creative enough at this point to write anything that justifies this wedding happening. Also, during the ceremony Sookie can read Bill’s thoughts. Turns out, Bill even thinks boring-ly.

“The state of Louisiana, and the United States of America, may not recognize this union. But for my money, there ain’t a doubt in my mind that God does,” Andy says. You didn’t think True Blood  would go away without bludgeoning you over the head with one last heavy-handed gay rights analogy, did you?

Sookie convinces Jason it is okay to sleep with Bridgette. Her reasoning is she can read minds. Moving on.

Sookie goes to the church to have a long, long conversation with Reverend Daniels. Daniels is having trouble writing a sermon (bullshit, bro, you just don’t want to be home with Lettie Mae. Understandable.) Reverend Daniels apparently didn’t know Sookie was a faerie like everyone does, but convinces her she isn’t a mistake. Honestly, I hate to keep bringing up the writers of this show, but this whole conversation sounded like them trying to justify how horrible of a character Sookie Stackhouse became. Like they wanted to grab the viewers by the collar and be like “please, say we didn’t fuck up!” Sookie does help the reverend finish his sermon. “Tell them help is on its way,” she says. “Tell them it will all be over soon.”

Okay, I take it back. The writers are just openly mocking us now.

Sookie has made all the preparations, and meets Bill in the cemetery so that she can kill him with her light ball. But she can’t do it. Because as much as she loves Bill, she just loves being a glowing source of vampire lust even more. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t going to fulfill Bill’s desire to die. No, she is prepared to shove a crudely made wooden stake into his chest. Ah, love.

Sookie gets into the grave with Bill to stake him. She asks if Bill is sure for the 20th time in two minutes. She tells him she loves him for the trillionth time in two minutes. “I love you too,” Bill responds and oh my god if you’re going to do it just fucking do it.

Aaaand she does it. It is of my opinion, and also the opinion of the one other person in the Observer office that watches True Blood, that Bill gave off an obscene amount of blood after he exploded. Like, he filled that coffin up real nice. But because this is True Blood, that is probably because he was so filled with love.

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So much love.

Can I take a second to talk about this final scene between Sookie and Bill? Because Sookie doesn’t give up being a faerie, the entire thing is ruined! This whole thing was built up so that it was Bill sacrificing his life so that Sookie wouldn’t be attracted to the darkness of vampires anymore, and she could become human and live a normal life. She could have kids and not be constantly hunted by creatures of the night. But that isn’t what it is anymore, at all. Now this is Sookie being selfish, continuing on as vampire-chow long after Bill, her supposed love, is dead. Bill, meanwhile, just looks like a severely depressed person that Sookie helps to commit suicide. More like True Bummer, am I right?!

What I did like, however, is that this show ended on such an emotional high point. They didn’t cop out, or do anything too gimmicky like show whats going on about a year later…

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Oh, son of a bitch.

Okay, so Eric and Pam are now selling New Blood on an infomercial. I can deal with that. It’s funny (and sharp eyes might catch the cameo of Charlaine Harris, the author of the Sookie Stackhouse novels, literally sitting there and thinking “what the fuck have they done?”) And at least it’s not too much of a stretch…

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Jesus, True Blood.

So Pam and Eric are super succesful, we get it. Here are some other updates from three years after about a year after Bill dies. Pam is keeping Sarah Newlin in the basement of Fangtasia (a club, by the way, which Eric still presides over exactly like in Season One so glad he grew as a character), where she is charging $100,000 for Hep-V vampires to feed on Sarah. Sarah, for her part, is going insane and hallucinating that Steve Newlin is there tormenting her. Good times were had by all.

Back in Bon Temps, Jason has had a crap-ton of kids with Bridgette. Judging by the age of his daughter, she was conceived literally while Jason drove Bridgette to the airport. Sam and Nicole come back to visit, and their kid is alive and well (for now??? oh wait this is the finale.) Sookie is super pregnant, and the identity of the father is, um, a secret. He has a pretty sweet beard. But yes, die hard True Blood fans who spent hours speculating on Bill-or-Alcide-or-Eric-conclusions, here is a giant middle finger straight in your face from the people behind this show because “we are SO OVER THIS SHOW and don’t feel like telling you who Sookie ends up with.”

The final image we get is everyone in Bon Temps happily eating at a large dinner, and all is well.

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First, some stray observations about that shot. Who the hell are those two unlucky adults sitting at the kids’ table? Hey look, Willa is still around. Hello, Willa! Oh, looks like Wade and Adilyn are still together, but haven’t really aged at all in the last four years. Remember when Adilyn was aging like five years every day? And look at that, Lafayette and James are still together, too. Lafayette hasn’t noticed James is literally a block of wood yet. Good for him. And where the hell is Big John?! Actually, he is probably in the kitchen making everything for these ungrateful bastards.

And that is it. I can finally leave that cave the Observer had been keeping me in, forcing me against my will to recap True Blood. Wow, the sun is blinding. But thanks, True Blood. I’m not going to say I’m going to miss you when you’re gone (like every other recap is going to do), but you were definitely something.

And what am I going to watch in a state of constant frustration now?