Welcome back to our weekly recap of the longest show on television, Keeping Up With the Kardashians. This is actually only half the recap; we’re covering part one of the finale of part two of the ninth season. Or something. The second half will come in about four hours or so after we’ve finished the final episode.
This installment of the docuseries examining the trials and tribulations of raising children in the Valley opens with Kim Kardashian and her father figure, Bruce Jenner, eating brunch.
“It seems like yesterday I was just getting divorced and now we have weeks before the wedding,” Kim monotones. She might have said “proposed to” instead of “divorced.”
Bruce is excited to walk Kim down the aisle for the second or third time. Right now, she is wearing some ornate S&M shoes.
“Those shoes look like what my ass feels like when the hemorrhoids are acting up,” Mr. Jenner says. “Little dingleberries all over the place,” he adds, as a hundred thousand turkey-bacon-and-kale salads are puked up across the nation.
Next, Khloe is looking at a photo of Kim’s wedding dress.
“It’s like, so Princess Diana,” Khloe says.
And Kim flinches. Kim does not give a fuck. “Eh,” she says. “Princess Diana was not it.”
Khloe mentions Brody’s new girlfriend, Kaeitlynnn, and asks if she’ll be invited to the wedding. Kim says no. This is fair, honestly. She’s never met her, why should she invite her to the wedding? She could be an undercover news reporter trying to stalk the Kardashians or some other horrible genre of person. So no, she can’t come, case closed. Sadly, that is not the last we hear of this subplot.
There’s also a passing mention of Rob.
“A year ago, Rob said, ‘If you ever get married, I want to walk you down the aisle,” Kim says, apparently forgetting that a year ago, she’d already been married twice? It’s totally fine to get married a bunch of times, Kim. No one cares anymore; you were on the cover of Vogue for Pete’s sake. Quit it with the selective amnesia.
Next, Kendall and Kylie are at a meeting, laying eyes on their new young adult novel, Rebels: City of Indra, the first time.
“It’s so weird that we’re, like, holding a book,” Kendall says.
“So weird,” Kylie replies.
We cut to Khloe, who is rubbing her breasts and whining, “I just want to feel better,” apropos of nothing. She, Kris and Kourtney are planning Kim’s bridal shower. They are being cute. Kris shows some amazing #tbt’s from her own bridal shower:
Kourtney and Khloe coin a new catchphrase called, “buttery.” “It’s gonna be buttery!” But we won’t know whether or not the shower is buttery for another 45 minutes and about eight more insufferable promos for Rich Kids of Beverly Hills.
Next, Kendall and Kylie, who don’t seem to like Kim all that much, are in New York at the same time she is, so they all go watch Kim try on her wedding dress. Kim thinks it’s a really special moment.
“All she talks about is this dress,” Kendall gripes. “So.”
On the other side of this great nation, Kourtney tells Scott she’s pregnant and he flips out. It’s kind of crazy.
“You just keep suckering me into these kids,” he says. “I can’t handle all this responsibility.”
Kourtney manages to win the first phase of the argument, though, with her thesis statement: “It takes two to tango. What did you think was gonna happen?”
Next, we learn that Brody now fancies himself a DJ. He’s “playing” a “gig” at a “club.” He pretends he is going to let Bruce DJ.
“I’ll put Mozart on!” Bruce says. He is making some statements resembling jokes in this episode.
In a confessional, he ruminates over all of his rich children’s fake career paths.
“I love that my kids find all these things to do in life,” he says. “Like Brody, getting into the DJ world.”
It’s kind of sad; it reminds you that despite the money and privilege it has to kind of suck to be the child of a national sports hero, even if he does go on to have a ponytail made of old pipe cleaners. It’s just, how do you top that, you know? You could exploit your connections to become a lawyer or an accountant or something. But you could also star in a string of shitty reality shows and half-assedly DJ on TV. Let’s not pretend most of us wouldn’t choose the latter.
Anyway, Bruce says he likes Brody’s new girlfriend, Katelinnnn. KIM DOESN’T THOUGH, SO THERE.
Next, Kim, Bruce and Kris gather in the backyard around a magical flaming shrine (fire pit?) to “do a little negotiation in regards to [Bruce's] hairstyle,” Kim says. Finally, they are talking about the ponytail.
“I want him to look his best and from popular vote, I have heard that Bruce looks better without the ponytail,” Kim says in a confessional.
“Your idea of what looks good and my idea of what looks good are two totally different things,” Bruce tells Kim, who is seething like the gas-powered fire burns at her side. “Mine’s kind of Malibu good.”
“Mine is Paris chic,” Kim says.
“No,” Bruce says. “It’s kind of Beverly Hills.” Haha, zing, Bruce!
Kim informs him, irregardless, that her “number-one goal” is for him to cut his hair. Bruce protests that it’s taken him a year and a half to get to the length he has. Then, Kris cuts in.
“She has a certain vision of how she wants her wedding party to look,” she says, lounging in her rattan throne.
Bruce prevails by focusing on what is really important: family and not ponytails.
“I know I’ll make you happy because it’ll be a happy moment. I’m walking you down the aisle.”
Kim recognizes that Bruce has won this particular chess match and spits, “Totally.”
In the next scene, Khloe and Scott talk about things going in her butt and he breaks it to her that Kourtney is pregnant.
“Obviously, once in a blue moon, I sleep with your sister,” he says. “And on those random occasions, she gets pregnant every single time.”
Khloe is shocked that Kourtney didn’t tell her before Scott did, but she also feels bad for Kourtney because, um, she’s pregnant and the father of her unborn child is furious. Scott and Khloe tell each other they’re going to be fine.
Continuing with the comedic theme of “her own body parts,” Khloe opens the next scene by wondering aloud in Kourtney’s closet, “What do I wear? My vagina is so fucking big.”
Kim then moves on to the next subplot, Brody feeling left out. He’s upset because Kris is paying for Brandon and Leah to go to the wedding because “they have been the most supportive during the split.” It seems weird to reward emotional support with transatlantic flights, but hey, whatever.
“It’s not about the money,” Kim says (sure, tell that to Brody while he’s pretending to DJ in order to eke out a living). “We don’t want Bruce to be there by himself and she’s being painted as this villain. My mom gets painted as the villain and it’s not fair. Bruce needs to talk to his own son.”
Okay, that’s a fair point. Deal with your kids, Bruce! Use some of that Wheaties money to fly your one kid to your other kid’s wedding, jeez.
In the next scene, Khloe somehow divines that Kourtney is pregnant because she’s eating Nilla wafers and acting guilty. “I know ya, kid,” she says. “A little too well.” It’s fun when Khloe talks like Humphrey Bogart.
Apparently Kourtney doesn’t agree. She confronts Scott because she knows he told Khloe. This is the most emotionally fraught scene in the whole episode. Scott and Kourtney are so emotionally suppressed. They have the demeanors of two pots of quinoa (Scott’s white, Kourtney is red quinoa because she’s earthy) that are boiling at such a speedy clip, they’re about to spill over. But they don’t spill over because there is a very expensive Lecreuset lid covering each of them and they’d rather just speak in monotone to each other until the fight subsides.
“I think the most difficult person to deal with in my life that I’ve ever met is you,” Kourtney tells him, betraying absolutely no emotion. “Have you ever met someone more difficult to deal with in your life.”
“You’re up there,” Scott says. It’s actually painful. Then, Scott disappears for days.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen at Kris’s house, there’s even more passive aggression going on.
“Do you think the bride should be eating mashed potatoes?” Mommie Dearest asks Kim, who does not give a single fuck. “I’m just trying to save you from yourself. You’ll be thanking me in the morning.”
“I’m okay,” Kim says, then mutters something about a chocolate chip cookie.
The family starts talking about the wedding and Kim expresses some generalized anxiety about what would happen if some information about the wedding got out.
“What would it matter???” Scott asks. It’s true; what would it matter?
“Just so people have surprises,” Kim says, looking left and right guiltily.
Kim tries to regain the audience’s sympathy by taking Bruce aside to talk about how she’s not going to let Brody make her mom look like a villain. Bruce hilariously admits Brody “can get a little huffy at times.” Bruce still, however, does not offer to pay for Brody’s ticket to the wedding so everyone will shut up about it.
Then, Kourtney knows it’s time to tell her mom that she’s pregnant. She asks Kim to tell Kris for her. Kim bizarrely takes it upon herself to tell Kris that she, Kim Kardashian, is pregnant.
“Are you really pregnant? Bible?” says Kris, who is adorably glowing with grandmotherly pride.
“Hahahahaha no but Kourtney is,” Kim says.
Then there’s a scene change with Hollister store music and sweeping views of the cliffs and why does this show always make me want to move to California? It’s crazy. But anyway, here we are and it’s Kim’s surprise bridal shower!
Somehow, Kim showed up in a white dress even though the shower was a surprise. Isn’t it crazy how brides always manage to do that? Weird.
And she’s not the only one in white. Shower guests Ciara, Brittny Gastineau, Larsa Pippen and even Kris and Kourtney have taken it upon themselves to also wear white to Kim’s bridal shower.
I know white was big this spring. But wearing white to someone’s bridal shower is the sartorial equivalent of, I don’t know, telling your mom that you’re pregnant when it’s really your sister. It just makes everyone think you’re self-absorbed, if eccentric.
Basically the point is that there are no winners here (except Kim because she DGAF).
Oh also, Khloe is wearing a black boob-exposing corset to her sister’s bridal shower, whatever that means.
Kourtney’s amazing speech is, “I love you, Kim, you know how I feel and I’m not gonna cry.”
Kris’s speech, paraphrased: “Kim and Kanye have been obsessed with each other and hte fact that she’s going off to marry the love of her life, the journey she’s had and been on, and it’s such a joy.”
Then, Kim finally somewhat acknowledges that she’s been through this rigamarole twice before: “Thanks for going on this bumpy ride with me,” is the announcement yelled from her immobile face.
Next, Kourtney goes home and sees Scott hasn’t returned from an appearance in Mexico and he’s not responding to her calls. He then finally comes home and Kourtney tells him she was checking his room (his room!) all night, thinking he was dead. It’s sad. He seems to have realized that it was a dick move at least.
“I’m a bad person,” Scott says. Now let me just describe everything else that happens with them in the show because this subplot, while important for establishing pathos for the two characters, is incredibly boring: Kourtney thinks about sending Scott to rehab but they decide to go to the Hamptons instead.
Bruce goes to visit Partridge family duo Brandon and Leah. He asks if Brody has talked to them at all about Paris and they are just the worst liars ever. Brandon literally runs away and jumps into the ocean. Leah just seems like she’s definitely lying.
Kris ~hilariously~ puts her wetsuit on backwards, then goes stand-up paddleboarding. Go Kris Go.
Kim is complaining again about Brody. Everyone keeps asking her if they can bring a plus-one to her wedding, she says, which I’m sure is annoying. I can see both sides; it’s pretty rude to ask to bring a guest to someone’s wedding. If they only invited you, it’s not because it didn’t occur to them that you’d want to bring someone. It’s because they can’t or don’t want to pay for your guest.
But also, if you’re asking people to fly to another continent for your nuptials, they shouldn’t have to make that journey alone. Asking for a guest seems appropriate in that scenario. Still, if your wedding is the most anticipated wedding of the year worldwide, you can’t just let anyone in.
The bottom line, I’m pretty sure, is that Kris doesn’t feel like paying for Brody to come to the wedding because he’s whiney and annoying. Also, most rich people are cheap, you guys. How else do you think they got so rich?!
So yes, it’s a tricky problem that gets about 15 million minutes of screentime this week.
Kim then tries on some lingerie, looking amazing while discussing Kourtney’s third pregnancy with her. She really knows how to make people feel bad about themselves while making it look like an accident.
Bruce then creeps up on Brody’s house to finally hash out the whole wedding thing. Brody is wearing some kind of Damn Yankees Halloween costume.
“I’m not going, no,” Brody says. “I’m not losing sleep over it, I swear. I get this weekend off.”
Oh, really, Brody? I thought you were “DJing” that weekend and that’s why you couldn’t go. Okay, sure, whatever.
“You have Brandon and Leah,” he tells Bruce. “That’s all you care about… You call Brandon and Leah every day to make sure they’re going. This is the first I’ve ever seen you.”
That is pretty sad. At least Bruce admits that he didn’t handle the situation properly — the problem is that he admits it in a confessional instead of to his son. Ugh, dads.
We end the episode, 14 Bud Lite Lime-a-Rita commercials later, with Kim getting ready to leave for Paris.
“She’s going to marry the love of her life and it’s going to be perfect,” Kris exclaims.
“Please look for my necklace, it’s so important,” Kim yells while running out the door to get to Paris.
Next episode, Kris yells, “We’re in Paris, bitches!” and Kanye actually does stuff on camera. Stay tuned.