Keeping Up With ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’ 9×13: Kim’s Wedding, Finally

Who could she really be texting? (Screengrab via E! Online)

Who could she really be texting? (Screengrab via E! Online)

This episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians in entitled “Kim’s Journey to the Altar.” It would actually be a more appropriate title for the entire season. Or perhaps the entire series. Or just the last scene of this episode, which is literally a shot of Kim locomoting in the altar’s actual, physical direction.

That’s all we see of the wedding itself — a shot of Kim walking. But we do get to see some of the things that lead up to the wedding — sadly, these are only the most boring things. We don’t get to see things like Alexander Wang, Olivier Rousteing and Kendall Jenner frolicking in the rain at Versailles together. We only get to hear about those things (if they happened at all).

But hey, we watch and enjoy the episode anyway. And we retain our dignity while doing so by poo-pooing the promos for Total Divas that run during commercial breaks. We do have some standards.

This episode of KUWTK is allegedly made entirely from “footage shot by Kim and Kanye’s friends and family.” But it has the exact same look, feel and, dare we say it, mise-en-scene as every other episode. The only difference is that nobody is wearing a freaking microphone so the entire thing is subtitled.

Kim looks AMAZING in these confessionals. (Screengrab via E! Online)

Sidenote: Kim looks AMAZING in these confessionals. (Screengrab via E! Online)

Most of the hour centers around Kim and her sisters trying on dresses. The sisters’ first round of bridesmaid dresses are… prom-like. They are so not Kimye. They all match perfectly, which is pretty terrible. It seems like kind of a setup for the TV show, to be honest. Kanye would never allow plain, matching empire-waisted columns on the same altar as him.

Do you know what Kanye does allow? Maximum cleavage on Kris’s white mother-of-the-bride dress.

“I thought it was gonna be lower,” Kanye says of Kris’s gown. Kris concurs. Then Kim walks in and says bluntly, “She needs a bra.”

When Scott arrives in Gay Paree, he is in quite a sour mood because of the paparazzi. Tough life!

“I gotta get out of here,” he exclaims.

Jonathan Cheban materializes, wearing a shirt that says BOURGEOISIE. This is probably the nouveau-riche reality star equivalent of wearing a Misfits T-shirt to a Misfits show. Kim takes him to the Eiffel Tower.

Next, we watch Kim try her dress on in the Givenchy fitting room where, as she explains, “everyone from Audrey Hepburn” has tried on clothes before. Kendall looks bored as hellllll as Kim says in a voiceover, “This is an experience I really wanted to share with my family.”

Khloe decided not to come because “she was feeling really ugly.” Rob is also absent because he “had a little run-in with the paparazzi at the airport and at this point he just wants to hide in his room,” Kris says. Stars, they’re just like us.

We are also treated to some footage of North crawling around the Givenchy studio adorably. Kim is really cute with her.

Now, we’re in the back of an SUV and Kim is barking orders while dressed in that incredible beaded Balmain frock. The gals are heading out to Kim’s bachelorette party, but the words “bachelorette party” are never uttered because that is déclassé. Instead, it’s just a “little party” being thrown by jeweler to the stars Lorraine Schwartz. Casual.

The face of a girl who is lying to her sister about what she plans to do with her hair. (Screengrab via E! Online)

The face of a girl who is lying to her sister about what she plans to do with her hair. (Screengrab via E! Online)

Kylie has opted to dye her locks bright blue in preparation for her older sister’s classy European nuptials. Kim asks her what she plans to do about it on the day of the wedding. She says she’ll be covering it up with black spray paint or something. You can just tell she has absolutely no intention of doing that.

Kylie and Khloe then do some kind of comedy routine about Kendall not being allowed to speak because she’s embarrassing. It seems funny? They talk about how Kendall can wear whatever she wants because her body is perfect (they talk about this a lot). Khloe takes a look at Kendall’s shoulder-heavy jacket and pronounces, “You look like a manador.” Pun or verbal typo? The world may never know.

At the dinner, people share anecdotes about Kim and Kanye. Everyone talks about how “obsessed” Kanye has been with Kim for years.

“He genuinely has a love for you and I know in his heart what he’s so obsessed with, and it’s really who you are,” Joyce Bonelli, family friend/makeup artist, says. “You’re like legit awesome.”

Oh, I almost forgot: the “Awesome” song. Kanye wrote it for Kim. The episode is bookended by snippets of it. Here are the lyrics:

I gotta move. I gotta dance. I gotta live. I gotta love.

I gotta hope. I got a chance.

Baby, you’re awesome.

Don’t let nobody bring you down.

You’re so awesome.

You’re so out the park. You’re so after dark.

You’re so sleepless nights. Ooh, this feels so right.

Yeah. Sweet, but it’s no “Black Skinhead.”

Another party guest talks about how Kim and Kanye talked on the phone for eight hours the first time they ever spoke. Khloe says that one the night they met, Kanye “was staring at Kim like she was Cleopatra… He’d always say to me, ‘I know this is something your sister has to go through [the fake wedding?] but I’ll be there waiting.’ They’re two peas in a pod. They’re so obsessed with each other equally.”

Lorraine Schwartz, the most legit person in attendance, talks about how “Kanye actually want to marry Kim years ago.”

“He was madly in love with her,” she says. “He talked about her for an hour about how much this woman means to him and how much he loves her.” She also calls the couple “the most eloquent, elegant people I’ve met,” which, okay, sure.

Kim and her koterie then gamely pose for the paparazzi in front of the Eiffel Tower.

Bruce arrives the next day, and everyone rehearses in Kanye’s apartment. It lasts a really long time. They are clearly just trying to run out the clock here. It’s cute when the whole family sings the “dah-DAH-dah-dahhhhhh” wedding song while Kim pretends to walk down the aisle, I guess.

There’s also a funny moment where Kris catches Bruce in the act of having no dress socks.

“Did you bring dress socks?”

“Well…” Bruce looks down at his feet, which are probably encased in Tevas or Asics.

Kris mouths, “oh my GOD” at the camera. Bruce probably runs away to buy socks.

The new bridesmaids’ dresses arrive and there is a sequence revolving around Kendall’s “nips” that shows how comfortable and open this family really is. Her new dress is sheer and showgirl-esque. The family is debating whether or not they should, you know, cover her nipples for the wedding.

The Kardashians are all, “We like nips. Nips are cool.” Then Kanye swoops in and surprisingly is the voice of good taste, lobbying both for covered-up nips and a taming of the strongly vaginal slit that runs down the middle of Kendall’s dress.

“Everybody likes the slit but it’s distracting,” he reasons.

Then, something really cool happens and we don’t get to watch: everyone goes for brunch at Valentino’s mansion. We do get to see some slow-motion video of the family arriving at the mansion while an adult-contemporary version of “N***** in Paris” plays. We are also treated to some photos — but they were already on Instagram, guys. Still, everyone looked absolutely amazing. Kanye must have hand-picked every single family member’s outfit.

Then everyone is surprised with a trip to Florence, where the wedding will be. We don’t get to see the surprise happen, which leads me to believe it went horribly awry and something terrible happened. It would have to be really terrible to merit not being included on this carnival of horrors we call a TV show. Most likely, Rob had a meltdown (we later learn he’s not coming to the wedding).

Next, we learn about how much fun everyone had the night before at Versailles. There isn’t even a single photograph shown, but allegedly Kim and Kanye shut down Versailles and invited every important fashion person in the world to hang out there.

“Who shuts down Versailles?” Kim asks no one in particular. “They only shut it down once before.”

Khloe is way too hungover to even deal. “I’m coming,” she tells her mom at one point. “Shut the fuck up. Shut. The fuck. Up.” Rude. She will later get her makeup done while sleeping, which redeems her.

After they land in Florence, the family collectively decides they are over Paris.

“Eff France,” Kourtney postulates, looking around at the Florentine splendor. “It’s just, first of all, the food. And like, this just couldn’t be any prettier.”

Kendall bites a French fry and blinks.

Now, it’s time to get ready. Some trap music blasts in the background as the gowns are laid out.

It’s pretty dull, but the producers do manage to cook up approximately three plotlines, all of which include head adornments. For example, both Kylie and Bruce are highly disappointing Kim with their follicular choices. Kylie has failed to cover up her blue hair. In a surprise twist, though, Kim says in a confessional that she’s over it. Good job, Kim. Kim is actually the least dramatic person in the family most of the time.

Double surprise: Bruce’s ponytail is permitted to remain intact.

“Do you know how much drama I’ve been through over the last month with my hair?” Bruce kvetches. “Ponytail, no ponytail. The list goes on.”

Pretty sure the only thing on that list was “no ponytail,” but sure.

“It’s Kim’s day,” Bruce says, “so I let her pick the guy who’s gonna do a ponytail.”

Also known as a hairstylist. We are treated to shot of a man steaming Bruce’s pony into submission while the family patriarch squawks away in his chair.

“He looks like one of those guys from Marie Antoinette days,” Kris ventures.Totally.

Then, before the final commercial break, something happens with Kim’s veil; she’s nervous to wear it because it’s really long and could trip her. Dun dun dunnnn. Suspense. Commercial commercial commercial, and she ends up wearing it. Riveting stuff.

“It’s crazy, Kanye and I have been so close for so many years,” Kim says. “I finally feel like I’m marrying my best friend.” We watch Kim start walking down a dirt road that will presumably at some point turn into an aisle, and then it’s over. Well, congrats, you crazy kids, even though I’m mad at you for not showing us a single shot of something cool happening throughout this entire process.

Next, there’s a promo for Kourtney and Khloe Take the Hamptons. It is certainly chock full of dramz, if by dramz you mean suicide attempts and shitty rappers.

There’s quite a bit of French Montana, a fellow who seems like he breathes with his mouth open, chews loudly and snores a lot. I imagine he will not be a soothing presence in the world of the Kardashians. And Scott — Jesus, Scott. He apparently takes an entire bottle of pills and then Kourtney thinks about sending him to rehab. This show is approaching Degrassi-like levels of realness.

Also, Jonathan Cheban throws something, possibly his old Sidekick from 2004 that he “got before Lindsay, Nicky and Nicole“, at Kim in a huff. Should be a great season.