‘New Girl’ and ‘The Mindy Project’ Summarized by Someone Not Really Paying Attention

'The Mindy Project' and 'New Girl' are both things. (Fox)

‘The Mindy Project’ and ‘New Girl’ are both things. (Fox)

I honestly don’t understand why people need their comedies recapped for them. Comedies are about jokes, silly-billies, not plot or character arcs or obscure references to Robert W. Chambers. Comedies don’t get funnier when you explain what the jokes were. And I don’t appreciate having to pay that much attention to programs whose main focus is entertainment, not critical discussion. But since all of you were clamoring for it, here we go: The Mindy Project and New Girl, recapped, as best as I can remember from sitting in front of the TV last night but not really watching.

Jessica’s dad is that famous guy from When Harry Met Sally. You know, not Billy Crystal, the other one. That director. Ahhh. It will come to me in a second. He’s brought his new girlfriend, Sweet Dee, over to Jessica’s.

But first the cranky roommate with the cute nose has put the house’s coffee machine somewhere, in the bad zone. Or Zone 68. It makes Damon Wayans Jr. too scared to poop. He’s now got a turtle’s head.

On The Mindy Project, Mindy Lahiri has to see her ex, Dennis Reynolds, because she doesn’t understand how taxes work or is maybe taking some kind of Libertarian stance against the Grand Canyon. This show sometimes has a very conservative streak. Danny gives her a suitcase for her things like a toothbrush, but she is not happy with that arrangement because she wants to leave a toothbrush at his place. Also because it is inefficient to waste that much space in a suitcase with just a toothbrush. Just put it in your purse, lady. The British doctor is dating the Jewish bro doctor’s girlfriend* and they are not pleased with each other.

Rob Reiner! That’s who plays Jessica’s dad. That guy. Nailed it.

Sweet Dee is a sex addict and Jessica doesn’t like her mouth giardia. As well she shouldn’t: giardia is disgusting and it comes from poop.

Mindy goes on a date with her ex-boyfriend so that he’ll do her taxes for her. She tells him she broke up with Danny for cheating on her. Danny is in on it, sort of. But he’s not okay with the date thing so Mindy just lies and says she’s going to the gym. Dennis tells her that Danny is still married to the woman who designs clothes for Opening Ceremony. Now Mindy is really upset and also Danny is upset because Mindy never made it to the gym.

Have you guys ever played Cut the Rope? I just bought it in Apps for $2.99 and it seems like kind of a rip-off so far. What’s a good game for my iPhone. I’ve been playing Dots on the infinity level forever, and Candy Crush is very 2013 for me.

Neurotic, prancy Jewish guy (not to be confused with Bro-Jewish Doctor) on New Girl enlists the rest of his friends to go undercover in his sponge focus group. He works in marketing, I guess? Unclear. The one with cranky attitude messes it all up by hitting on a girl who hates sponges when he was supposed to pretend to like sponges. And now sir Prancy Pants is in trouble at his business factory, where he does a business.

Um…what else, what else, what else. Have you guys been listening to Night Vale? I just started and so far my favorite line is “Guns don’t kill people. It’s impossible to be killed by a gun. We are all invincible to bullets and it is a miracle.” Like whaaaa?

Oh, so Danny trades in his sports chair to have Dennis Reynolds help him with his divorce. Why did he do that? Danny loves sports! And he has money, he doesn’t need to give his chair away to his girlfriend’s ex. Plus why would you trust this guy to get you a good deal on your divorce? This guy hates you. He says he’s going to burn Danny’s chair because he is a fan of another sport or sports team.

Jessica tries to break up her dad and Sweet Dee because of Giardia but also because this woman is a sex addict and also because she doesn’t remember Jess from high school…the most insulting thing of all! She made out with Jess’s giant of a boyfriend, who gave her the Giardia, it turns out. Jess shows her dad Dee’s sext messages to another guy, but it turns out she’s a sex therapist and that is normal? Cranky man gets Prancy Pants in trouble, so now he has to fix it, but he doesn’t do a good job until Prancy figures out he could sell sponges to Cranky as being a tool for the modern man. Or something. Look at how dirty Cranky man is! He is never going to use that sponge. Also, earlier, there was a word association game and someone came up with “sponge cake,” which I’m now realizing I might never have tried before. What is a sponge cake? Is it just a regular cake? Or like a bunt cake? It’s really moist, right? Sponge cake is moist, like a sponge. That makes sense.

Jess finds out her dad was going to propose to Sweet Dee before she has sex with someone else. But it turns out she was just going to hang out in a room alone with her male Sex Addict Anonymous sponsor. Nothing weird about that at all. Sunshine and dollies. Does Jess still have bangs? Does CeCe have bangs? My mom would tell them to pull the hair out of their eyes so that they can see where they are walking, but I can tell you firsthand: bang-growing-out is hard work. You’re stuck using barrettes like a baby for months.

Mindy finds out that Danny is getting a divorce. Also, maybe she can keep a toothbrush at his place. The B-plot about the British doctor and the other guy also gets resolved, because Dr. Jew Bro MD called to deport British doctor and it didn’t work out and his ex seems like a really bad person because she shows up to the place where they both work and announces, in full view of her very recent ex, that she doesn’t want to “put a pin in it” with the British doctor. But she told Dr. Jew Bro that she did want to put a pin in it with him, earlier in the episode, and then said the pin situation had nothing to do with the British doctor. She is full of lies but her character is a single mom so I guess she’s not that bad.

Sweet Dee lets Rob Reiner sing her a song from the early aughts about “She’s so higgggh, high above me, she’s so lovely” and propose to her. I forget if she says yes or not. Probably yes, though, right?

Then Sweet Dee and Dennis probably go back home and hatch some scheme about how to best scam these unnaturally good-natured, perky people on Fox.

*This is not stereotyping on my part: I am Jewish myself and wouldn’t even describe them this way if they didn’t make at least one circumcision/bat-mitzvah joke each season, to remind us.

‘New Girl’ and ‘The Mindy Project’ Summarized by Someone Not Really Paying Attention