Sorry Garfield, I’ll address your issues with Mondays another week. Now that the news of Twin Peaks has literally changed the course of my life forever, I am announcing today’s spirit animal to be Waldo, the talking myna bird owned by the drug smuggler/kidnapper Jacques Renault. It’s taken into custody by Agent Dale Cooper and Sheriff Harry Truman, where it repeats key phrases integral to solving the murder of Laura Palmer.
It is literally the scariest bird ever, for the love of god. (SPOILERS, KIND OF, BELOW.)
Here’s what Waldo says before he gets clipped by truck driver/wife beater/general asshole Leo Johnson, who is worried that the bird is going to squawk about him and Renault getting into some rough sexy times with Laura and Ronette Pulaski.
“Laura? Laura? Don’t go there! Laura? Laura Hurting me! Hurting me! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Leo no! Leo no!”
Jesus christ, what a creepy bird. But like Waldo, we’ve spent decades parroting key phrases from Twin Peaks without ever knowing what they meant. Not because we were getting any closer to the truth, but because they were memorable.
“I’ve got good news! That gum you like is going to come back in style.”
“I feel like I know her, but sometimes my arms bend back.”
“I’ll catch you with my death bag.”
“The owls are not what they seem.”
“Do you know who I am? I am the arm, and I sound like this… (Indian whoop)”
“I am the muffin.”
“I’m a turkey in the corn. Gobble, gobble gobble.”
“Wow, Bob, Wow.”
“Bob, I want all my Garmonbozia” (Translates to: pain and sorrow, though it appears as an image of creamed corn.)
“I’ll see you in 25 years.” –Laura Palmer to Agent Dale Cooper in the pilot, while he’s dreaming of the Black Lodge. So now we know what that means…what about the rest? Johnson turned out to be a red herring, so is our collective Waldo still just reciting nonsense? Or is the meaning of these strange, enigmatic phrases finally going to be revealed?
Today, we are all Waldos.