Mom Reviews: TV Shows She’s Currently Watching

Happy Mother's Day! This counts as a gift!

Game of Thrones: Mom Deep Cuts
Mom: What is the name of the small gentleman I like on this show? I find him very arousing. Dinklage, yes. Sir Dinklage Bannister...see, I remember when you made me watch season 1.

Just so you know: If he dies, I will never watch this show again. So you need to tell me Right. Now.

Who is that, the man with the beard they're talking to now? Is that Dany?

Wait, which one is Dany again? Is Dany the king?

No? Who's Dany?

Is Dany the small man? A dragon? Does Dany have a mask on?

This show has too much going on. Can you just pause it for a second and tell me who's who again? And how they all know each other?
Breaking Bad: Mom Commentary
Mom: Oh, Walter was such a baaaaaaaaad guy. It makes me sick. You know that he never REALLY was doing it for the family, don't you sweetheart? Honey, I hope you are never in this position, but if something like this ever happens in your life I hope you'd come to me with it first, we'd figure something out.*

Don't try to be like the wife on that show, because no one likes her.

*Ha ha, what?
Mom on Why She Doesn't Like Mad Men.
Mom: Eh, never really spoke to me. Don Draper? He's a cold fish. Doesn't do it for me.

So he just gets to sleep with a whole slew of people, huh?

I can't pay attention to the this crap. That's not how my office worked back in the 70s, but I wasn't a receptionist. I did electrolysis. That's where you take a metal probe and insert it into individual hair follicles and you electrocute them.

I knew girls JUST like Peggy, though.
Mom Opines on Gotham:
Mom: Is Bruce Wayne always that Jewish? Does he get a BAT mitzvah?

Actually speaking of your bat-mitzvah photos, I have them right here...no, I'm looking at the screen, I'm paying attention. What, am I going to miss?
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Mom Gives the Girls Talk:
Mom: Those parents of hers. Oh, please tell me we weren't like that with you, right? Promise me we weren't like that.

It is funny, though...I mean, god she acts JUST like you do...did.

Do you know how lucky I am to have a daughter who will never, ever act that way again? Because she's too old now?

You know who I think is just so cute? Shoshanna, I LOVE Shoshanna.

...

So honey, are you trying to dress like Hannah on the show or just when I visit?
Mom has a story to tell you, unrelated to Louie:
Mom: It's very New York. I used to live near wherever that exterior shot is. Do you know how much money that house in Brooklyn would be worth now if I hadn't sold it? Regret of my life. I check Zillow ever day.
Mom tears into Hannibal.
Oh what's his name is just fantastic in it. I haven't caught up yet, please don't tell me what happens unless I ask you to.
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Mom has some theories on Francis and Claire on House of Cards:
Mom: See, I like Frank, but she's so COLD. Brrrr. No warmth, that one. You know, some men are attracted to that, but I'd have been happy if he'd stay with that cute little reporter. But then she got pushed in front of a train.

...

Didn't you mention that you hate doing journalism? Maybe you should write a book or a TV show.

How should I know what kind of TV show, whatever kind you like. Whatever kind doesn't end up with your head crushed under the F train.
Mom's got her American Horror Story: Covered:
Mom: *screams* No, I'm fine, I'm just *screaming, curls up in the fetal position on the couch*...tired.
Black Mirror is upsetting mom:
Mom: This is why I don't text! Technology is scary!

...

Do you and your father still text a lot?
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Mom Actually Loves Shark Tank:
Mom: Look, it's really simple. You'll like it if I explain...

Oh, well if you already KNOW what it's about, then i guess you don't need me to say anything.

...

"Oh no, don't take Cuban's offer!! Never sell more than 51 percent stake!

(Shakes head, cracks a pistachio with her teeth.)

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

You have to understand one thing: my mom has a very hard time not talking while the TV is on. This irritated me to no end as a teen (and adult). I’d have friends over to watch Werewolf in London and we’d all have to pretend she wasn’t just yelling spoilers at the screen. But even more humiliating is watching with horror as I start to do the exact same thing. And guess what? No one wants to pay attention to what I have to say either! Jokes on us!

So since this is Mother’s Day (well, on Sunday), I want everyone to know that sometimes I would occasionally, discreetly, listen to my mother’s version of a director’s commentary for a Law & Order episode or two. Here, I have compiled a list of my favorite outbursts from my mother during quality programming. And though these aren’t transcripts, they’ve been written to the best of my memory…well, and occasional imagination/exaggeration. But mostly memory.

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