Have a Problem? ClickHole Is Running an Advice Column Today Only

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Many advice columns have earned a bit of prestige. Hell, Dear Abby has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Now, an unexpected media company is giving the advice business a go, and while it may not join Dear Abby in the ranks, it does have the potential to be hilarious.

For today only, ClickHole will be offering live advice on Digg. This begins at noon, but users have already taken to the page to ask questions about everything from love and baby names to premature balding and duck-sized horses.

Many of the questions are jokey in nature, and we’re expecting they’ll get equally jokey tips in response. Here are a few examples, which we’ll update with ClickHole’s responses as soon as they begin doling out advice:

alex baldwin – “My cat looks like Vladimir Putin. I think she is a spy for for the Russian government. What should I do?”

Berry Blanton – “I’m on a train, but want to be on a boat. How do I do that?”

Notah Trewaway – “What should I invest in, multiple shares of a S&P 500 mutual fund or many fine bars of gold to hoard in my backyard bunker?”

Josh Petri – “I’m having a problem with my landlord. He refuses to deal with the small, but growing, population of network TV news anchors that have begun squatting in my apartment. It’s getting out of hand. They all do their hits live while standing behind my kitchen island. Tom Brokaw isn’t even bothering to wear pants anymore. Anderson Cooper’s incessant grunting during his ab routine is interrupting my sleep. Katie Couric keeps yelling, “Remember me?! I’m on Yahoo!” whenever there’s a lull in the conversation. How do I get them out?”

Brian Donohue – “Should I fight 100 duck-sized horses or 1 horse-sized duck?”

There are plenty of serious inquiries as well:

Ginger – “I’m pregnant with a girl and thinking of baby names — what are some good ones I should consider?”

CH – @Ginger “There are many names: Jessica, Brian, and Kate.”

Joe Tonelli – “I’ve always had a crippling fear of snakes, is there any way to overcome this (without having to go near an actual snake)?”

CH – @JoeToenails “Joe—your crippling fear of green, tube-like reptiles is fully understandable. They are fleshy pipes with eyes! The best, and only way to destroy your phobia, is to practice getting strangled by things. Start with a garden hose and then work your way up to a long fish. Soon, you will be able to look at photos of snakes without gagging!”

Dante Danger – “I dont know what to do with my career – i want to make a positive difference in the world but find myself in a job that pays well but doesnt motivate me, what do i do?”

CH -@dantedanger “Dante—careers are not just something you wake up and do each day, they are the thing that people will talk about at your funeral. Pick something that makes you happy, but also pick something that when you die, your children can dress up as you and take your place! Here are some examples: gravedigger, person who works at the deli meats counter.”

Jess Owens – “How can I get more followers on instagram (I’ve already started posting interesting pics to begin with)?”

won kim – “I grew up in the Midwest, and with that comes Midwest cordiality. I find myself on the NYC subway always willing to give up my seat for the elderly or pregnant. Maybe once or twice a week, I am confronted with the muddled question of “is she pregnant or is she not? What is the best way to ask a woman if she’s pregnant without coming off as insulting (though unintentional)?”

With others, it’s difficult to tell:

Jon Ferrer – “my cat makes too, much, noise. what should i do?”

CH – @jonnyheadphones “If your cat makes too much noise, talk to your doctor. Depending on your insurance, your doctor can either kill your cat or pop your eardrums.”

Noah Chestnut – “I’m working out of a new office and the toilet clogs way to easily. This is a start-up and HR or facilities don’t really exist. I’m tired of plunging and praying that I don’t flood the office with my feces. Advice?”

am9u – “What is the best way to let everyone else know that I’m better than them?”

Read ClickHole’s answers to other questions here.

Have a Problem? ClickHole Is Running an Advice Column Today Only