ANNOUNCEMENT: Wells From ‘The Bachelorette’ Did NOT Have a Threesome. I Repeat…

…Wells from The Bachelorette DID NOT HAVE A THREESOME

Oh, hi there.

Oh, hi there.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent the last 2 weeks thinking about the open mic in which JoJo forced her dates to tell a story from their sexual past. Evan used his time to imply that Chad used steroids, and Chad used his time to try to makeout with JoJo in front of all of the other guys, but I was only interested in one contestant: Wells.

Wells, spirit animal of Bonnaroo hipsters everywhere, told a story that wasn’t shown on air, presumably because it was too scandalous. BECAUSE it ended with the phrase: “and that was the worst threesome ever!”

While I was basking in the mental image of this adorable Brooklyn-stereotype-incarnate having a threesome, reality had to come along and ruin my good time. Turns out, his threesome story, cut from The Bachelorette but confirmed on his Instagram, involved getting a colonoscopy with a doctor and a nurse present. It was a joke, guys. And I have it on good authority that it was the fan favorite story of the night… Too bad JoJo didn’t think so (the group date rose went to Evan, lol).

Marry me, Wells. I’ll play doctor with you all night long.