Did you know a lot of stuff happened on The Challenge last night? Do you know I don’t want to talk about any of it? Do you know the reason why is because the greatest possible sloppy jalopy hookup occurred. It’s been about a day since Jess left and when we last saw Tony he was contemplating the next name on his hit list. Tony is like Snow White’s Huntsman in that it is impossible to know whether or not his hits have actually happened. For example, he told people he slept with Jessica (and crimped his Looms) but there wasn’t any evidence of either. He also said he didn’t hookup with Christina last season and there is video of him going into the bathroom with her and then audio of “pants unzipping sound.”
Ashley was hooking up with Jamie, and flipped out when she thought he made out with Nicole except Nicole didn’t come here to make out with a cop, that’s your man. Tony had his eye on Ashley because Tony has his eye on everyone, he’s basically slutty Sauron. And so Ashley and Tony end up in bed together. And they both claim nothing happened which means everything happened and also the night vision camera got a solid shot of “Tony’s underwear dropping sound.” The only thing I can compare Tony and Ashley hooking up to is the end of The Devil’s Advocate when Al Pacino is trying to convince Keanu Reeves to have sex with his half-devil half-sister so they can make an anti-christ baby and you’re like Keanu noooooooooo but also kind of interested to see what would actually happen even if it meant the literal end of the world because hey at least it wouldn’t be boring.
It was a good night all around for team Tony and Camila because Tony may or may not have smashed Smashley and then Camila ended up in bed with the newly returned Devin. Devin let us know that in his life he’s never wanted to be with someone and then not gotten to be with them, dude is basically vixen Veruca Salt. But Tony and Camila’s joy is shortlived. After a very long but extremely entertaining competition that saw more lead changes than the Fast and the Furious franchise, Tony and Camila are disqualified when Camila “accidentally” took last place Nate and Christina’s token and then threw it aside when she realized it wasn’t hers. Camila did not take kindly to being thrown in the jungle on a technicality and she started screaming at everyone including TJ. This is the first time I’ve ever seen TJ get yelled at and take it and be kind of sincere, like “I’m sorry sweatheart we have the tape, there’s nothing we can do.” Even CT yelled at TJ one time and TJ was still like “are you done yet dude, you lost, beat it.”
A little bit more about the competition just because it was so entertaining. It was a relay race that had different stations which were small iterations of Would You Rather?. They had to choose between eating cow brains or cow testicles, throw five rocks onto the top of a bin or lasso one in, carry a mattress or five tires, complete a puzzle of a house or a bridge, and then finally eat a full birthday cake or get into your birthday suit and finish the race naked. This was a great idea for a challenge. Everyone kept messing things up like KellyAnne thinking they could lasso a bin and going from first to last place. Or Vince and Jenna taking the wrong mattress and having to do it again taking them from second to eighth place. Christina and Nate “lost” their token, even though it was taken by Camila so they basically fizzled out. Everyone struggled eating the brains or balls except for Jamie who looked like he was calmly enjoying a relaxing picnic on a warm summer day. And of course, everybody picked getting naked to finish the race. Look, it’s no big deal. Most of these people have been naked on the show before. And clearly it’s a race, and it’s quicker to run naked in order to finish. But yo, how do you ever pass up the opportunity to eat an entire birthday cake? Some of these teams had such solid leads and after first place, which Johnny and Sarah had locked up from the jump, all you have to do is not come in last. I’m eating that damn cake and nobody is stopping me. Sometimes I stop at Carvel and get a personal cake just because I want to eat a full cake. I’d eat the cake and still run the last lap naked. Either way, I’m getting that cake.
Johnny and Sarah win and finally squash their completely made-up show beef. There’s no way I believe Johnny couldn’t understand why Sarah would eliminate him to win. Johnny has pulled this move on at least every one of his friends. I am always talking about The Challenge and the amount of people that bring up the Ghost of Paula Walnuts and how Johnny did her on The Island is longer than Tony’s next up hit list. I’m not buying it John Bananas and I’m not buying that you couldn’t imagine having dinner with Sarah without security there. I think if anyone is savvy enough to play out a storyline for the show it is Johnny. But so yeah, they’ve totally made up setting the scene for a full domination sweep of the rest of the show because legitimately no team left is as good at competitions or politics as these two. Might as well give them the money now and make the rest of the show about Tony and Ashley’s hookups with a sprinkle of Amanda fighting everything.
Johnny and Sarah put in Nany and Wes because Johnny hates Wes forever and Wes said that Johnny naked looked like a disgusting spoiled banana even though Wes naked looked like the Platonic ideal of the color white. Simone and Thomas also got thrown in because Thomas got into a fight with Vince during beerpong which is so on the nose Cyrano de Bergerac called and was like “chill.” Thomas called Vince a bitch and then Vince was like “say what again” and Thomas did and Vince chased him in a circle and kind of half belly-flopped onto him against a table. TJ called Vince out for it because there is an absolute zero-tolerance policy of violence on the show and so Vince received a warning because words mean whatever Tony wants them to like “we had sex” could have over a thousand different meanings, it’s like “snow” in Inuit. The other reason they couldn’t send Vince home is because Thomas got a phone call from home that his girlfriend was going to the hospital and so he and Simone quit. It wasn’t a “TJ I hate quitters quitting,” TJ was like “you’re doing the right thing” so it must be something pretty serious. But yeah, they can’t keep people on the show this season. They still went through the elimination ceremony but both Nany and Wes picked white skulls so everyone was safe. We’re six episodes in, there’s been two Jungles played out, two teams total evicted and one was brought back. And it doesn’t even matter, the show is as watchable as ever. Maybe get rid of the competitions altogether and just have it so that whoever doesn’t quit, get hurt, or in a fight wins all the money?