13 Parents Reveal What They Do When Their Kids Aren’t Around

'Wonder what the hell I was thinking when I decided to have kids... while pooping alone'

When the kid's away, the moms will play.

When the kid’s away, the moms will play.

Ask Reddit is generally the most unfiltered channel on its titular social network, where people reveal their darkest secrets—earlier this month a group of doctors hilariously exposed the weirdest issues patients tried to hide from them.

Well, last night it was Mom and Dad’s turn to vent, as the parents of Reddit revealed what they do when their kids aren’t around. Some answers were simple and benign, while others went into excruciating, kinky detail:

One of life’s simplest pleasures, sleep

Eat, drink and be merry

  • Eat Oreos…Kids are in bed. Nom nom nom.”
  • “OK, I call it ‘Mommy Time.’ I grab my bottle of wine, turn on my trashy shows that can’t be played when they are awake, grab the three laundry baskets of clothes I never folded that day and just drink and fold….yaaaas.”
  • Talk shit about them.”

Miss the kids (in different ways)

  • Wonder what the hell I was thinking when I decided to have kids… while pooping alone. Then eat a snack without a vulture trying to steal my food.”
  • I soak up the fucking silence. Holy shit, man. I love my child, but the sound of her voice, repeating a single word over and over for 5 solid minutes until she finds a new word to repeat?”
  • I have a 5 and a 3 year old. When they’re not around I like to blankly stare into the middle distance readying myself for their inevitable return.”

Go shopping in peace

  • Try on clothes in a dressing room without a wild creature trapped in the space with me trying to crawl under the partition and screeching like a pterodactyl.”
  • “Wife and I had a rare date night a few months ago. We had an early dinner out, with drinks afterwards, and were still done by 7:30. So we went on a Target run, naturally. There really is something to be said about shopping without kids.”

And, of course, have sex (in graphic detail)

  • Fuck their mom.”
  • Fuck. Real dirty. Real loud. Fucking nasty.”
  • Fuck (LOUDLY) Open the windows and enjoy a house that doesn’t smell like a fucking gym sock (we have a 15yo and a 17yo). No amount of candles or air freshener can prepare you for the stench of teenage boys. That Febreze commercial is accurate af – they have no clue how fucking bad they smell.”