‘Imagined Dialogue For’ is our series by the hilarious and talented Chris Scott, of Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen fame. Next up? Chris takes a stab at guessing what happens in Netflix’s newest nostalgia trip, Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life.
INT. KITCHEN. DAY.
LORELAI: What kind of weirdo brings a big box of saltines somewhere with them?
LUKE: Excuse me?
RORY: The gigantic box of crackers on the table that you brought.
LUKE: Um, I didn’t bring those. They must’ve already been here.
LORELAI [laughing]: Oh sure, we just imagined it then. We must’ve somehow not noticed all these saltines until just now. Whatever you say, Luke.
LUKE: I don’t know what to tell you guys but I didn’t bring the crackers here. Maybe someone else did.
RORY: Yeah yeah yeah, whatever. Just take them with you when you leave. I don’t even like saltines.
LUKE [sighing]: Okee dokee. Anything for the ol’ Gilmore Girls.
LUKE: I said sure, I’ll take the saltines with me even though I didn’t bring them in the first place. No biggie. Maybe I’ll make chili tonight or something.
LORELAI: No, what did you just call us?
LUKE: The… Gilmore Girls? Is that what you mean?
RORY: Since when in the living hell do you call us the “Gilmore Girls”? What on earth is wrong with you?
LUKE: No wait, that’s definitely a thing. Right? Everyone calls you the Gilmore Girls.
LORELAI: They most certainly do not. I don’t know where you picked this up but put it the hell away immediately.
LUKE: Ok, people in town definitely call you the Gilmore Girls. Like, everybody. Sometimes to your face. I’ve seen this happen many times. Why are you freaking out about this?
LORELAI: Seriously dude?
RORY: Honest to God Luke if someone ever called me a “Gilmore Girl” I’d split their skull open with a cast iron skillet. Like, I wouldn’t even think twice. I have half a mind to do that to you right now.
LUKE: You guys are really blowing this out of pro–
RORY: I think I’m going to throw up. Why are you doing this?
LORELAI: What if I called you the “Luke Lad”? Huh? You think you’d enjoy that? I seriously doubt it.
LUKE: I honestly wouldn’t care, if that’s what you really wanted to call me. If it made you happy. I’d be fine with it. Seriously guys I don’t see what the big–
RORY: What about Loser Luke? Maybe that’s what we should call you. “Look out everybody, here comes Loser Luke.”
[RORY RUNS TO KITCHEN SINK AND STARTS DRY HEAVING]
LUKE: Okay, now you’re just being needlessly cruel. I won’t call you the Gilmore Girls anymore, alright? Let’s everyone take a deep breath and–
LORELAI: Why don’t you take a deep step off a tall cliff and go straight to hell.
LUKE: Jesus, Lorelai.
RORY: Mom, why is Loser Luke still here?
LUKE: I’m sorry, ok?! I’ll never call you the Gilmore Girls ever again. I take it all back. Please, please just calm down.
RORY: Leave. Now.
LORELAI: Get out of our house, Loser Luke. Take your stupid hat and your goofy face and your dumb grin and your big-ass box of saltines we never asked for and get the hell out of our house.
LUKE: They’re not my goddamn saltines, Lorelai!! For the last time! I have NOTHING to do with them being here!
RORY: I have something to say. It’s a little insane and it probably won’t make any sense to you but I’ve thought about it a lot and I need to say it aloud so just bear with me.
LORELAI: Sure, Rory. What’s on your mind?
RORY: Ok, here goes: I hope an owl doesn’t fly through that window and land on this coffee table and look me in the eyes and say “You died ten years ago and this is all a fantasy.”
LORELAI: Wow. Okay.
RORY: It’s beyond unlikely that something like that would ever happen, I just wanted to say it to be certain it doesn’t.
LORELAI: I don’t think I follow you, Rory.
RORY: Alright, an owl flying into the living room to deliver me a message that I’ve actually been dead for the last decade is really unlikely. But it’s even more unlikely that it would happen right after I had just said I hoped it didn’t happen. The coincidence would be far too great. So I figured I would just say it, get it out of the way, and give myself a little peace of mind.
LORELAI: You know, that actually makes a weird kind of sense to me. Say the odds of a mystical owl of some kind showing up and informing you of your own death were, like, one in a billion. That would make the odds of an owl showing up and informing you of your own death after you had just articulated that very thing somewhere around one in a hundred trillion, which is basically impossible. It’s simple math. I swear you teach me something new every day, Rory.
RORY: Right, exactly. I figure it’s better to be safe than sorry about this kind of thing.
LORELAI: Not to switch gears too abruptly but how do you feel about stir fry for dinner? I’m pretty sure we have all the ingredients already.