‘The Real World: Bad Blood’ Episode 4: Let the Blood Bath Begin

Theo's divine tattoo.

Theo’s divine tattoo. MTV

There are three important things that happened in this week’s episode of The Real World that I feel like I would be doing a major disservice to my very dedicated following of loyal readers if I did not break down in depth here. I swore an oath on Puck’s messenger bike seat to deliver the goods and I take that very seriously.

1) Anika, who hasn’t gotten enough screen-time yet, got dressed-up for the night in a spiked-out “top” *insert extreme Elaine Benes voice* “but Sue-Ellen, it’s not a top it’s a bra.” When I say “spiked out” I literally mean it had metal spikes like it was inspired by Fury Road, which was inspired by the California Love video with Pac and Dre, which was inspired by that scene in Weird Science when they accidentally bring the road warriors to their party, which was inspired by The Road Warrior. It was a highly inspired outfit. Anika is from New York and knows about the good Bisquick pancakes in bed trick so she’s good forever in my book.

2)Theo and his bad blood, Kassius, both claim the weed that got Theo suspended and cost him his football scholarship wasn’t theirs. But someone put 12 grams in the Muscle Milk. Okay, if 12 Grams in the Muscle Milk isn’t a Jeezy song with a Jadakiss feature by the end of the week, then nothing else matters anymore. So Theo and Kassius say the weed was the other persons. Theo says it like “that wasn’t mine, I didn’t know it was there, I told them they could search my stuff and I passed a drug test.” Kassius says it like “you never let them search your stuff, I’d never even put weed in a Muscle Milk container because that’s so dumb.” And then Tyrie says it like “wait a minute, you got that all wrong, I didn’t have sex with Katie, Lysol had sex with Katie, I just filmed it.”  And then Katie is like “no Tyrie, you had sex with me, too.” And then Tyrie’s like “Correction. I did have sex with Katie.” And now we’re in the Mad Real World Chappelle skit.

Look, I don’t know who put the weed in the Muscle Milk. I really do want to know. I hope we find out. I hope someone is like “Correction. I did put the weed in the Muscle Milk.” And this mystery would be the biggest and best of the whole show. Except Theo is involved in a bigger mystery. The Mystery of the Dopest Tattoo I’ve Ever Seen. Over the years, there have been some tats on this show. Previously, Tony’s “Y NOT” tattoo, which is “Tony” backwards but also the answer to anyone asking Tony, “hey you want to do this sorta dumb, not such a great idea thing, Tony?” was the best tattoo on the show. Mike has a chest tattoo this year that looks like a person or a demon taking off another a human mask which I think is a reference to this Fugees song The Mask on The Score album. But Theo’s is a masterpiece. Like a literal masterpiece. Because Theo has the touching fingertip hands from The Creation of Adam under his clavicle like “take that birth of man.” Theo walked into a tattoo parlor and the guy was like “what can I give you, I’m really good at prayer hands and cheetahs looking like they scratched your leg so that it’s bleeding” and Theo laughs and is like “give me this Michelangelo, maybe you’ve heard of it before it’s called the Sistine Chapel” and all the tattoo guns in the shop turn on by themselves at the same time.

3) With seven new people moving into the house, this magical production team pulled another one of their best moves ever. They had hidden off a whole section of the house behind fake walls. Like aside from Jadakiss’s verse on 12 Grams in the Muscle Milk, my other all-time favorite of his is when he’s like “my bath tub lift up, my walls do a 360.” That is the actual house this year. One time before it was illegal I borrowed my friend’s Hulu password for a week and he was like “I could tell you were watching because there was 35 eps of Webster in my watch list.” And it was all because Webster’s house is full of secret passageways making it the best house ever to defeat burglars, which actually happened in TWO DIFFERENT WEBSTER EPISODES. So Production comes in when Robbie the happiest boy on the block takes everyone to the zoo and actually unscrews a couple of fake walls and there are pre-made beds just sitting there like some prop person came in and made a bedroom and put sheets and a blanket with hospital corners and then they Cask of Amontillado’d those beds in there Fortunado-style.

But the best part of the new roommates showing up is that they all walk in the house together while the original roommates are at the zoo watching Robbie feed the giraffes with his tongue, and immediately are like “whoa it smells terrible in here!” in unison. These are seven people that just spent over a full day in a Winnebago, shout out again to Road Rules, after a night of drinking and they think it stinks in the house. How bad does that house have to smell? Like if somehow they could do a Walking DeadThe Real World crossover ep, which would be a dream come true (and I think they even did a series of ads with zombies one season), and Glen and Maggie and Carl and Daryl all come tumbling out of Dale’s Winnebago after killing a bunch of walkers and scavenging for the winter and step into a regular house that happens to have seven young people living there and their first reaction is “wow it stinks in here” then it must really smell very badly in that house.

And those are the three things I want to talk about this week. As a little bonus, Peter split his pants working out and didn’t realize it. And it was like a major rip, like almost a whole shorts-pant leg down. Which was very good. Like this episode. And this show. All very good.

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