ELIZABETH: hey, could you please not smoke? I really hate the smell. Also, my dad is dying of lung cancer and so it’s a pretty sensitive issue.
PHILIP: [lounging on a golden sofa] do I have to give up EVERYTHING for you? UGH.
[Philip lights eight more cigarettes]
PHILIP: I don’t understand why we can’t live at Clarence House. I want Clarence House, the other palace that belongs to your family but the one I got to decorate
ELIZABETH: I like it too, but I’m the queen now and the monarch has to live at Buckingham Palace
PHILIP: but whyyyyyyyyy
ELIZABETH: be–because I’m the Queen
PHILIP: [mumbles] queen of being a poophead
[Returning from an extravagant global vacation]
SERVANT: excuse me, sir, you have to walk a few steps behind Her Majesty. The Crown takes precedence
PHILIP: uuuuuuuughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I hate this. everything is terrible.
PHILIP: be sure to tell the prime minister that we’re naming our kids, and our entire house and all of the kings forever after me
ELIZABETH: your last name is Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg…
PHILIP: not THAT one. Obviously not THAT one. Mountbatten. The fake name I just took, from my seedy uncle, when I came here to marry you
PHILIP: all of the kings forever. house of Mountbatten.
ELIZABETH: I think I’m probably going to go with Windsor, you know, which has been the name of my family since Queen Victoria.
PHILIP: I will literally never forgive you.
ELIZABETH: so at the coronation, you’re going to need to kneel to proclaim your loyalty to me, the Queen
PHILIP: what. what. what. no. fuck that. you’re my wife. no. what? I don’t get it
ELIZABETH: because, it’s my coronation. And I’m the Queen
PHILIP: [bitterly] what kind of family is this? What kind of marriage?
ELIZABETH: It’s—It’s a marriage to the Queen of England. you know this, Philip
PHILIP: can I be racist? I’m going to be a little racist.
ELIZABETH: please don’t
PHILIP: [is racist]
PHILIP: who’s that horse guy you’re always hanging around with?
ELIZABETH: Porchey? He’s the head of my stables, and one of my closest friends
PHILIP: I don’t like him. You’re always talking to him. You gave him your private phone number
ELIZABETH: I have so few friends, Philip. he’s like a member of the family. you don’t even like horses
PHILIP: I also don’t like my wife fucking random horse dudes
ELIZABETH: philip, you are the only person I’ve ever loved. can you say the same to me?
PHILIP: [rolls his eyes] whatever, MOM
ELIZABETH: you’re very mean to our son sometimes
PHILIP: yeah, I hate him and he doesn’t know how to fish
ELIZABETH: darling, he’s four years old
PHILIP: and a GIRL
PHILIP: our son is a PUSSY.
[To his toddler son] COME OVER HERE CHARLES LET ME BEAT THE SENSITIVE OUT OF YOU.
PHILIP: I want to fly a plane
PHILIP: a plane. Zoom zoom in the sky. I want to
ELIZABETH: okay, I can check with parliament. I’m sure I can arrange it
PHILIP: you better
PHILIP: zoom zoom in the sky
PHILIP: I want to feel USEFUL. I don’t feel USEFUL
ELIZABETH: actually, could you go to Australia and open the Olympic games—
PHILIP: why would you DO THIS TO ME? That’s PRIMO time I could spend beating the sensitive out of our son. no. I won’t go.
ELIZABETH: I actually really need you to g—
PHILIP: hope u like feeling alone because I just emotionally PEACED OUT have fun raising our pussy kid
ELIZABETH: why are you like this
PHILIP: [whispers] i wanna go zoom zoom in the sky