Imagined Dialogue For: ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them’

These two guys, having a chat.

These two guys, having a chat. Photo via Warner Brothers

‘Imagined Dialogue For’ is our new series by the hilarious and talented Chris Scott, of Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen fame. Next? Chris takes a stab at guessing what happens in Magical Beasts and Where to Find Them.

EXT. NIGHT. NEW YORK CITY.

TINA: And THAT’S where the beasts can be found!

NEWT: Oh, that’s great. That’s really… that’s good to know. Um, yeah, no, that’s good.

TINA: What’s wrong?

NEWT: No no, I’m glad you told me. I just thought it’d take awhile, I guess? Or there would be some sort of journey to get there. I didn’t think you’d just come out and tell me 5 minutes in.

TINA: Oh! Well you can just forget I ever said anything if you want.

NEWT: No, we can’t really put the toothpaste back in the tube on this one. It’s just like, there’s 2 hours of movie left and I don’t really know what to do.

TINA: Ohhhh gotcha. Gotcha. Yeah I’m sorry about that. I think I just got excited.

NEWT: Don’t worry about it. I’ll just explore the city for a bit or something.

/////////////////////////////////////////

EXT. DAY. CENTRAL PARK.

NEWT: Little boy! Would you like to see a magic trick?

BOY: Yes, under one condition.

NEWT: Sure, you got it.

BOY: You have to help me roll this tire up a hill for 15 minutes.

NEWT: You can’t just do it yourself?

BOY: No, my arms are frail and I am very small. If you agree to help me do this, I will permit you to show me some magic. It will take no longer than 15 minutes.

NEWT: This doesn’t seem like the best use of my time. Would it be possible to just —

BOY: Are you going to help me with the tire or not.

NEWT: Alright, whatever.

[15-minute long scene of Newt and young boy rolling a tire up a hill together in total silence.]

NEWT: Ok, I helped you. Time for the magic trick.

[Young boy pushes tire down the hill. It rolls off into the distance.]

NEWT: Why on earth would you do that. We spent an eternity pushing this thing.

BOY: Magic sucks.

/////////////////////////////////////////

INT. BODEGA.

NEWT: Do you have any bananas that aren’t bruised like these?

SHOP OWNER: I’m honestly not sure. These don’t really seem that bruised.

NEWT: They’re passable but before I bought one I thought it was worth asking if you have any that are in slightly better condition. Not the end of the world if not.

SHOP OWNER: Ok, let me check in the back. Do you have a few minutes?

NEWT: Unfortunately yes.

[Shop owner disappears to back of store. 5-minute-long shot of Newt waiting.]

SHOP OWNER: Alright, sorry for the wait. This one looks better.

NEWT: Oh dear, that’s an apple. I asked about bananas.

SHOP OWNER: Ah hell, you’re totally right. I’m so sorry about that. One of those days. Ok, let me check again. Hang tight.

NEWT: It’s really not a big–

SHOP OWNER: Won’t take more than a minute.

[10 minutes pass by.]

SHOP OWNER: We don’t have any bananas in back, sorry.

NEWT: That’s ok, I’ll just take one of the bruised ones.

/////////////////////////////////////////

INT. BARBER SHOP.

BARBER: Ok, what can we do for you today?

NEWT: It’s pretty shaggy right now. I like it a little longer on top, shorter on the sides. No fade in the back.

BARBER: Ok, so like a 4?

NEWT: I never know what these numbers mean when barbers say them, and I can never remember which one it is. 4 sounds… fine I guess. I don’t know, just, whatever you think looks best. I trust you.

BARBER: Alright we’ll just take a little bit off to begin with and you can see what you think.

NEWT: Would you like to see some magic while you work, perchance?

BARBER: I wouldn’t, no. It’s distracting. No disrespect.

NEWT: No, that’s fair.

[10-minute long scene of Newt getting a haircut.]

/////////////////////////////////////////

[45 minute scene of Newt waiting in line for tickets on Broadway before changing his mind and leaving.]

/////////////////////////////////////////

EXT. ALLEY. NIGHT.

NEWT: Oh look who it is.

BOY: Wow, small city.

NEWT: That sucked earlier, by the way. With the tire. If you didn’t want to see any magic, I would’ve understood. That’s all you had to say.

BOY: I’ll grant you it wasn’t the most mature thing I’ve ever done.

NEWT: You didn’t have to waste my time helping you push a stupid tire up a hill. I never did anything to you. I didn’t do anything to deserve that.

BOY: You’re right, you’re right. I thought it’d be funny. In retrospect, I regret it. I apologize. In fact, I’m glad I ran into you.

NEWT: Oh is that right?

BOY: Yes. I need help pushing this tire home to my parents’.

NEWT: Not a chance in hell, kid.

BOY: I’m serious. I’m truly sorry about earlier and I want to make it up to you. Help me push this tire to my house, and my mom will treat you to a fresh apple pie. The best in all New York.

NEWT: You promise you’re not lying to me?

BOY: I promise.

[25-minute scene of Newt and boy pushing tire through New York City.]

BOY: Ok, we’re here. Listen, there’s no pie.

NEWT: Will you please watch me do some magic.

BOY: No.

[40-minute scene of Newt sitting quietly on boy’s stoop.]

[CREDITS]

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