Imagined Dialogue For: ‘XXX: The Return of Xander Cage’

Imagined Dialogue For’ is our series by the hilarious and talented Chris Scott, of Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen fame. Next up? Chris takes a stab at guessing what happens in what is somehow NOT a Fast and the Furious sequel, XXX: The Return of Xander Cage

Vin Diesel as Xander Cage.

Vin Diesel as Xander Cage. Paramount Pictures

EXT. JUNGLE. DAY

XANDER: Ok, we don’t have much time. There are at least a dozen guards casing the compound. We have to take them all out before we can infiltrate it.

XXX AGENT: I’m ready. Let’s do this.

XANDER: One quick thing.

XXX AGENT: Sure, what’s up?

XANDER: If you find yourself trapped in a completely sealed, airtight room for a period of time and you’re running out of oxygen, check to see if there’s a big thing of bubble wrap somewhere in the room with you.

XXX AGENT: What?

XANDER: If you’re suffocating, you can pop all the bubblewrap and inhale the air inside. It would potentially buy you enough time until I can come rescue you.

XXX AGENT: That is… oddly specific and a little strange to think about.

XANDER: I don’t think it’s strange at all. In fact, it could even save your life.

XXX AGENT: Ok, it seems unlikely that this would happen but sure. If I’m suffocating and there’s bubble wrap, I’ll pop the bubble wrap, I guess.

XANDER: You guess or you will?

XXX AGENT: I will.

XANDER: Because I’m concerned that if you’re suffocating you’ll start to panic and forget to check.

XXX AGENT: I’ll check for the bubble wrap! Jesus. We have to get going now.

////////////////////////////

EXT. OUTSIDE VILLAIN’S MOUNTAIN LAIR. DAY

XANDER: Remember once we get inside we’ll only have three minutes to get out before the explosives are detonated. So we gotta move fast.

XXX AGENT: I’m ready, Xander. Let’s do this thing.

XANDER: And don’t forget. You’re trapped in a room that’s running out of oxygen, check for the bubble wrap.

XXX AGENT: You’re seriously still on this? I got it the first time. I didn’t forget, believe me.

XANDER: I just want to make absolutely sure you’re hearing me on this.

XXX AGENT: Xander, in the one in a trillion chance I’m not only locked in a room and about to suffocate but there’s also a chance there’s bubble wrap in there, I will search every square inch of the room for bubble wrap so I can pop the bubble wrap and breathe the air that’s inside it. And I’ll make sure I somehow do all of this within the three minutes you literally just told me we had until the whole place blows up and kills me anyway. You have my word.

XANDER: Hey, you don’t have to get an attitude about this. I’m just looking out for you.

XXX AGENT: I know, I know. It’s just — I feel like we’ve already spent too much time talking about this thing that will never ever happen in a million years. Can we please just complete the mission?

XANDER: Yes, let’s go.

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EXT. OUTSIDE ENEMY FORTRESS. DAY

XXX AGENT: There’s too many men. We’ll never get out alive.

XANDER: We can do this. Stay sharp, and keep close behind me.

XXX AGENT: Alright, I won’t let you down. Let’s go.

XANDER: Hang on.

XXX AGENT: What’s up?

XANDER: I want to hear you say it.

XXX AGENT: Xander. No.

XANDER: Just say it, and then we’ll roll out.

XXX AGENT: We’ve already been over this man. Please. We gotta move past it.

XANDER: We’re not going anywhere until you say it.

XXX AGENT: I have to tell you, I’m genuinely curious how much air you think is even in standard bubble wrap. Like when you imagine this scenario — which you’ve clearly thought a lot about — how much bubble wrap are you picturing?

XANDER: An industrial sized roll of bubble wrap, eight foot by sixty hundred foot, would have enough air in it to keep a person of your size alive for eight more minutes in a room completely evacuated of breathable oxygen. I did the math.

XXX AGENT: That is a whole level of unhinged obsessiveness I can’t even comprehend.

XANDER: Yeah well my, quote unquote, unhinged obsessiveness could very well save your life on one of these missions. And then we’ll see who’s laughing.

XXX AGENT: I’m not laughing, Xander. Like at this point I’m honestly concerned about your well-being that you’re so preoccupied with this bizarre and frankly, profoundly absurd scenario.

XANDER: Do you want to complete our mission or not?

XXX AGENT [SIGH]: If I’m trapped in a room alone and there’s —

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INT. ENEMY FORTRESS

[XANDER BREAKS DOWN DOOR]

XXX AGENT: Oh thank god, thank God you’re here. I thought I was a goner.

[XANDER RUSHES TO PICK SLOUCHED AGENT OFF OF FLOOR]

XANDER: You’re gonna be alright man. I got you.

[CAMERA PANS BEHIND AGENT TO REVEAL GIANT SHEET OF DEFLATED BUBBLE WRAP]

[CLOSE-UP OF XANDER AS A HUGE SMILE SPREADS ACROSS HIS FACE]

Imagined Dialogue For: ‘XXX: The Return of Xander Cage’