‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Recap 7×05: Mr. and Mrs. Nasty

Erika Girardi of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Erika Girardi of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Via Bravo

We’re probably all still grossed out by last week’s episode, when Dorit “Connecticut” Kemsley and her creepy husband PK became totally fixated on Erika Girardi’s genitals. Well, get used to that feeling, because Dorit and PK still aren’t done obsessing about this near-stranger’s private parts.

Erika and her “creative director”/choreographer Ricky are going through her gigantic closet in preparation for shooting her new video. Erika takes out the underwear Dorit bought her as a “joke” and tells Ricky about PK’s claim that he sat staring at Erika’s exposed vagina all night. To her credit, Erika doesn’t call him out as a complete liar. But both Erika and Ricky wonder why, if she did actually have a wardrobe malfunction, PK didn’t tell Dorit to let Erika know. Erika says her husband Tom would have done that, or most likely would have just kept his mouth shut and not turned it into a big thing after the fact. I have a feeling PK and his grasping wife absolutely live for turning nothing into something – especially if it makes them look somehow special (e.g. the lie that Boy George lives with them) or makes someone else look bad (e.g. fabricating a story about Erika sitting spread eagle when she was shown with her legs closed and a massive black napkin covering her entire upper legs). Erika says in her interview, “I’m not really buying it, in my soul. And I don’t really give a fuck.” Good for her. But as she tells Ricky of Dorit, “It’s that kind of girl that takes all the fun out of hanging out with women. It’s that kind of personality that ruins it for everybody else. It’s just wrong.”

Dorit is at home, doing what counts as her full-time job at this point: admiring her own reflection. She asks PK how she looks, saying, “I haven’t worn this dress since before I had the kid.” Yes, Dorit’s infant daughter does have a name, even if her gestational carrier doesn’t remember it. Phoenix is four months old and has been reared by a team of nine staff members since birth. This has given Dorit more than ample time to work out and get back into shape, so it’s anyone’s guess why Connecticut thinks she deserves praise for this. She asks PK if the dress is long enough and if she looks appropriate. PK replies, “I think compared to Erika Jayne it’s quite long.” He and Dorit laugh and Dorit says, “At least I have underwear on tonight.” Why are they so obsessed with Erika?! The Kemsleys are the two most disturbing people we have ever seen on this show – and that’s saying something.

Dorit ditches their kids with another nanny. “I just don’t want to leave our guests,” she says. Priorities! Connecticut claims she grew up “middle to upper class” and says, “I come from a long line of women that take a lot of pride in presenting and serving and hosting.” Dorit boasts that when it comes to entertaining, she “takes it to another level.” And by that she means her husband pays other people to do it for her. (Aside: The super-straight hair and Elvira-esque green dress she’s wearing in her interview do her no favors – unless “rode hard and put away wet” is the look Mrs. Kemsley was going for.) When Lisa Rinna arrives, Dorit complains that she already has a drink while Connecticut doesn’t. I guess that “long line of women that take a lot of pride in presenting and serving and hosting” never told Dorit that a hostess looks after guests first and herself second.

Outside, PK is discussing the JFK assassination with one of his stupid friends, who remarks that “It’s good for the have-nots to see how the haves live, huh?” Does this guy know PK was only a few years ago totally bankrupt and dependent on his ex-wife to pay his bills? PK leers at his newest wife through a doorway, purring at her, “Baby, I’m digging that view.” VOM. Connecticut poses and bends over for him, in front of their guests and cameras, like a common stripper. Instead of a rusty-looking car, PK should have bought his wife a scintilla of class for her 40th birthday.

“Having the right people at my party is super important – particularly in this town,” Dorit says in her interview. And by “the right people,” she means a guy whose last job was working as Paris Hilton’s publicist in the 2000s.

Dorit sits next to Rinna for dinner and tells her, “I only like people to enjoy themselves at my dinner parties, by the way.” You know, unlike most hostesses, who want people to have a terrible time at their dinner parties. PK asks Rinna if she’s self-analytical and ever asks herself if she has spoken out of turn. Oh, how I wish someone would ask him the same thing. Rinna says yes and recounts her apology to Lisa Vanderpump at Dorit’s party. “Why were you hard on her?” PK asks. This old man is way too interested in his wife’s acquaintances and their drama.

PK criticizes Rinna for not letting go of her dispute with LVP sooner. He says that when he lets go, he lets it go “immediately.” WHO CARES?! And why is this man inserting himself into this situation that has nothing to do with him? Who is he, Perez Hilton?

Rinna observes in her interview that PK seems to know an awful lot about her conflict with LVP – almost as if someone has filled him in. PK pushes her to tell him what her dispute with LVP was about, but she demurs. “If we talk about it, we keep it alive,” she says. Dude, you do not need to explain to this scrote why he’s not entitled to know your business. Rinna says there are more important things in life, and mentions losing her father. PK says, “Oh, I’m really sorry, Lisa.” That was the least sincere-sounding lie I have ever heard on this show – and, again, that is saying something.

PK then begins weaving a nonsensical theory. He says maybe Rinna losing her father “planted an emotion seed” and affected her relationship with LVP. Dorit does as she is paid to do and agrees with her husband. Rinna says no, that wasn’t the case, but PK insists he knows better. “This man is telling me how I’m feeling and how I’m acting,” Rinna says in her interview. “And it’s shutting me down.” PK urges Rinna to call LVP and tell her that losing her dad had an impact on how she acted. “Lisa, I think that’s massive. I think that’s a game-changer.” Nobody asked you, PK.

Rinna mentions that Eileen lost her mother two days before the reunion but she didn’t tell anyone so that she could deal with it privately. PK complains, as if it is any of his concern, “That’s not fair to other people, though.” Dorit exclaims, “No, it’s not! I agree with you 100 percent!” Nobody asked you, either, Connecticut. Rinna says in her interview how odd it is that PK and Dorit are dissecting how she and Eileen grieved for their parents. PK insists it was wrong of Eileen to keep her mother’s death a private matter to deal with as she wished. Rinna stands up to him and says no, everyone should have a choice in what they share and with whom. THIS SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE SAID.

Kyle Richards is home with daughter Sophia. Mauricio comes in and says he got a speeding ticket in the mail from Italy, where he and Sophia were driving over 100MPH a year earlier. He’s very proud, boasting, “Only a baller gets a speeding ticket in Italy in a Ferrari.” If by “baller” you mean “new money try-hard,” Moe.

Kyle is very proud of Mauricio and how he’s built The Agency. But she complains anyway, telling him she’d rather sacrifice some of the fruits of his labor in exchange for more time with him. “Maybe if we bought less stuff, you’d work less,” she says. “So stop buying stuff,” Mauricio tells her. Oh, snap!

Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle are in Kyle’s car. LVP asks Kyle whose husband she would “bonk” if she had to. LVP says she would go for Tom. Kyle says, “I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t find any of those people attractive like that in any way, shape or form.” Nothing rude about that! “We’re all shagging people we don’t want to sometimes,” says LVP. Kyle doesn’t know why she’d want to sleep with anyone else’s husband. “Why would I downgrade?” she asks – and she does have a point.

Kyle and LVP arrive at the cosmetic surgeon’s office to get some laser treatments. Kyle says in her interview, “I want to look my best – for myself, for my husband, for my children.” We thought she was being real until she mentioned the kids, right?

Rinna and Erika go to Eden Sassoon’s Pilates studio to work out. Eden is a small blonde with tattoos. Her dad was iconic hairdresser Vidal Sassoon, who invented the bob. The three of them put in a hard workout, during which Rinna says maybe she should her vagina tightened, then immediately says she doesn’t think she needs it. Eden says if she’s pushed out two kids, she needs it. Rinna laughs, and you can totally imagine someone like LVP taking that joke and turning it into an entire season’s furious storyline.

Eileen and Dorit meet at the beach to go for a walk. Dorit (predictably) starts bragging about the car PK gave her for her birthday. Only a cynic would wonder if it’s paid for, or if PK just paid for a one month lease. It’s too windy for a walk, as proven when Eileen’s dress billows up and Dorit says, “I’ve already seen one – are you trying to show me yours as well?” Yep, she’s talking about Erika – AGAIN. Dorit thanks Eileen profusely in her interview for wearing underwear. “I think I’ve seen enough hoo-has lately,” she cackles, pretending she saw Erika’s vulva. WEIRDO.

The two of them sit at a picnic table, discussing the escape room outing, and Eileen says she felt bad for Erika. “I think she felt blindsided, like everybody was in on the joke except for her.” Eileen says she saw Erika look around the room when she realized everybody knew about PK’s gawking claim but her. “She was embarrassed,” Eileen remarks. Dorit is dismissive – which will become the theme of this episode.

Eileen mentions to Dorit that Rinna told her about the dinner party conversation about the death of her mother. She wants to clear up any misconceptions Dorit and PK might have about how that affected her relationship with LVP. Dorit plays dumb, saying she doesn’t recall that conversation at all. “I don’t even really remember your name being mentioned that night, to be honest.” Dorit says in her interview that she’s not going to remember every conversation she has, “particularly when it didn’t really mean that much to us.” She is vile.

Eileen tries to jog Dorit’s memory, while Connecticut stares at her with a blank look on her face. Eileen explains that since Rinna mentioned the conversation to her, knowing they were going on the walk, it would have been weird if she hadn’t brought it up. Dorit says, “I think it’s weirder that you did bring it up.” But it’s not weird that you brought up Erika Girardi’s vagina as soon as you saw Eileen? Okay, perv. Dorit goes further with her act, claiming Rinna wasn’t even talking about Eileen at the dinner party. Eileen said Rinna is the one who told her about the conversation, and she was concerned enough to bring it up. “Does that make sense?” Dorit says no. Finally, somehow, Dorit is able to articulate what she thinks Eileen is saying, and asks, “Why didn’t you just say it?” She DID!

Rinna, Erika and Eden are at a post-workout lunch. Eden is one of Vidal Sassoon’s four kids. She had an older sister, Catya, who died of a drug overdose when she was 34. Catya did her first movie with Kim Richards, Robert Downey, Jr. and James Spader. They all partied together, and Eden says that was the start of some really messed up times for everyone. She seems quite sensitive and quiet, which makes me wonder why she’s doing this show.

Kyle brings lunch to Moe at work. Their daughter Sophia is an intern at The Agency, and Kyle’s oldest child Farrah works there, too. Kyle says they need more work/life balance. Moe retorts that when Kyle gets busy, she projects it onto him and makes him out to be the busy one. Kyle says marriage and family are their top priorities so they’re doing the best they can. She tells Moe he should just be happy she wants to be with him more. Mauricio laughs nervously. (Is this seriously their storyline this season? Lame.)

Camille Grammer is having the ladies over to her new house for lunch. Eileen is first to show up, with a giant white orchid. Dorit arrives with her bra strap showing – pure class, that one. When Erika gets there, she and Dorit greet each other nicely, but with obvious tension. Once they’re seated outside, Eileen mentions that Erika has a new video shoot coming up. Dorit asks what the video is for, then admits she is completely clueless about the process of how albums and videos are produced. “I do deal with Boy George on a daily basis,” she lies (again). Dorit says she doesn’t know much about Erika’s music, but gives a ton of snark in her interview: “I don’t know, maybe a hobby of hers, I guess?” Has Dorit really been sexing PK for money for so long that she forgot other women have careers? Eileen reminds everyone that Erika just had her 9th number one Billboard dance hit. Dorit makes a bitchy face, obviously unhappy to be reminded that she’s the only one there who has to go to bed with a tubby creep in order to pay for her Lucite stripper shoes.

In her interview, Connecticut remarks that Erika doesn’t seem like a performer when she’s not performing. How is that odd? Eileen says at lunch that she loves that Erika is having so much success at this stage of her life. Erika says it’s highly unusual and she’s fortunate. “Wow, why is it unusual?” Dorit asks. “Well, it’s unusual because you should be 20 years old and shown the door when you’re 25,” Erika responds. Is Dorit playing dumb again or is she actually this dense? She describes Erika as “a young girl.” Erika clarifies that she’s in her mid-40s and for the dance music industry, she’s definitely considered older. Dorit says she feels that in your 40s, you have a new sense of confidence. Erika laughs, “You’ve been 40 a week!” For once, Dorit seems to feel as small and foolish as she always should.

Eileen agrees that, when you’re older, “You care less and less about what other people think.” Erika adds that you’re “not so caught up in what other people doing. You’re making your own lane and your own life.” Unless you’re Dorit, in which case you have nothing going on except your relationships with the mirror and your revolting husband, so you focus relentlessly on what other people are doing – or make up stories about them.

Camille asks about the walk Dorit and Eileen went on at the beach. Dorit brings up their conversation and says she didn’t want to seem dismissive of Eileen (oh yes she did). Eileen recaps their exchange for everyone and says, “I wasn’t trying to be confrontational.” Dorit overreacts to this in a big way. Eileen says in her interview, “It seems to me that Dorit is trying to make me a problem. When I’m not trying to be a problem at all.” Erika states point-blank that Eileen and Rinna’s parents’ respective deaths had nothing to do with what went down between them and LVP. Dorit insists Erika is interpreting on behalf of Eileen. Erika says, “I’m speaking on my behalf, because I was there.” Dorit protests, and Eileen gently points out that this is why Erika was clarifying. Dorit snaps, “Let me just finish!” Eileen and everyone else is taken aback at what a vicious piece of work Dorit is.

“TO BE CONTINUED,” we are told. Is it too much to hope that it continues with Dorit getting kicked out of Camille’s house for being even more ill-mannered and nasty than Allison Dubois?

 

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