(Previously on “A Quick Word From…“)
I am a Kangaroo from Australia. I was put in a box, and now I’m in a castle garden. I don’t know anything. I am so confused. Please help me.
A strange, good-looking, robed man freed me from my box and put me in a terrifying maze of shrubbery. Apparently, this man is a “pope?” Based off what I have seen, a pope is a man who has a lot of time to walk along paths.
Is the fountain water good to drink? What exactly is this pope’s endgame here? Am I style over substance? Is there a certain area you’d like for me to use as a bathroom? Does God exist? Is someone cleaning up after me? Is this show good?
I guess my main question is why. Why am I here? Do I represent something to the pope? What do I have to do with anything? What is going on? Am I allowed to eat the beautifully manicured shrubs? If not, what do I eat? Has someone put a bowl out for me somewhere? Is the fountain water good to drink? What exactly is this pope’s endgame here? Am I style over substance? Is there a certain area you’d like for me to use as a bathroom? Does God exist? Is someone cleaning up after me? Is this show good?
I just wish I knew exactly what was expected of me. No one has filled me in on my purpose. Basically I just walk around until I scare soccer-playing nuns. Most days it feels like all I do is ruin nun intramurals. Sometimes I’ll run out there and give a header myself as if to say “put me in, nuns,” but they never want to play with me. No one does.
I spent the other night watching the pope watch people have sex. Is this ok? Again, no one has stopped me. I’m like Belle in Beauty and the Beast: I’m not technically being held captive, but like, where could I even go where people would believe the shit I’ve seen?
I kicked a priest yesterday. Straight up kicked him through a bush. No one noticed. He may still be there. I’m afraid to check.
Where I am from, there are plains as far as I can see, and plenty of room for Kangaroos to roam. Here, there are marble paths and stairs. Kangaroos have such long feet. This makes stairs very difficult. I have to sort of side-step my way up and down. I think the thing that bothers me the most about the Vatican garden is the stairs. Stairs and the general existential confusion.
I’ve started to make friends with the statues. They do not talk back or move. They are ok friends.
Is the fate of the entire Catholic church in whether or not I, a loose Kangaroo, jump for the pope or not? It can’t be, right? That seems too stupid to be true.
When I encounter the pope by himself, he tells me to jump. And it’s not like he asks politely. He demands I jump. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. I think when I do jump, it makes the pope think he’s God or something? Is the fate of the entire Catholic church in whether or not I, a loose Kangaroo, jump for the pope or not? It can’t be, right? That seems too stupid to be true.
The other night I was trying to sleep and suddenly LMFAO started blaring inside the Vatican. So I’m pretty sure there are no rules anymore. There’s almost no way the pope doesn’t ride me at some point. I’m probably going to have to fight a tiger. God Himself will appear and demand to be carried in my pouch. Whatever.
At some point somebody is going to have to let me know whether or not this is all a joke or not, because it is getting tedious fast. No amount of increasingly dumb hats will change that. In the meantime, I guess I’ll just keep walking around this garden.
God, if you’re up there, let me know if you need me to kill the pope. He’s young, but so am I.