‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Recap 7×15: Hong Kong Phooey

The cast of Real Housewives of Los Angeles. Bravo

The ladies are getting ready to accompany Lisa Vanderpump to Hong Kong for her dog advocacy documentary. Lisa herself is packing three bags for five days. Meanwhile, Erika Girardi has the help of her “creative director” Mikey and her glam squad, along with a bound, printed look-book created by a stylist. They’re creating six looks, and the boys will be coming to Hong Kong to make sure she looks perfect. That’s not at all excessive.

Lisa Rinna is showing her dog Lola what she’s packing, while cracking up laughing. It’s supposed to be funny but it’s kinda sad. She’s only going for a couple of days due to QVC commitments. How sad for everyone.

In the limo to the airport, LVP tells Dorit Kemsley she won’t need a sleeping pill for the flight if she gets stuck sitting next to Eileen Davidson. We also see that time-honored Real Housewives of every franchise tradition: the airport sidewalk outfit and luggage comparison. Erika is the only one wearing a sweatsuit so she can sleep comfortably. Video footage from the flight that not one of these women washed their faces before going to sleep. They didn’t even bother to use those nasty face wipes. It’s a 15 hour flight, perfect for a hydrating skincare routine, and they spent all of it caked in full TV makeup. I’m triggered.

Landing in Hong Kong, they go to their gigantic hotel with 100+ foot ceilings. LVP got the Presidential Suite, which she refers to as “cute.” When you live in a house as grand and perfect as Villa Rosa, you can get away with that.

Erika’s glam squad styled her hair in a 1950s pinup style, and she’s wearing a sexy slip and satin robe for drinks in the hotel bar. Dorit and LVP are already there, and Dorit is excited Erika sits next to her. “Lucky me!” she exclaims, not at all sarcastically. Erika says, “You’re starting in on me already?” No, she was being friendly, Erika. Jeez Louise. Dorit says in her interview that the nicer she is and the harder she tries, the more guarded Erika is. Well, that should tell you something. Start negging her, Dorit.

Once everyone is at the table, Eden asks Erika if she wears this sexy nightgown look to bed. Erika replies, “Are you insane? No.” Eden admits she has a boner for Erika. But she’s bringing the London guy she met online – but hasn’t yet met – to New York. She’s treating him to a free trip and everyone is aghast – as they should be. Beware of a freeloading man, Eden! Worse, Eden is only booking one hotel room for her and the stranger, and she plans to be waiting for him in bed, half-naked. Everyone freaks, but I think Eden likes that they care what happens to her. 

LVP is going to do her documentary filming the next day. She says anyone is welcome to come but all the dog torture footage is going to be depressing so nobody should feel obligated. Kyle and Erika are going sightseeing, Rinna and Eden are going to a mountain. Dorit is going to go with LVP, who can’t even talk about her year of work on Chinese dog advocacy without getting emotional. 

In the morning, hanging to in Rinna’s hotel room, Rinna tells Dorit that she’s “heard” that Dorit has been suggesting to people that she has a pill problem. Dorit seems taken aback. She says she’s sure if she discussed Rinna’s big bag of pills and Xanax smoothie confession with anyone, she described it as “the funniest moment. I never insinuated you were a drug addict.” Dorit asks who told her this. Rinna says she doesn’t want to say, but it pertains to a dinner conversation in Punta Mita before she arrived. Dorit again says she should tell her so she can confront them. Rinna suddenly changes her story and says “It’s something I got an idea of myself…Nobody told me. It’s a sense that I’m getting.” She claims she has a “sixth sense.” Dorit asks why she hasn’t said anything to her since Mexico if this was on her mind. Rinna claims it’s something that’s just coming to her “plus I haven’t seen you.” Not true, and Dorit tells her so. Rinna says she should think about who was at that dinner and go to them and ask “if any conversation was done” (???) that portrayed her as someone with a drug problem. I don’t know if Lisa Rinna is a pill head, but she sure has a problem speaking her native language.

Kyle comes into LVP’s suite and Lisa is worrying that she won’t be able to do the documentary filming without falling apart emotionally. “Who even knew you knew how to cry?” Kyle says. In her interview, Kyle says it’s kind of nice to see LVP’s walls come down a bit. Eileen calls the room and says she would like to come along with LVP and Dorit, but adds that she doesn’t want to make her uncomfortable since it’s such a personal experience. Lisa tells her she appreciates that and tells her to come. “Have fun shopping while we’re doing something that matters,” Eileen jokes to Kyle. “I am holding down the fort in Chanel, Eileen. Don’t judge,” Kyle laughs. With any other women, that three second exchange would have been blown up into a five episode story arc. LVP says she’s surprised Eileen wants to come. “I told you, she’s nice,” Kyle replies. 

Kyle and Erika go for a walk in the park. They run under a fountain to get a picture taken. Who would mess up their hair and makeup like that? They sit on a bench to talk and still look perfect, so the fountain shot must have been shown out of sequence. 

Erika tells Kyle about going home to Georgia and how her mom apologized to her for being hard on her growing up. She says she finds her mom heartbreaking in a way, because her dreams went unfulfilled and so of course she tries to live vicariously through her daughter. Kyle says her mom did the same thing to her. They’re both tearful. Kyle says a psychic told her ,”Your mom is here and she wants you to know that you’re not responsible for your sister Kim.” And he also told her, “Your mom said thank you for being a better mom than she was.” Kyle is sniffing and crying over the idea of her mom acknowledging that she made mistakes as a mother. 

Erika says the way her mom treated her definitely influenced how she holds other women at arm’s length. “It’s a hard thing for me to trust. Because I’m so waiting for someone to disappoint me, for someone to critique me.” In her interview, Erika says, “Do I have a wall up? I have my eyes open.” And you have a wall up. It’s fine, but denying it is like saying you’re naturally platinum blonde and were born with that nose. We can all see reality. 

At a mountaintop restaurant, Rinna tells Eden about her “sixth sense” that Dorit is telling people she has a drug problem. Eden suddenly remembers that Dorit asked her if Rinna “had a pill problem,” Eden claims.. That’s not quite accurate, as the playback reveals. When Eden expressed frustration that Rinna claimed she “didn’t remember” talking trash about Kim Richards, Dorit asked her, “Do you feel that it’s induced in any way?” It was an innocent enough question, and if anything would have been giving Rinna a pass for being so monstrous about Kim. Rinna is out of her mind, saying she thinks Dorit has been discussing this with everyone but her. Delusions of relevance, party of one! Rinna says something really egregiously obscene – and not even funny – about Dorit. I’m sparing you how embarrassingly lame it was, trust me.

Erika’s glam squad of Mikey, Preston and Clyde are working on her look for a boat outing with the ladies. I find Mikey’s lip fillers so distracting every time he’s on camera. He’s like 28 and looks like he’s already had an eye lift, too. Erika ends up wearing what appear to be silk pajamas, and it’s the first thing she’s ever worn that I really, really don’t like. She looks expensive but sloppy in such a baggy fit. Good to know she only looks perfect 99 percent of the time.

On the boat, Dorit lays out what Rinna came to her with, and asks who in the group is spreading the lie that she alluded to her having a drug problem. Rinna says “nobody here told me” and again lies that she just sensed it. Dorit calls BS. Eileen asks Kyle if the subject came up in Mexico and Kyle says she doesn’t remember their dinner conversation at all. Dorit reminds everyone that they “were having a rip-roaring laugh” that night, not a serious conversation. Rinna simultaneously claims to be “surprised” Dorit supposedly said she’s a substance abuser, yet also claims she “had a sixth sense” about it. Dorit again calls BS. “Which is it?” she asks. Rinna invites Eden to join the conversation.

Eden says her conversation with Rinna reminded her that Dorit had asked her “if Rinna had a problem with pills.” Dorit says she doesn’t remember that. That’s because that’s not what was said, though it’s easy to see Eden is mis-remembering rather than making up stories out of whole cloth. LVP points out in her interview that Rinna is being paranoid, and that paranoia can be caused by “a load of pills.” Rinna tells Dorit to “just be honest” and Dorit says she is. We know she is, which makes this infuriating to watch. The injustice of it all! Dorit should start a GoFundMe for her defense or something.

In her interview, Rinna admits she lied about having a “sixth sense.” Yeah, everyone who’s familiar with you realized that. She says it doesn’t matter how she found out about this non-existent allegation. On the boat, Kyle says she remembers the funny smoothie story but assumed it was all a joke. “It wasn’t how Lisa Rinna is saying right now at ALL,” she adds in her interview. 

Erika, for some reason, pipes up. She says Dorit implied that maybe the reason Rinna acts the way she does is because of all the pills she must be taking. “Did I say that Erika?” Dorit asks. She has nothing to hide, and she knows it. Erika says she doesn’t remember her saying that, but says Dorit “kind of alluded to it.” Erika says there was no reason for Dorit to bring it up other than to imply Rinna has a problem, because they had been talking about Rinna’s behavior. LVP says, “I don’t remember that being the focus of the conversation.” Dorit is asking Erika if she’s certain that’s what she said. And here, only a transcript will do:

Erika: Let me finish. You talk a lot, Dorit. We were talking about why —

Dorit: You don’t talk enough.

Erika: I say important shit. You say too much boring shit. Dorit, what is your issue with me?

Dorit: What is YOUR issue with ME?!

Erika: I have no issue with you. I have been nothing but —

Dorit: Are you sure?

Erika: Yeah, I promise.

Dorit: You’re the only one in this group that I haven’t somehow managed to connect with. 

Erika: Because I don’t like bullshit, Dorit, and that’s what I think you are. 

Well, that was classy. 

‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Recap 7×15: Hong Kong Phooey