Of course there don’t need to be any more articles written about Hamilton. Over the past 18 months it has fully established its place in the cultural fabric. It won its bounty of Tony’s, sprouted regional and international productions, and springboard-ed its original cast into comfortable cable television and Broadway stardom. Its legacy is secure (sure.)
But I’m still listening to Hamilton, like, all the time. And I have pet peeves.
I say now, before I begin, that I am fully on board the Hamilton train and have been on board from the start. No performative contrarianism for me. I listened to (and continue to listen to) the cast recording on repeat and I cry every single time Eliza sings, “the orphanaaaage.” I full on stan for Lin-Manuel. I cried twice in Moana.
And yet, as with any loved one, there are those tiny little habits that drive you absolutely nuts. Consider these lines the “nail biting” or “loud chewing” of Hamilton—Alexander, I love you so so much, and I love everything about you, but also when you wear those white socks with dress shoes it makes me cringe.
And so, after a year and a half of listening to Hamilton objectively way too much, and consulting Twitter, I have compiled the ultimate list of the most annoying lines in a modern American masterpiece.
1. You simply must meet Thomas, Thomas! (“What Did I Miss”)
I get that you could read this line as two thoughts (Burr saying, “You simply must meet Thomas,” and then calling, like, “Hey, Thomas!”) but either way when you hear it, it’s just the same word twice to fill in the right rhythm.
2. Then I remember my Eliza’s expecting me. Not only that, my Eliza’s expecting! (“Yorktown (The World Turned Upside Down)”)
3. BURR: They delighted and distracted him. Martha Washington named her feral tomcat after him.
HAMILTON: That’s true! (“A Winter’s Ball”)
What, did this suddenly become Schoolhouse Rock?
4. Forgiveness! (“It’s Quiet Uptown”)
The background angelic voices are a little on the nose.
5. You strike me as a woman who has never been satisfied. (“Satisfied”)
If a dude came up to me at a party and said this I would nope the fuck right out of there. This is a bad opening line.
6. You’re like me, I’m never satisfied. (“Satisfied”)
Okay, guy, thanks, I think I see my friend over there.
7. I will never be satisfied. (“Satisfied”)
Yeah, uh huh. Nice talking to you. Hope you…uh…work on that.
(Sidenote: Angelica, you think that’s what it’s like to match wits? That’s what it’s like to get hit on someone who watches too much anime.)
8. …Our odds are beyond scary. (“Right Hand Man”)
What does this even mean.
9. Peach fuzz and he can’t even grow it! (“Satisfied”)
What does this even mean.
10. BURR: The Mercer legacy is secure.
HAMILTON: Sure. (“The Room Where It Happens”)
Not everything needs to be a triple rhyme, Lin.
11. I trust you’ll understand the reference to another Scottish tragedy without my having to name the play / They think me Macbeth… (“Take a Break”)
YOU JUST SAID YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO NAME THE PLAY AND THEN YOU GO AND NAME THE PLAY AND OVER-EXPLAIN THE PLAY METAPHOR FOR THE NEXT LIKE, TEN LINES.
12. BURR: Yo, we gotta clear the field
HAMILTON: Go, we won. (“Meet Me Inside”)
Yes it rhymes with “this should be fun,” but why does Hamilton say this. Dude, he knows you won.
13. I’m a pain in the ass, a massive pain. (“Take A Break”)
This line gets funnier the longer you think about it.
14. There are so many to deflower! (“A Winter’s Ball”)