If you have been following me on Twitter, you know by now that I have an obsession a passing interest in Beauty and the Beast and/or nitpicking Beauty and the Beast. I can’t help it. I mock everything I love (I’m a terrible girlfriend).
In that spirit, consider this post the first of many in which I take a children’s movie about a woman and a water buffalo learning about love in an enchanted castle, and just analyzing the shit out of it.
INT. CASTLE BALLROOM — EVENING
The BEAST (a water buffalo-type, in a very well-fitted suit considering he’s a water buffalo) and BELLE (20-something) have just finished dancing in a giant room all by themselves while the teapot sings to them.
They retire to the balcony and gaze at the view.
Hey. Are you happy here?
Can anyone be happy if they’re not free? Also, I miss my father very
But I mean, all things considered, we’ve had an okay time, right?
We played in the snow together, you get to eat all of this delicious
food, and you get access to that massive library.
I do love the library. Thank you again.
You’re totally welcome. The castle on a whole is a cool place to live though,
Yes, it’s wonderful.
And from what it sounds like, the town you came from is like really shitty.
I mean, not objectively shitty, it actually sounds pretty nice, but shitty to you.
Yeah, that’s legit. I hated it there. Dumb bakers baking the same thing every day;
no one else who liked to read; like 14 books tops at the booksellers.
And you were like, a poor farm girl, right?
Yes, my dad is a very unsuccessful inventor.
So like, here, you get this super nice bed, and servants
—enchanted, magical servants—who cater to your ever whim and serve you
full gourmet meals every single day. It’s just, objectively a better place to live.
All things considered, for a place to be held prisoner it’s pretty good.
Way better than your town where everyone hated you and that
Gaston guy kept bothering you, right?
Well, yes, but I’m still technically here against my will, and so it’s sort of hard to
see this as like, my home.
Okay, but that’s what I’m saying. I really enjoy your company,
and I think you enjoy mine—how about you go get your dad and the
two of you move here, totally freely.
I don’t—I don’t understand.
Okay. So I’m setting you free, obviously. I can’t keep you
prisoner here any longer—being with you has reminded of my
humanity and all that. But, like, what are you going back to?
A tiny town that you fantasized about leaving. So just, come live
here, in this objectively nicer place, totally voluntarily. Bring your
dad, this house is massive.
[update for 2017 version]
Here—we even have a magical exposition book that can physically
transport you anywhere you need to go. So you don’t even need to ride
home on a horse which as we know can be very dangerous with all the wolves.
Just pop it open, go home to your dad, and bring him back here, which is a
thing that the movie establishes the enchanted book can do because we
brought home that rose rattle before. And then we can take tons of free
I—thank you. That actually all makes a lot of sense. I really did
miss my dad, but bringing him back here to live with us is a really
great solution. I will definitely come back to this objectively nicer home than
my little cottage. So don’t worry and turn into a morose gargoyle when I’m gone.
I will not do that! I am excited to get to know you more, and your
[NOTE: replace “eccentric” with “wistful and romantic” for 2017 version]
as fellow free residents of this castle.
Sounds great. I did really miss my dad and that was making it
harder to fall in love with you.
Would you like to see him?
The Beast pulls out the magic mirror.
Show me my father.
Oh no! He’s in trouble! I have to go to him!
Oh my god, yes, go help your dad! Just remember when you get him,
don’t make a weird big fuss about it. Honestly, don’t even talk about me maybe.
If there are villagers around, just be like “Hah, you know crazy old
Maurice, guys! Don’t worry, I’m here, I’ll take care of it.” Just… keep it low key
and then the next day, grab your stuff and head back to live in an objectively way
Also, I’m totally not mad or anything, but my name is Adam.
You never even asked. I mean, I gave you a library, we’ve talked,
like, a lot, and you didn’t even think to ask.
It’s fine, really. But you could have asked. Clearly, at some point
you told me your name, because I call you Belle, but for whatever reason
you were just totally cool calling me “The Beast” the whole time. Whatever,
it’s fine. Go get your dad, we can talk about it later.