Imagined Dialogue For’ is our series by the hilarious and talented Chris Scott, of Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen fame. Next up? Chris takes a stab at guessing what happens in Disney’s live-action reboot of the classic woman-on-monster romance, Beauty and the Beast.
MRS. POTTS: Only by learning to love and being loved in return can the curse be broken, returning what is now a horrible beast into a handsome prince.
BELLE: And this must happen before the last rose petal falls?
MRS. POTTS: Yes.
BELLE: Man, that’s wild.
MRS. POTTS: Almost as wild as the beast.
BELLE: Let me ask you something, before I bite off more than I can chew. How horrific is this beast exactly?
MRS. POTTS: More horrifying and terrifying than anything you can imagine.
BELLE: My imagination conjures up a most gruesome monstrosity. 20 feet tall. Half serpent and half falcon, with talons that can sever flesh like a hot knife through butter. And its gut-wrenching howls can be heard for hundreds of miles in the distance.
MRS. POTTS: Even worse than that.
BELLE: How can anything be worse than that?
MRS. POTTS: Picture, if it’s not too awful for you to do so, a 6 foot 5 inch, athletic man with slightly more hair than you’re accustomed to.
BELLE: That’s really — wait, what?
MRS. POTTS: And he has horns.
BELLE: The beast is just a big, hairy guy with horns?
MRS. POTTS: Just?! You’re so naive.
MRS. POTTS: … and if the beast isn’t loved in return by the time the last rose petal falls, he’ll be doomed.
BELLE: This beast you keep mentioning…
MRS. POTTS: Yes?
BELLE: I’m just trying to picture it.
MRS. POTTS: I don’t even know where to begin.
BELLE: I’m envisioning two dozen tentacles, each eight feet long and lined with suction cups spewing with mucus. His skull is fixed at a ghastly, unnatural angle with sharp, serrated fangs that glisten in the moonlight.
MRS. POTTS: Hmmm…
BELLE: And his eyes glow a deep blood red.
MRS. POTTS: Well, none of that per se, but he does have a temper.
MRS. POTTS: He gets frustrated and angry sometimes.
BELLE: How long are his tentacles?
MRS. POTTS: No tentacles, but he does have big, muscular arms and legs.
BELLE: That’s — how is this a beast, exactly?
MRS. POTTS: …and if it doesn’t happen before the last rose petal falls, he will lose his humanity forever.
BELLE: That’s awful. Almost as awful as what I bet the beast resembles. Here’s what I’m thinking — you tell me if it squares with reality.
MRS. POTTS: Will do.
BELLE: He’s a human being, just like every other human being I’ve ever encountered.
MRS. POTTS: Yes! Go on…
BELLE: Tall, handsome, chiseled…
MRS. POTTS: Yes! Yes!
BELLE: Except for one thing…
MRS. POTTS: Here it comes…
BELLE: His skin is completely transparent. So you’re able to see his muscles, blood, veins, and inner organs at all times.
MRS. POTTS: Oh, well actually–
BELLE: It transcends something worse than grotesque and macabre. His translucent outer cover betrays every motion and gastrointestinal movement. You can barely stand to look at him for more than a split second. Am I right?
MRS. POTTS: You’re, um — yeah, that’s more or less accurate.