I, Steve Harvey, Do Not Wish to Speak to You

Me, Steve Harvey. Bryan Steffy/Getty Images for Nu-Opp, Inc

Good morning, everyone. Welcome back.

I am sure by now you have read my previous, 100% real memo in which I reiterated the ground rules for all employees on one or more of my celebrated television shows, The Steve Harvey Morning Show, the Steve Harvey Show, Family Feud, and Little Big Shots. For your edification, I have copied that text once more below. Print it out, memorize it, burn the paper, and then eat the ashes.

Good morning, everyone. Welcome back.
I’d like you all to review and adhere to the following notes and rules for Season 5 of my talk show.
There will be no meetings in my dressing room. No stopping by or popping in. NO ONE.
Do not come to my dressing room unless invited.
Do not open my dressing room door. IF YOU OPEN MY DOOR, EXPECT TO BE REMOVED.
My security team will stop everyone from standing at my door who have the intent to see or speak to me.
I want all the ambushing to stop now. That includes TV staff.
You must schedule an appointment.
I have been taken advantage of by my lenient policy in the past. This ends now. NO MORE.
Do not approach me while I’m in the makeup chair unless I ask to speak with you directly. Either knock or use the doorbell.
I am seeking more free time for me throughout the day.
Do not wait in any hallway to speak to me. I hate being ambushed. Please make an appointment.
I promise you I will not entertain you in the hallway, and do not attempt to walk with me.
If you’re reading this, yes, I mean you.
Everyone, do not take offense to the new way of doing business. It is for the good of my personal life and enjoyment.

Thank you all,
Steve Harvey

I DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR ANYTHING IN THE ABOVE MEMO. In fact, I have a few more rules that I insist everyone involved in any one of my Steve Harvey productions must review and adhere to for the indefinite future: Do not look me in the eyes. If you have been granted the privilege of speaking to me, your eyes must remain fixed on my mustache at all times. Do NOT under any circumstance ring the doorbell on my dressing room more than once. If it rings twice, I have trained my guard dogs to attack and I will NOT restrain them.

I have been lenient with my time in the past but no longer. You do not deserve to spend time with me, Steve Harvey and yes, I mean you. This is for my own enjoyment and by “this” I mean the tiny plexiglass room you will be confined in if you ever dare to look at me. Your clothing will be removed, and I will laugh at you. Do not take offense to the new way of doing business.

If you ambush me, I will kick you in the shins.

In order to schedule an appointment, write your full name, your request, and your preferred date on a piece of paper, fold the paper into an origami crane and place it on my desk when I am not in the room. I will never unfold the crane.

Remember when I met Donald Trump at Trump Towers? Me neither, that never happened.

I do not condone “walk and talks.” This is not an Aaron Sorkin movie. No more “popping in” or “stopping by” or “walking by” or “standing near” or “speaking to.”

If you speak to me, I will stare at you until your soul leaves your body.

Thank you all,

Steve Harvey

I, Steve Harvey, Do Not Wish to Speak to You