Imagined Dialogue For: ‘Smurfs: The Lost Village’

Imagined Dialogue For is our series by the hilarious and talented Chris Scott—of Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen fame. Next up? Chris takes a stab at guessing what happens in the latest smurfing smurfquel, Smurfs: The Lost Village

Smurfs: The Lost Village. Sony Pictures

EXT. DAY

SMURF 1: And Michael’s your boss?

SMURF 2: No, that’s the thing. Michael is Travis’ boss but I don’t report to Michael. Travis reports to Michael. So Michael shouldn’t even be giving me direction in the first place; that should go through Travis.

SMURF 1: Ah, got it.

SMURF 2: And, like, I get it, because they’re both still getting used to the new structure, so there’s, like, a grace period or whatever. But it’s super frustrating.

SMURF 1: And so the newsletter–

SMURF 2: That’s the other thing. I have to send this office-wide newsletter by close of business every Thursday, which shouldn’t be a huge deal but it’s way too much work, for what it is. And dude, like, nobody even reads it I’m pretty sure. But the bigger issue is it’s not in my job description. So I told Travis that at our weekly check-in, and I told him, like, I’m fine doing the newsletter but we should just make sure it’s in my job description. Like as a formality for evaluations and whatever. I mean I didn’t tell him I don’t want to do the newsletter anymore — which I don’t — but I thought this would force his hand or something? But he said he’d talk to Michael about it and I don’t think he ever did. Because that was like a month ago.

SMURF 1: Should you just talk directly to Michael?

SMURF 2: I mean I thought about it but I feel like it sort of encourages him to keep giving me directives, right?

SMURF 1: Oh, right.

SMURF 2: Like I can’t really reinforce the idea that I should be reporting directly to Travis, and then he should go to Michael, if I’m just going straight to Michael. You know? Like it’ll just encourage this to keep happening.

SMURF 1: Yeah, no, that makes sense.

SMURF 2: It sucks because when Julia was still there — this was my boss before Michael. Sorry, I mean Travis. She was the kind of boss where I could just be, like, hey let’s just have an intern do the newsletter or whatever.

SMURF 1: Haha yeah.

SMURF 2: Because she knew I got my shit done and I was a good worker, or whatever. But I’m still proving myself to Travis. And I’m afraid he’ll just be like “Oh, he’s just trying to get out of doing work.”

SMURF 1: Yeah, totally.

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EXT. DAY

SMURF 1: I mean — no go ahead.

SMURF 2: No, no, go ahead.

SMURF 1: Like I know I can be a lot to handle, right? Other smurfs have told me that. Like I have to actually keep myself in check so I don’t come on too strong.

SMURF 2: I mean, there are worse things.

SMURF 1: No, I know. And it’s not like, by the third date I’m talking about getting married and having kids or anything like that.

SMURF 2: For sure.

SMURF 1: I’m just, like, I don’t really feel like playing games anymore. Like I’ve done all of that. It’s a waste of time.

SMURF 2: Total waste of time.

SMURF 1: And it’s just like, at this point, there’s plenty of smurfs out there who won’t waste my time. Like if you’re just looking for a casual, fun thing, that’s totally fine. Totally fine.

SMURF 2: Yeah. Just be honest about it.

SMURF 1: Just be honest with me. Like I want the wrap-around porch and the picket fence and all that. Sue me.

SMURF 2: Yep.

SMURF 1: Like I know it’s dramatic, but I don’t want to die alone. Okay? But you can’t put that in an OK Cupid bio. “Interests include: Not dying alone.” Thanks.

SMURF 2: You won’t. Seriously.

SMURF 1: I’m ready to order if you are. The quiche here is awesome, by the way.

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EXT. DAY

SMURF 1: You sure you don’t want to split it.

SMURF 2: Nah, you can just get next time.

SMURF 1: Well, thank you.

SMURF 2: I had the weirdest dream the other night.

SMURF 1: Yeah?

SMURF 2: Yeah, but I don’t want to bore you.

SMURF 1: No go for it, I love this stuff.

SMURF 2: So, like, I died.

SMURF 1: Wow.

SMURF 2: A tree fell on me. Really gruesome. But I was only half dead, right? Like I was between places. Literally hovering half a mile off the ground. But my consciousness was a spectrum extending from the ground way up, all the way into the stratosphere. Like an accordion. And I could access any point of it on my own accord. Like I could be at this restaurant talking to you one second and also just floating above the clouds simultaneously. And I wasn’t a smurf anymore.

SMURF 1: No?

SMURF 2: Like almost just a flash of energy or something. Ageless and immovable. And the weird part is whenever I looked up — whether I was on the ground, or high up in the sky — there was a green, backlit ocean just inches above me. Bright green. Like algae or something.

SMURF 1: Weird.

SMURF 2: And I just had this feeling — like you know sometimes in dreams you just know something without being told? — I just had this overwhelming feeling this ocean was about to break loose and submerge everything. Every smurf. And we would all be one.

SMURF 1: One smurf?

SMURF 2: Not a smurf, no. Something else. Something ancient and indescribable. But it’d been here long before us, and it’s where we’re returning.

SMURF 1: That’s wild.

SMURF 2: Right? Anyway, thank you for lunch.