Paul McCartney Is in ‘Pirates of the Caribbean,’ I Guess

This week, Disney released this sizzling teaser image to drum up excitement for the fifth movie in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise,  the most successful film series ever to be based on a ride (the Pirates of the Caribbean ride tagline? “See jerky animatronics and dip your fingers in lukewarm germ water!”).

Why. Disney

That is Paul McCartney.

Yes, Paul McCartney is in this film.

There is no reason Paul McCartney should be in this movie. On his end, he is a very rich man. The Beatles is one of the rare bands that have managed to maintain both stratospheric popularity and critical acclaim. He has been knighted by the Queen. Sir Paul McCartney is portraying  a CGI cursed pirate.

On the Disney side of it, why would you hire Paul McCartney? Who is this for? It’s not like the target audience of Pirates of the Caribbean (14 year old boys) are going to see this poster and think, “Oh hell yes, that guy my dad listens to in the car sometimes. Now I gotta see this movie.” You would have done better with a Zayn pirate.

It makes no sense that Paul McCartney is in this movie. Yes, Keith Richards was in one or two of them but that was something of an in-joke—Johnny Depp based the Jack Sparrow character in part on Keith Richards. Keith Richards normally wears bandanas and earrings. He already looks like a pirate. Paul McCartney looks like a nice high school principal who would offer you a cup of tea.

Paul McCartney has zero associations with the word “pirate.” If someone told me Paul McCartney dressed up as a pirate for Halloween, I would think, “huh, I don’t really see that vibing.” Look at that picture again. That is a very good Halloween costume that still feels like as soon as he opens his mouth, the illusion will be broken. If they really wanted to cast Paul McCartney, he could have been like, a nice village baker or something.

The only situation I ever associate Paul McCartney with “pirate” is the sentence, “Hey, I pirated that Paul McCartney Christmas song for the party because I didn’t really want to pay for it.”

I would have bought Ringo as a pirate before Paul McCartney. Honestly, that would have been pretty cool and I would have been on board with Ringo.