Ranking ‘The Bachelorette’ Contestants by Douchiness

It’s everyone’s favorite time of the year: when we get to judge strangers who want to become famous via reality TV! Let’s jump right in.

Adam, 27

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Adam ABC

Occupation: Real Estate Agent

Pros: He cooks, and has a good relationship with his mom.

Cons: The most romantic birthday gift he ever got was a “threesome” and his favorite movies include Transformers and The Wolf of Wall Street.

Douche rating: 3.5/5 sprays of Axe

Alex, 28

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Alex

Occupation: Information Systems Supervisor

Pros: Can’t think of a third band he likes after Coldplay and The Beatles. A douche would have thrown in a third, super douchey band; favorite artist is “The Rock (Dwayne Johnson)”

Cons: Also that his favorite artist is “The Rock (Dwayne Johnson)”

Douche rating: 3/5 sprays of Axe

Anthony, 26

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Anthony

Occupation: Education Software Manager

Pros: Fulbright Scholar, taught English in Indonesia, likes The Iron Giant, reads Murakami.

Cons: Bragging about teaching English abroad.

Douche Rating: 1/5 sprays of Axe

Blake E., 31

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Blake E.

Occupation: Aspiring Drummer

Pros: I guess that he went to horseback riding camp?

Cons: calls his former fiancee “crazy,” says he wants to see “The new 50 Shades of Grey movie because I love taboo sexy stuff,” doesn’t have a job.

Douche Rating: 4.5/5 sprays of Axe

Blake K., 29

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Blake K.

Occupation: U.S. Marine Veteran

Pros: Also obsessed with the Rock, loves his parents.

Cons: “Chipotle is my life.”

Douche Rating: 1/5 sprays of Axe

Brady, 29 

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Brady

Occupation: Male Model

Pros: Doesn’t like Mike from the Jersey Shore. 

Cons: Male model; ideal time period is the 80’s (key douche era); most romantic present he has ever received is Lululemon sweatpants???

Douche Rating: 4/5 sprays of Axe

Bryan, 37

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Occupation: Chiropractor

Pros: Has a job

Cons: Favorite television show is Sports Center. 

Douche Rating:  2/5 sprays of Axe

Bryce, 30

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Bryce

Occupation: Firefighter

Pros: Most romantic present he’s ever received is a handwritten letter, which is sweet.

Cons: Favorite actor is Matthew McConaughey. Biggest date fear is “The chick is actually a dude.”

Douche Rating: 5/5 sprays of Axe. Transphobia isn’t charming.

Dean, 26

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Dean

Occupation: Startup recruiter

Pros: Wants to get lunch with his mom who passed away

Cons: Has an inner lip tattoo (“righteous,” ew)

Douche Rating: 3/5 sprays of Axe

DeMario, 30

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DeMario ABC

Occupation: Executive Recruiter

Pros: likes no technology dates

Cons: “I won’t lie, I love attention… not like ’07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits.”

Douche Rating: 1.5 sprays of Axe

Diggy, 31

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Diggy ABC

Occupation: Senior Inventory Analyst

Pros: Likes the movie Devil Wears Prada 

Cons: “Tell us a fun story about a one night stand. I spent all day with this girl and she ended up coming home with me and we had sex. She then received a text saying her brother was missing, so I played asleep so I didn’t have to help!’

Douche Rating: 4/5 sprays of Axe—WTF is with that insane one night stand story!??!

Eric, 39

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Eric ABC

Occupation: Personal Trainer

Pros: Seems… nice I guess. Just kind of boring.

Cons: Favorite drink is green juice, likes Tony Robbins and motivational books

Douche Rating: 2.5/5 sprays of Axe

Fred, 27

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Fred

Occupation: Executive Assistant

Pros: Favorite artist is Jean-Michel Basquiat, went to two different grad schools apparently

Cons: “There are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed.”

Douche Rating: 3/5 sprays of Axe

Grant, 29

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Grant ABC

Occupation: Emergency Medicine Physician

Pros: Has a good job

Cons: Social chair of his fraternity in college; “‘Ice Ice Baby’ is also one of my favorite songs because I used to sing it at Bar Mitzvahs on stage;” favorite magazine is Playboy

Douche Rating: 4/5 sprays of Axe

Iggy, 30

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Iggy ABC

Occupation: Consulting Firm CEO

Pros: Was able to name a favorite artist (Dali)

Cons: “What are your 3 worst attributes? Passionate, loyal, witty” WTF what a lazy weirdo to pretend those are bad attributes.

Douche Rating: 3.5 sprays of Axe

Jack Stone, 32

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Jack Stone ABC

Occupation: Attorney

Pros: Likes the book Catch-22

Cons: Favorite author is John Grisham; his name is Jack Stone; that look on his face

Douche Rating: 4/5 spray of Axe

Jamey, 32

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Jamey ABC

Occupation: Sales Account Executive

Pros: … 

Cons: Person he admires the most is Elon Musk; listens to EDM; “What does your ideal mate look like? A model;” “Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title: I do not have female friends.”

Douche Rating: 5/5 sprays of Axe

Jedidiah, 35

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Jedidiah ABC

Occupation: ER Physician

Pros: Built a log cabin for his parents

Cons: “All former dogs were over ½ wolf;” wolf tattoo on shoulder; weird mutton chops

Douche Rating: 2/5 sprays of Axe

Jonathan, 31

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Jonathan ABC

Occupation: Tickle Monster

Pros: Gives pretty generic answers…

Cons: EXCEPT HIS JOB!???? WHAT THE FUCK IS A TICKLE MONSTER

Douche Rating: 4.5/5 sprays of Axe just because wtf is a tickle monster

Josiah, 28

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Josiah ABC

Occupation: Prosecuting Attorney

Pros: Has an actual job

Cons: “I’m a natural born leader and people draw towards me.”

Douche Rating: 3/5 sprays of Axe

Kenny, 35

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Kenny ABC

Occupation:  Professional Wrestler

Pros: ALSO likes The Rock a lot!!!

Cons: Japanese word for “fearless” tattoo

Douche Rating: 2/5 sprays of Axe

Kyle, 26

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Kyle ABC

Occupation: Marketing Consultant

Pros: likes camping and Donald Glover

Cons: “I select gluten-free menu options when I can;” prefers “hot spot” clubs; has a douchey job; “What does your ideal mate look like? 7+. Looks matter for the ideal candidate.”

Douche Rating: 4/5 sprays of Axe

Lee, 30

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Lee ABC

Occupation: Singer/Songwriter

Pros: Loves his grandma,

Cons: Favorite movies are Gone With The Wind and Scarface; favorite actor is Matthew McConaughey.

Douche Rating: 3/5 sprays of Axe

Lucas, 30

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Lucas ABC

Occupation: Whaboom (????)

Pros: likes dancing

Cons: WTF IS A WHABOOM? “If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Dead: Bruce Jenner, Alive: Caitlyn Jenner …. Would be a very interesting convo.” WTF is wrong with him? Does he think Caitlyn Jenner murdered Bruce Jenner?

Douche Rating: 5/5 sprays of Axe

Matt, 32

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Matt ABC

Occupation: Consulting Sales Rep

Pros: Kind of looks like my friend Matt Ringler

Cons: Favorite groups/artists are “Justin Timberlake, Train, John Mayer. All three have gone their own route and still stood the test of time.”

Douche Rating: 3/5 sprays of Axe

Michael, 26

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Michael

Occupation: Former Professional Basketball Player

Pros: Athlete, seems nice

Cons: Paleo diet, currently unemployed I assume

Douche Rating: 2/5 sprays of Axe

Milton, 31

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Milton ABC

Occupation: Hotel Recreation Supervisor

Pros: At least he’s honest about only wanting to go on TV to be discovered.

Cons: bottom lip tattoo, only going on TV to be discovered, thinks being romantic “can show you’re weak.”

Douche Rating: 4.5/5 sprays of Axe

Mohit, 26

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Mohit ABC

Occupation: Product Manager

Pros: Seems nice and likes Seinfeld

Cons: Likes to go to the club to dance

Douche Rating: 1/5 sprays of Axe

Peter, 31

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Peter ABC

Occupation: Business Owner

Pros: Has done three Ironmans, which is impressive.

Cons: Former male model. Knew people from the “bar scene.”

Douche Rating: 3.5/5 sprays of Axe

Rob, 30

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Rob ABC

Occupation: Law Student

Pros: Traveled a lot,

Cons: Into Buddhism. Likes “acoustic guitar sets.”

Douche Rating: 3/5 sprays of Axe

Will, 28

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Will ABC

Occupation: Sales Manager

Pros: Very generic answers, which is fine, I guess

Cons: Has a bunch of douchey tattoos

Douche Rating: 2/5 sprays of Axe